My Healthcare Plan

Once again, due the complete and utter uselessness of the federal government, I have to step in and fix America’s problems. Today, I will solve the healthcare crisis.

First, let’s look at the Democrat’s plan. The fact that it is over 2000 pages long means that maybe 6 people in the world will ever read the whole thing. Let’s just assume that it is loaded with giveaways and acquiesces to all kinds of lobbyists. After all, what legislation isn’t? I realize that once you cross the trillion dollar mark in debt, it really doesn’t matter how far you go. Kind of like any woman that has slept with more than say, 5 guys, is forever a slut. She might as well take on 200. Agreed?  

And before you Republican’s get all high and mighty, where the hell is your legislation? Even though you are a minority, don’t you get to submit bills? I am pretty sure I learned on School House Rock that anyone can submit a bill. Where is yours and how come I haven’t seen any vote on it? Unless you have submitted something better, take a big swig of shut the hell up.

Now, onto my plan. My plan calls for the refusal of all medical treatment to any person over the age of 50. I am not saying you can’t saw your own leg off, like I did, you just can’t go to a medical professional to get it done. It’s the same as not being eligible for American Idol once you reach a certain age. I don’t see anyone complaining about that rule.

It seems to me that old people hog up most of the medical costs in the US so eliminating them from the equation would save a lot of money. Plus, many would die faster and, really, who has a problem with that? Traffic would be smoother, Denny’s would start catering to the rest of us, and we would not have to endure one more AARP commercial.

Keep in mind that I am almost 50 so I am on the threshold of senility, like the rest of my 50+ peers. I am willing to walk the walk. Sure, sales of wheelchairs, denture cream, Depends, etc. would take a big hit but the lost revenue would be a pittance compared to the money saved in healthcare costs.  

Unlike my previous position, I am no longer calling for the execution of old folks ala Logan’s Run. However, I am insisting that when you see them flopping on the sidewalk having a heart attack, you just walk away. Like the Democrats, I am willing to sweeten the pot a little. All elderly men will have a coupon to have sex with a cheerleader from USC once a week. While this might seem like a logistical nightmare, I am pretty confident that most of the old codgers will die within 3 minutes of getting their freak on. After two weeks, the workload will be completely manageable.

And before you call me sexist, again, elderly women would also be incented with any outdated cucumbers that the local grocery was preparing to throw away. They don’t even have to return them. Pretty awesome plan, eh? Once again, glad I could help.


23 Responses to My Healthcare Plan

  1. nonnie9999 says:

    yeah, fine. until the great cucumber famine begins!

  2. Laura says:

    Oh my, almost 50!
    It’s the end of the world, as we know it….and those are all the lyrics I can summons up!!

  3. i’m still pissed about the abandonment thing…but i like your plan…

  4. elizabeth3hersh says:

    By 2018, health care costs will quadruple to 344 billion/yr. One out of every five health care dollars will be spent on obesity. In 2018, the average obese patient will spend $8,315 compared to $5,855 for a normal weight person. Why do we need so much health care? Did nature evolve us to be so dependent on health care? I’ll tell you why: because we do shit to ourselves and the exorbitant amount we spent on futile end-of-life ‘treatment’, laziness, overindulgence and entitlements (I will cop to the last two). How about the gov just taxing the hell out of the goodies we ingest that drives up much of our health care expenses? If it isn’t a whole grain, fruit, vegetable, legume or nut–TAXED. Cigarettes–TAXED (double our current taxes). Drugs–TAXED (do you honestly think that would have deterred me?). Booze–(you wouldn’t pay a buck more for beer? I would have paid cavier prices). How about a reckless behaviour tax (taxpayers are going to subsidize them one way or another)? George Will got it right in a recent column in which he writes about our dependency agenda and demographics problem. Will quotes Nobel prize winning economist John Fogel:

    “The financial per capita [health care] burden at age 85 and older is nearly six times as high as the burden at ages 50-54” and “the financial burden of health care for ages 85 and older is over 75 percent higher per capita than at ages 75-79.”

    Basically, he said what you said TL (although his cutoff age was nowhere near 50). It’s like the real cost of produce picked by immigrant labor. That dollar apple is nowhere near a dollar. After you factor in health care/education/social service subsidies, it is far more than a dollar. We just fool ourselves into thinking it’s a dollar. I’m done pontificating. I like your plan, but isn’t 50 the new 30?

  5. jill says:

    TL…I like your idea very much, but I think I can save the government even more money with another plan, similar to yours. At first it will most likely be more expensive than yours, but if you look at the long range expenditures it would have yours beat hands down. Plan B (as I will refer to it) would be the opposite of your plan (Plan A). It would cover only those over 50. With this ingenious plan, once the over 50’s die off, the younger ones, if they ever make it to 50, will be the hardiest of the lot (ie. good gene pool) and probably not require much medical attention.

  6. jill says:

    BTW…now that it looks like you might be back in action here in blogland, you might like to check out this blog. I think you and Sarah would hit it off. Here’s her latest:

  7. I likes the way you think, TL. Let’s trim those healthcare costs from the top down. Like a disease elm.

    Or better yet, why not just get this whole ridiculous scenario tossed out by forcing those dicks (and dickettes) in the House and Senate to be stuck with the same shitty healthcare plan that We the People are getting shafted with.

    As long as they’re going to break it off in our children and our children’s children, they may as well have to sit their privileged asses down for hours on end in some dimly lit clinic picking up communicable diseases by the handful and enjoying the pitter-patter of unsupervised feet running and coughing circles around them.

    • tannerleah says:

      That’s a great plan. I am sure they would pass that legislation. C’mon CLT, they won’t even use the same hookers we use. $3000 an hour? I wouldn’t even pay Charo that much.

  8. bilroni says:

    Well, if nothing else, at least we would have a surplus of pickles.

    That should save money somehow…. right?

  9. chelsy pillsbury says:

    You never fail to get a laugh out of me.
    Thank you for your honest, hilarious, and entertaining thoughts. Rock on.

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