What Kind Of Deal Did Jesus Offer Haiti?

First a caveat…I really know nothing about Haiti. I know a little more today due to the endless coverage but I am still fairly clueless about its people or history. As an occasional black man, I guess I should have known more since these are my peeps but I guess you live and learn.

Anyway, I also didn’t know there was a fault line in the area of the world so I was trying to find information out about the cause of the quake. I figured it would be something to do with plates shifting or something like that but I was wrong. In fact, science had little, if anything, to do with the earthquake.

No, it turns out that the earthquake happened because the Haitians made a deal with the devil sometime ago. I was skeptical when I first heard this but two things changed my mind. First, this info came from the genius mind of Pat Robertson. There are few people, if any, in the world that I have more confidence in than Pat. Second, when he relayed the information on his show, he prefaced his comments with, “True story”. That sealed the deal for me.

Of course, this knowledge lead me to another question. How come no one ever makes a deal with Jesus? Every story I have ever heard about a religious icon making a “deal” revolves around Satan. Why is this? Are Jesus’ deals just so terrible that you would turn them down to take Satan’s?

“Hey Jesus. We want to be freed from slavery. What would you charge for such a service?” I don’t know what he answered but they went with the “burn in hell for all eternity” deal from Satan. Jesus must have some really terrible terms on his loans. I know this because everyone takes the Satan deal. I don’t understand.

Another thing. How can people from hundreds of years ago make a deal with my soul? This is really a rhetorical question because it probably works just like our government spending money that our unborn will be required to pay for endless years to come. Still, it seems like kind of a raw deal.

Last item. How exactly does one set up a meeting to sell his or her soul? (Or their nations, as in this case). I would like to sell the souls of some people I know. Well, maybe I won’t sell them but at least I want to establish what I could get for them. Is there a toll-free, 1-800-SATANIC line you call to set up an appointment? Do you need a Ouija board? Is Craigslist somehow involved? I am working diligently to get an answer.

In the interim, if any of you speak to Jesus, ask him why his terms are so terrible. He is losing every deal out there to Satan and doesn’t even seem to really care. Seriously, this guy would be on his final written warning if he worked for me. C’mon J-Man…let’s raise the bar a little.


23 Responses to What Kind Of Deal Did Jesus Offer Haiti?

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Since I’m from Miami, I remember Haitians and the excellent in-depth, (Miami Herald) award winning Haitian coverage well. My impression: enterprising and hard workers, fervent believers/practitioners of Voodoo (often melded with Catholicism), goat stew, the bloody and barbaric chicken sacrifices on the steps of the Miami-Dade courthouse, jitneys, some of the worse and most horrifically ‘creative’ offenders of child abuse (per the guardian ad litem office), tales of horrific oppression by their own government, tales of horrific corruption by their own government, overcrowded capsized boats and the inevitable forced return of the sympathetic migrants (the ones who didn’t drown), intercepted overcrowded boats that didn’t capsize, a colorful (culture, cuisine, art) people, and accents that would be music to anyone’s ears. I couldn’t help but think Haiti was a God-forsaken place. I’m tempted to submit that Beelzebub could have offered them a better deal (and this was pre-earthquake). This is a country that needed to be shaken up from top to bottom (but, not in a literal sense). From what I remember, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to see rioting and complete chaos in the next few weeks. They are going to need significant military aid in addition to food, water and first aid. Moreover, perhaps a deal with the devil.

  2. Manson48 says:

    I’ll tell you why no one has ever struck a deal with Jesus. Satan is simply more trust worthy. We can rest easy knowing Satan is not going to make a deal for your soul, and then run off, get crucified, and ascend to heaven, promising to come back, but not until the world is just about to end. Christ was a huge flight risk in his day. Besides, Satan has some really great qualities for dealmaking.

    For one thing, Satan is great with money. He has never ever called upon some hound-dog to swindle your grandmother out of her egg money on Sunday mornings, like Jesus is always doing. Jesus is a beggar and simply can not be trusted. Besides, he’s nothing but a showdog. Walking on water, splitting fish, and healing lepers are just cheap circus theatrics designed to keep your eyes off the deal’s fine print.

