Which, by the way, is really a sad, sad thing considering I am an occasional Muslim. (And a, most of the time, heathen). Still, even with my lack of credentials, I know a religious train wreck when I see one. Hello Catholic Church.
It seems to me that the primary problem with the church is that they see themselves as a sovereign nation and do not have to answer to the masses or, apparently, law enforcement. This kind of thinking is not helping the cause.
In spite of my Sam Harris-like abhorrence of most all things religious, I can’t help but feel bad for the sorry bastards and bastardettes that call themselves Catholic. I suspect that the vast majority of these people, including the priests and nuns, are upstanding people doing their best to please God. So, generally speaking, they are an asset to the human race. Sadly, they are getting crapped on by their leaders. (Much like most of us get crapped on by our political leadership).
So, I am sending the Holy Pontiff a “to do” list of easy to accomplish items that will get the Catholics back onto the track of righteousness. Plus, my ideas will result in overflowing coffers of cash which, after all, is what all churches really covet. (You can’t cover thy neighbor but cash? Oh, hell yes!)
Dear Pope. Here are some ideas that might save you from burning in eternal hellfire.
1) Provide all internal investigations of illegal activity to some sort of judicial tribunal. Give them the power to prosecute those crimes that have not “expired” due to the statute of limitations.
2) Apologize for past crimes and sell off some art to pay for a restitution fund for the victims. The church is flat out loaded so this is a piss in the ocean for you guys.
3) Make women priests and whatever else positions you currently won’t let them have. They will help you pull your collective heads out of your collective asses.
4) Get rid off all of the rules that no one follows. It is stupid to have a rule that prohibits birth control considering 95% of your congregation is breaking the rule. The guilt thing is played out and not helpful to the flock.
5) Start letting people of color into the church (not just the token ones) and also welcome gays into your club. They would look fabulous in the robes and hats and could help update the décor at the Vatican.
6) Let priests get married or, at the very least, let them rub one off now and then. Sex is a normal behavior no matter how many times you insist it is not. I am confident that a priest can juggle loving God while tapping a little ass now and then. (And I don’t mean in the current way they are doing it).
I have a bunch more great ideas but I don’t want to clutter your Pope mind with too much information at once. You owe it to your peeps to step up and exonerate the masses. They have stuck with you through all of this mess and deserve better from you. Stop being a hard headed dick. God is not happy with your egotistical, holier than thou, attitude. In fact, he is very close to sticking your Pope hat up your backside. Do the right thing or start the smoke up and nominate me as the new Pope. I will do the right thing (like pimp out the Pope mobile so the chicks dig it). Thanks for listening, TL
P.S. The Muslims want to thank you for actually making them look like the “good” religion.