Once again, due the complete and utter uselessness of the federal government, I have to step in and fix America’s problems. Today, I will solve the healthcare crisis.
First, let’s look at the Democrat’s plan. The fact that it is over 2000 pages long means that maybe 6 people in the world will ever read the whole thing. Let’s just assume that it is loaded with giveaways and acquiesces to all kinds of lobbyists. After all, what legislation isn’t? I realize that once you cross the trillion dollar mark in debt, it really doesn’t matter how far you go. Kind of like any woman that has slept with more than say, 5 guys, is forever a slut. She might as well take on 200. Agreed?
And before you Republican’s get all high and mighty, where the hell is your legislation? Even though you are a minority, don’t you get to submit bills? I am pretty sure I learned on School House Rock that anyone can submit a bill. Where is yours and how come I haven’t seen any vote on it? Unless you have submitted something better, take a big swig of shut the hell up.
Now, onto my plan. My plan calls for the refusal of all medical treatment to any person over the age of 50. I am not saying you can’t saw your own leg off, like I did, you just can’t go to a medical professional to get it done. It’s the same as not being eligible for American Idol once you reach a certain age. I don’t see anyone complaining about that rule.
It seems to me that old people hog up most of the medical costs in the US so eliminating them from the equation would save a lot of money. Plus, many would die faster and, really, who has a problem with that? Traffic would be smoother, Denny’s would start catering to the rest of us, and we would not have to endure one more AARP commercial.
Keep in mind that I am almost 50 so I am on the threshold of senility, like the rest of my 50+ peers. I am willing to walk the walk. Sure, sales of wheelchairs, denture cream, Depends, etc. would take a big hit but the lost revenue would be a pittance compared to the money saved in healthcare costs.
Unlike my previous position, I am no longer calling for the execution of old folks ala Logan’s Run. However, I am insisting that when you see them flopping on the sidewalk having a heart attack, you just walk away. Like the Democrats, I am willing to sweeten the pot a little. All elderly men will have a coupon to have sex with a cheerleader from USC once a week. While this might seem like a logistical nightmare, I am pretty confident that most of the old codgers will die within 3 minutes of getting their freak on. After two weeks, the workload will be completely manageable.
And before you call me sexist, again, elderly women would also be incented with any outdated cucumbers that the local grocery was preparing to throw away. They don’t even have to return them. Pretty awesome plan, eh? Once again, glad I could help.