When Does The Baby Killing And Death Panels Start?

Now that the healthcare bill is passed, when does all of the wild crap start? I suspect that the death panels will probably be part of some sort of pay-per-view deal and I bet it is more entertaining than Wrestlemania.

Old Dude: So, you see your honor, I need a new liver to survive.

Judge: Denied! Bailiff, spin the “wheel of death”!

(Bailiff spins the wheel. It lands on “Enter the Life-sized Microwave”)

See how much fun that would be? I would easily pay 6 or 7 bucks to see that. Although, to be honest, watching old people get whacked will probably get old after a while. Maybe the death panels could also include illegal Mexicans. That would add a potential “jiggle factor” to the show. (Although I would miss Paco quite a bit).

My guess is that the baby killing is already spiraling out of control. Once a woman who is looking to get an abortion finds out it is federally funded, how could she say no?

Pregnant woman: Um…hello, I would like to get an abortion but I have a question.

Baby killer person: Ok. What do you want to know?

Pregnant woman: Will any of this abortion be federally funded?

Baby killer: Yes.

Pregnant woman: Oh, hell yeah!!! That’s what I’m talking about!!! My mama said it was gonna be state funded but I told her she was full of shit. Where do I sign?

For me, the best part of the healthcare plan is the fact that 1/3 of doctors said they would quit the profession if it passed. That vacuum is going to lead to a severe shortage of doctors and my guess is that the bar to becoming a doctor will be substantially lowered. With my GED and recent surgical experience (self amputation), I will be a doctor in no time.

I have not decided on a specialty yet but I am leaning towards something that requires cutting…lots and lots of cutting. Maybe some sewing but, really, the cutting is the most important part. And maybe involving power tools of some sort. And possibly a golf cart, silly putty, and a large toaster. I don’t want to limit myself.

I want to thank the Democrats for putting together this bloated piece of legislation and the Republicans for double daring them to pass it. It is this kind of bipartisan spirit that makes this country so great. Just when I think the limit of absurdity has been reached, they surprise me yet again.

If you would like to be a patient of mine, please schedule early. I have a lot of cutting to do and I can only stand on my one good leg for so long. I look forward to serving you…so to speak.


20 Responses to When Does The Baby Killing And Death Panels Start?

  1. chrislipjournal says:

    I once bandaged my cousin’s nose after I punched him in the face. Do you think I could be a doctor, too?

    Oh, and please save me a place in line for that Death Panel pay-per-view. I’m sure there’d be a lot of interesting material for our blog. 😉

    Rob Hanson of the Chrislip Journal

  2. Manson48 says:

    I haven’t actually read the bill, but then again, no one else has either, so it’s only fitting that I comment on it. So are you telling me that doctors only practice medicine so they can overbill healthcare insurance companies? And here I thought they practiced medicine strictly for the God complex.

    Not that we really care if they quit. Those book-smart medical students from India look so good in those white lab coats. And once they get down the knack of cutting through forty eight pounds of lard, they’ll make fine American surgeons too.

    Perhaps federally funded abortion is something we, as a “Christian” nation, should reconsider. Clearly our federally funded military is far more sanctified to determine when a human life should be terminated. But, who knows, federally funded abortion may even lead to federally funded stem cell research, so let’s hold the falsified reports of WMD’s for the time being.

    All and all, I’m happy though. After all: the insurance companies, doctors, and evangelican conservatives are all bent beyond, what most considered, bent could ever be bent. So for that reason alone, it’s a good day for me. JM

    • tannerleah says:

      You do realize that the positions you are taking will result in you being “Left Behind” when the end days come, don’t you? (Just don’t want you to be caught off-guard).

      • Manson48 says:

        If “Left Behind” means I won’t be going to Hell with all those Christians, then my plan is working. It’s a damned difficult task tricking the almighty Yehova, but I think I found a glitch in his omnipotance factor.

