When Does The Baby Killing And Death Panels Start?

March 23, 2010

Now that the healthcare bill is passed, when does all of the wild crap start? I suspect that the death panels will probably be part of some sort of pay-per-view deal and I bet it is more entertaining than Wrestlemania.

Old Dude: So, you see your honor, I need a new liver to survive.

Judge: Denied! Bailiff, spin the “wheel of death”!

(Bailiff spins the wheel. It lands on “Enter the Life-sized Microwave”)

See how much fun that would be? I would easily pay 6 or 7 bucks to see that. Although, to be honest, watching old people get whacked will probably get old after a while. Maybe the death panels could also include illegal Mexicans. That would add a potential “jiggle factor” to the show. (Although I would miss Paco quite a bit).

My guess is that the baby killing is already spiraling out of control. Once a woman who is looking to get an abortion finds out it is federally funded, how could she say no?

Pregnant woman: Um…hello, I would like to get an abortion but I have a question.

Baby killer person: Ok. What do you want to know?

Pregnant woman: Will any of this abortion be federally funded?

Baby killer: Yes.

Pregnant woman: Oh, hell yeah!!! That’s what I’m talking about!!! My mama said it was gonna be state funded but I told her she was full of shit. Where do I sign?

For me, the best part of the healthcare plan is the fact that 1/3 of doctors said they would quit the profession if it passed. That vacuum is going to lead to a severe shortage of doctors and my guess is that the bar to becoming a doctor will be substantially lowered. With my GED and recent surgical experience (self amputation), I will be a doctor in no time.

I have not decided on a specialty yet but I am leaning towards something that requires cutting…lots and lots of cutting. Maybe some sewing but, really, the cutting is the most important part. And maybe involving power tools of some sort. And possibly a golf cart, silly putty, and a large toaster. I don’t want to limit myself.

I want to thank the Democrats for putting together this bloated piece of legislation and the Republicans for double daring them to pass it. It is this kind of bipartisan spirit that makes this country so great. Just when I think the limit of absurdity has been reached, they surprise me yet again.

If you would like to be a patient of mine, please schedule early. I have a lot of cutting to do and I can only stand on my one good leg for so long. I look forward to serving you…so to speak.

30 Months In Jail For Being A Peeping Tom?

March 16, 2010

That was the sentence handed down for the guy that peeped on Erin Andrews. She is the international superstar sideline reporter for ESPN. No, I have never heard of her before this but, apparently, videotaping her nude is a huge no-no. The guy also taped 16 others women but I guess they aren’t superstars.

Seems to me that this is a pretty stiff sentence. I don’t think attempted murderers even get that much time. If I were going to go to jail, I think I would stalk someone more attractive. It should be worth being ganged raped for. Maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt or Ed Asner. Certainly not Erin Andrews.

When I was a young man, I peeped on the old lady next door. (She was maybe 50?) I would stand at the trailer back door which lined up with her trailer back door. She would open the window to vent the bathroom providing me with a perfect line of view. She was in pretty good shape for an old woman but certainly not good enough to get arrested for. In fact, she should have been arrested for making me look at her deflated fun bags. The horror…

I suspect Erin has her job because she is pleasant to look at. So, the very thing she so desperately wants to protect, her body, is why any of us ever heard of her in the first place. The only ugly chick on TV (Rosie doesn’t count) these days is Candy Crowley from CNN. My god, how can such an unpleasant looking woman be named “Candy”. My guess is due to the buckets of candy she probably ate as a kid.

Another celebrity that doesn’t like to be “undressed” by men is Jessica Simpson. The fact that she has implants the size of a Ford truck would seem to contradict her comments but maybe I am just misinformed. Don’t worry Jessica…no one is looking at you compressed into your mom jeans. We are merely admiring your amazing singing ability. Your portrayal of “Daisy Duke” was certainly Oscar worthy…not showing off your assets there, were you?

Look ladies. If you are pleasant to look at, men are going to look at you. They are going to imagine you without clothes and try to estimate just how flexible you are. They are going to imagine doing all kinds of unseemly things to you and make you do things in their minds that would make Larry Flint blush. It is who we are…animals.

Obviously, this gives no man the right to act out on these thoughts, unless of course he has paid for your services or bought you dinner. So, while this guy was no doubt a creep, he was merely fantasizing about a woman that he could never actually have. Put him on a restraining order, have him serve 30 days and get counseling. That should do the trick.

As for Erin, I see that she has decided to take on a low profile and perform on Dancing With The Stars. A sure fire way to make sure men don’t ogle you in skintight outfits. Well, at least not the 2 gay judges. Keep fighting the good fight, Erin. I will not be watching as I don’t have 30 months to give up for looking at you.