    Satan is a great educator too. With not one single “Unholy Book”, he manages to instruct his followers in every conceivable rotten ill-contrived sin ever invented. Then there is of course the obvious reason no one has ever struck a deal with Jesus. He’s a damned Jew! JM

  3. Satan is like an injury lawyer. He advertises on the back of buses.

  4. yorksnbeans says:

    I’m just glad I don’t believe in nor make deals with either one of them! 😉

    • Anonymous says:

      So do you believe that the beautiful birds and bushes you photograph have evolved? When I see your work I see the most magnificent creations.

  5. nonnie9999 says:

    tl, as an occasional black man, you will be relieved to know that the pact with the devil that the haitians supposedly made was up in 1991. it was only for 200 years. i guess reverend pat didn’t read the fine print on the contract.

  6. as a kind of black person, i don’t make deals with anyone. Though if the Haitians had contacted me first i could of helped them, cus God owes me,unfortunately i decided to collect that IOU in the name of my therapist who has cancer, so sorry Haitians….And Jesus, who deals with Jesus? why do i have to talk to God’s illegitimate son, to get my needs met? Sorry but i don’t eff around with the middle men…and maybe that’s why people make deals with Satan…no middle men…think about it.

  7. nursemyra says:

    All I know about Haiti I learned from Graham Greene. Apparently GG made a pact with Jesus, I think you have to be catholic to get the good terms

  8. Apparently Jesus only does adjustable rate deals…so its a balloon payment or the vagaries of tectonic shifting, take your pick.

  9. Kevin John says:

    Dear Mr. Tannerleah,

    We are honored to have you and your esteemed guests in agreement with our position on Haiti. Mr. Robertson; a trusted and nobel servant for years has built up several very profitable companies with your and your guests help such as, CBN, Trinity Broadcasting Inc., Regent Law University, and Developed Africa Mining Enterprise LLC among other less well known political affiliations around D.C. and Alexandria, VA. Recession? What recession?

    Your help in bringing our message to the masses is noted, and will be rewarded soon. That lottery ticket might just be a winner in a few weeks.

    Yours Forevermore,

    Janustrom, Director
    River Styx Level 5 dept. F, section B
    Consumer Relations
    Hell/Pergatory/Shadowland Estates

    Member Better Business Bureau

  10. bilroni says:

    I made deal with Jesus once, when I was 5. I promised him I would stay Abstinent (unaware of what that menat) until I was 49. Why he picked that number, I don’t know. He promised me a bag of skittle’s. He gave them to me, and at the time I thought it was a good deal. I’m now finding out that it was a terrible deal. He took advantage of a young naive child. “True Story”.

  11. NobblySan says:

    G’day Mr TL…. it’s been a while since I visited, and it’s good to see that you’re still as sharp as ever.

    These ‘soul share’ deals with omnipotent entities aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. One minor indiscretion, or step off the agreed path, and they own you – big style. There’s no negotiation, no second chance, and the myriad, mysterious rules aren’t obvious until you’ve broken one of the cursed things.

    I tell you… that’s the last time I get a mortgage.

  12. frigginloon says:

    I rang the Satan 1800 number and Pat Robertson told me to fuck off. What an asshole!

  13. where the eff are you? i miss my brother from another mother….please be okay.

  14. Excellent blog

    My guess is it started when JC got branded as a ‘humble carpenter’ – I have done a lot of book looking into Biblical times and my research has uncovered exactly four methods of making things back then

    1) Metal – very rare thus very expensive
    2) Stone – Not rare but rubbish for anything other
    than ‘might as well sit on a rock at a rock table’
    3) Mud/Clay – Not rare but rubbish beyond jugs plates
    and walls if you weren’t expecting any weather
    other than hot and dry

    Which left one material ‘wood’ as THE material of choice for just about everything inside and outside

    Saying Jesus was a humble carpenter is like saying someone nowadays is a ‘humble Software Designer’

  15. […] T. Leah and S. Zodi – Please note that all accidents and injuries (priapism/broken coccyx) must be cleared with staff 4-6 weeks prior to occurence. This also holds true for any other unplanned events (sexual harassment suits/weeklong benders) that may cause further absences. […]

  16. bilroni says:

    Wow, almost two months and no signs of TL. Is this the end of stopannoyingme.com?

    Hope not. It brought me much laughter during my work days.

  17. Where did TL go now? I left and came back and he’s still gone. I even brought booze and books.


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