What Kind Of Deal Did Jesus Offer Haiti?

January 15, 2010

First a caveat…I really know nothing about Haiti. I know a little more today due to the endless coverage but I am still fairly clueless about its people or history. As an occasional black man, I guess I should have known more since these are my peeps but I guess you live and learn.

Anyway, I also didn’t know there was a fault line in the area of the world so I was trying to find information out about the cause of the quake. I figured it would be something to do with plates shifting or something like that but I was wrong. In fact, science had little, if anything, to do with the earthquake.

No, it turns out that the earthquake happened because the Haitians made a deal with the devil sometime ago. I was skeptical when I first heard this but two things changed my mind. First, this info came from the genius mind of Pat Robertson. There are few people, if any, in the world that I have more confidence in than Pat. Second, when he relayed the information on his show, he prefaced his comments with, “True story”. That sealed the deal for me.

Of course, this knowledge lead me to another question. How come no one ever makes a deal with Jesus? Every story I have ever heard about a religious icon making a “deal” revolves around Satan. Why is this? Are Jesus’ deals just so terrible that you would turn them down to take Satan’s?

“Hey Jesus. We want to be freed from slavery. What would you charge for such a service?” I don’t know what he answered but they went with the “burn in hell for all eternity” deal from Satan. Jesus must have some really terrible terms on his loans. I know this because everyone takes the Satan deal. I don’t understand.

Another thing. How can people from hundreds of years ago make a deal with my soul? This is really a rhetorical question because it probably works just like our government spending money that our unborn will be required to pay for endless years to come. Still, it seems like kind of a raw deal.

Last item. How exactly does one set up a meeting to sell his or her soul? (Or their nations, as in this case). I would like to sell the souls of some people I know. Well, maybe I won’t sell them but at least I want to establish what I could get for them. Is there a toll-free, 1-800-SATANIC line you call to set up an appointment? Do you need a Ouija board? Is Craigslist somehow involved? I am working diligently to get an answer.

In the interim, if any of you speak to Jesus, ask him why his terms are so terrible. He is losing every deal out there to Satan and doesn’t even seem to really care. Seriously, this guy would be on his final written warning if he worked for me. C’mon J-Man…let’s raise the bar a little.

Female Athlete Has Breast Implants Removed

January 5, 2010

Jana Rawlinson, from Australia, decided to have her implants taken out so that she will be more competitive in the 400m hurdles in the 2012 Olympics. Apparently, she has only had them since 2009 but felt that they were somehow impeding her performance. Here is a pic of Jana with her huge boobs.

Jana makes it clear that she loves her new boobs for which she paid over $10,000 for. She just thinks she owes it to Australia to be at her best in the Olympics and looking like a man will help her. After the games, she suggests that she might have them put back in again.

This is the dumbest thing I have read in at least the last 20 minutes. First of all, her new boobs aren’t even that big so how much impact can they even have? She should have totally gone for DD’s. This way, when she leaned forward to the tape at the end of the race, she would have a clear advantage over all of the flat girls.

Also, what flat chested female Olympian ever became famous? They have to have at least a little something going on. No guy wants to look at that. Remember the famous American female marathoner that competed in something like 3 Olympics? I don’t either. Why? Because she looked like a man.

If you really want to be remembered, do this. Keep your new boobs and, halfway through the race, let them pop out of your shirt and bounce all over the place. I guarantee you that you will be remembered forever. (Or at least 6 months). Like when that American soccer player took off her jersey and only had her sports bra on. Remember her? Me neither…again, no boobage.

Beyond what Jana does or doesn’t do, there is a bigger issue here. Why are large breasted women allowed to be discriminated against in sports? Where is the outcry from the masses? They can’t help they were born that way. Why should they suffer in silence and have to sit on the sidelines?

I propose the “C Cup or Better Olympics”. This would make it fair for big busted gals to participate and I am confidant that the ratings would be a smash. It will be like the Battle of the Network Stars when Wonder Woman was in her Speedo. You remember that? Of course you do. Lynda Carter was the shizzle. And, unlike their no breasted counterparts, the C Cup Olympics will not discriminate. You want to be in? Head to the plastic surgeon and fill ‘em up.

It is tiring for me to have to fight all of these fights but, if that’s what it is going to take to make this a better world, then so be it. Next, I will begin my work on the Fat Bottomed Girls Olympics.

My New Year Resolutions

January 4, 2010

I don’t have many but I felt that if I wrote them down, I would be more likely to accomplish them. Some are going to be easier than others but I think you need some slam dunks to make yourself feel better.

  1. I will quit smoking in 2010. Sure, I have never smoked in my life but, like I said, you want to start with some easy ones. 
  2. I am going to become an occasional Muslim man this year. Being an occasional black man gives me a lot of privileges but I want to expand my horizons. I will just need to buy a black beard and learn some neat Muslim sayings. In this era of Muslim distrust, you might be asking yourself why I would do such a thing. Simple. I plan on walking around scratching my junk while holding a lighter in my hand. I think this will give me plenty of room at restaurants, movie theaters, and on airplanes. I also think I will be able to get my own seat on most amusement rides and privacy in the men’s room. 
  3. Instead of losing weight, what a tired idea, I am going to gain as much weight as it takes to go on The Biggest Loser. Then, while I am at the ranch, I can sleep with that hot trainer dude, Jillian. I realize being an occasional fat Muslim might cause me some issues but I haven’t figured out all of the minor details yet. 
  4. I am going to rent a car and then tell the rental people that I lost it and that I think I left my child in the trunk. This will get me on the national news and a reality show cannot be far behind. When they find the car with no kid in it, I will just say I was really, really drunk and apologize. Larry King will be my first interview and I am going to punch him. This will raise my celebrity value immensely. 
  5. I am going to stop my pursuit of Sarah Palin. I know, I know….this seems like an awfully harsh resolution. But here is the deal. She is almost 50 and, as I have already told you any number of times, life ends for women at 50. Look, she had her chance and blew it. I am not completely ruling out doing the older daughter but I am making no promises. 

I probably have a bunch more to add to my list but my mental illness prevents me from focusing on lists that contain more than five items. 2009 was a moderately horrible year and 2010 looks about the same or worse. For instance, all of the white women will be unavailable due to Tiger being single again. I will fell a little better if they let OJ out of jail this year. That would be nice.

Sorry for being so sporadic lately but the Tussin, Nyquil, Tylenol PM’s, and prescription meds are messing up my finely tuned temple. I will try to do better…eventually.