(Erin trying not to be ogled by men or showing off her sacred body).

My Healthcare Plan

March 15, 2010

Once again, due the complete and utter uselessness of the federal government, I have to step in and fix America’s problems. Today, I will solve the healthcare crisis.

First, let’s look at the Democrat’s plan. The fact that it is over 2000 pages long means that maybe 6 people in the world will ever read the whole thing. Let’s just assume that it is loaded with giveaways and acquiesces to all kinds of lobbyists. After all, what legislation isn’t? I realize that once you cross the trillion dollar mark in debt, it really doesn’t matter how far you go. Kind of like any woman that has slept with more than say, 5 guys, is forever a slut. She might as well take on 200. Agreed?  

And before you Republican’s get all high and mighty, where the hell is your legislation? Even though you are a minority, don’t you get to submit bills? I am pretty sure I learned on School House Rock that anyone can submit a bill. Where is yours and how come I haven’t seen any vote on it? Unless you have submitted something better, take a big swig of shut the hell up.

Now, onto my plan. My plan calls for the refusal of all medical treatment to any person over the age of 50. I am not saying you can’t saw your own leg off, like I did, you just can’t go to a medical professional to get it done. It’s the same as not being eligible for American Idol once you reach a certain age. I don’t see anyone complaining about that rule.

It seems to me that old people hog up most of the medical costs in the US so eliminating them from the equation would save a lot of money. Plus, many would die faster and, really, who has a problem with that? Traffic would be smoother, Denny’s would start catering to the rest of us, and we would not have to endure one more AARP commercial.

Keep in mind that I am almost 50 so I am on the threshold of senility, like the rest of my 50+ peers. I am willing to walk the walk. Sure, sales of wheelchairs, denture cream, Depends, etc. would take a big hit but the lost revenue would be a pittance compared to the money saved in healthcare costs.  

Unlike my previous position, I am no longer calling for the execution of old folks ala Logan’s Run. However, I am insisting that when you see them flopping on the sidewalk having a heart attack, you just walk away. Like the Democrats, I am willing to sweeten the pot a little. All elderly men will have a coupon to have sex with a cheerleader from USC once a week. While this might seem like a logistical nightmare, I am pretty confident that most of the old codgers will die within 3 minutes of getting their freak on. After two weeks, the workload will be completely manageable.

And before you call me sexist, again, elderly women would also be incented with any outdated cucumbers that the local grocery was preparing to throw away. They don’t even have to return them. Pretty awesome plan, eh? Once again, glad I could help.

So, Have I Missed Anything?

March 11, 2010

Hello everyone. I know it’s been a little while since I posted but I have a very good reason. It is a particularly long and horrific story but I will try to pare it down.

As you know, I have offended pretty much every sub-category of humanity that exists. Well, one of the persons that I offended took action. About 2 months ago, as I was leaving work, a man (I think) with a pig mask snuck up behind me and plunged a needle in my neck. Turns out it was some sort of “knock out” drug. (Kind of like the ones I used to use when I was single).

Anyway, when I awoke, I was in a large, decrepit bathroom chained to a pole. Strangely enough, another guy was also in the room. He too, was chained. Long story short, I killed him, cut off my leg and escaped to freedom. Pretty horrific, eh?

The other way I tell this story is to say I have just been busy and got bored with writing so frequently. See how much this version sucks versus the first one? Oh, I forgot to mention, I didn’t need to cut my leg off because the key to the lock was sewn into my stomach. Isn’t it funny how life throws those little curves at you?

I apologize to those of you that have e-mailed or Facebooked me and been completely ignored. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you…just not enough to spend 30 seconds to recognize your existence. Hopefully, that makes you feel better.

So what does the future hold for this one legged, key in stomach (I am keeping it there in case there is a next time / sequel), occasional black man? I have no idea. I still hate pretty much everything and everybody except Mo’Nique. How can you not love those furry legs and cloven hooves? I would so hit that.

I would like to think I will start posting on a regular basis and become a social butterfly again. Oz knows there is plenty to write about these days. However, I might just as easily be abducted again and, this time, severely anal probed by alien midgets from Alaska. (Wouldn’t be the first time).

If you are reading this because you are still checking a site that has been dead for two months, well, Oz bless you. Also, ask your doc for new meds because you must be terminally bored and one step away falling into a complete coma.

Did I mention I love you? (Even you Art…you crazy, teabagger). I have to go Min-Wax my leg now. Shalom.