        I bet Yehova that he could never create a rock so heavy that even a super strong and very imaginary God like himself couldn’t pick it up. Well, being omni-capable, and an avid gambler, he created the heaviest rock the universe had ever seen.

        Afterwards though, Yehova became concerned that, since he couldn’t pick up the heavy rock, those snobbish Christians might start calling him a big sissy. To alleviate his concerns, he wrote the eleventh commandment, which forbid calling the lord a big sissy. The commandment also included the very controversial “Heavenly Healthcare Bill”.

        Well the Christians, who believed the healthcare bill catered unfairly to the sick, and argued that “copays” should be considered charity, and therefore tax deductible for Christians, immediately began a vicious campaign against the healthcare bill.

        Before long, tempers were running hot as hell, and the campaign’s language seemed to be getting harsher everyday. Gale E. Schmidtz, a young priest from Vermont, recently ordained in Jersey, and funded with very “old” money from Virginia, was determined to make a mark for himself. Working from his late uncle Gerald’s cottage in Boston, he coined what became a very popular slogan.

        Before anyone realized there was a potential problem, the slogan could be found on millions of bumper stickers, T-shirts, and even cellphone banners. In short time, billions of Christians, all across the globe, were faithfully texting the popular slogan to the walls of all their Facebook friends.

        The slogan: “Only a Big Sissy Would Want Heavenly Healthcare”, was also printed across the top of the “Tickets to Hell” God personally delivered to each and every Christian. JM

  3. nonnie9999 says:

    be careful, tl. i heard the death panels will be going after one-legged people first. they figure they can’t run very fast and will be easier to catch than undocumented immigrants. you might want to ask paco to help you find a nice place down in mexico.

  4. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I suggest you head down to Costco and pick up a bulk package of scissors because your family will be doing a whole lot of cutting soon: Sunday paper coupons and family budget cuts to pay for this new legislation. We are inching incrementally toward a new nation: the good ole FSA (Fractured States of America). My head was spinning yesterday: mandated health ‘care’ (subsidies) legislation, then Rod Blagojevich is mistaken for Donny Osmond on the Celebrity Apprentice. TL, I need a lobotomy!! Make it stop!!

  5. Laura says:

    you forgot Super Glue.. it’s great for cutting and could eliminate the need for sewing. My son has used it for a rugby related injury!

  6. Bearman says:

    Tampons for nose bleeds.

  7. I have to tell you that I’m looking forward to this new age of clusterfuckery and general disregard for the American public and the associated checks and balances put in place by our forefathers.

    I mean, they’ve always rewritten the rules as needed, but now it’s a free-for-all and I just can’t see how we don’t all stand to gain from it.

    I will be waiting for my bill from the government for the healthcare I chose not to buy and will have the opportunity to be audited at the same time, which will save me a trip.

    I’m off to inquire about living conditions in other, less ridiculous countries.

    • tannerleah says:

      And to think this all could have been avoided if we just would have asked for Barry’s birth certificate first. McCains mummified corpse wouldn’t have caused nearly as many headaches.

  8. “Dr. Tannerleah, you’re wanted in OR 3, stat.” See, doesn’t that sound awesome. Your could give Elizabeth a complimentary lobotomy.

  9. Nicely done. Back in fine form!

  10. bschooled says:

    Even though I remain blissfully ignorant to this health care bill thingy you people have going on over there, I would still like to sign up as your patient.

    Seeing as my sister, a practicing Registered Nurse, told me that a “Colposcopy” (look it up) was a procedure where they stick a camera up your anus and look around for problems, I think my life would be safer in your hands.

    If not, oh well. At least I can pig out on your guys’s (sp?) kickass junk food before I kick the bucket.

  11. RubyTwoShoes says:

    Being Australian, I can’t help but feel that this is Our bill too. Although I’m afraid i let the Good Diplomatic Friend That Goes to War With You ball slip on this one, and have been unclear on the details, until now. Thanks for clearing things up

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