Christmas Etiquette And Illegitimate Children

Invariably at this time of year, questions come up about what kind of gift or present is appropriate for various people. For instance, should you give your letter carrier or trash collecting guy some cash? These are serious questions but that’s not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about how to deal with… how should I say it?…illegitimate children. Over the years, I have collected a fair amount of “extra” children and always feel compelled to do something special for them for Christmas.

Let me be clear, I am not a deadbeat dad. I know most of these kids names and roughly what years they were born. There is Hermann, Mary, Shaniqua, Consuelo, Bubba, Ishmael (I was going through a Bob Dylan phase), Cadillac, and Stumpy. Stumpy was actually born with the name Delbert but since he has no feet, we call him Stumpy. (Apparently, his condition may be related to the fact that I slept with my 1st cousin. Man, was she hot).

Each year, I try to take care of these kids and send them gifts. The older ones are easy to shop for. Beer and tobacco products pretty much take care of them. As for the younger ones under 12, well, it gets a little more complicated. They need individual gifts like air rifles for the boys and mini stripper poles for the girls. (So they can grow up to be just like their mamas).

Another problem I have is how to sign the attached gift tag. Most of these kids have had several dads so just writing “dad” leaves them hopelessly confused. Sometimes I write “TL” but I have shared many of the same women with Tommy Lee and you can see how that is an issue. Sometimes I write “banged your mama in ’74” but I have trouble keeping the dates in order.

Now, before you judge me and tell me what a horrible person I am, know that I also have had 7 or 8 dads. So it should be no surprise that I learned to “share my love” at a young age with a variety of women. Look, if I had more room in my trailer, I might even would let some of these young ‘uns live with me but the lack of room makes it impossible. However, I faithfully play my lucky lotto number and when I hit it big these kids are going to share the wealth with me. (Except Stumpy. Honestly, I just can’t look at that kid without feeling a little queasy).

However, until the lucky lotto day comes, or they all end up in a federal penitentiary, I will keep trying to do the right thing by my children. If any of you that have used the Dewey Decimal system or are good with numbers and letters can help me with a better system to deliver these presents, I would appreciate hearing about it. Thanks, TL

Here’s a cute picture of me and little Hermann playing.


17 Responses to Christmas Etiquette And Illegitimate Children

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    First off, squash any urge to compile this data onto a CD. You will want a physical system that you can rummage through in a flash in the event new ones show up on your doorstep. I’m thinking a hanging file system, perhaps a FreedomFiler whereby you can color code the kids (this is pretty straight forward: black, white, brown, yellow…wait, no Jewish kids?) utilizing lateral or vertical files. Now that we have established a ‘subject’ category, we can move on to indexing. First, create two drawers, one active, one historic. The active drawer will contain the files for those kids you keep in touch with and the historic is for the kids you have long lost track of (again, a reference point if the little bastards ring your bell). Put most recent kids toward the front in their corresponding color-coded folder. A stapled photo of the kid will prove indispensable as are roomy tabs and social security numbers. I envy all your end of year deductions, TL.

    I’m not sure where to purchase the air rifles, but Tesco (UK) does carry the kiddy mini-stripper pole you are looking for.

    P.S. I thought ‘Goering’ was a clever middle name for little Hermann.

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    P.P.S. Isn’t this what’s is really about (keeping track of the deductions)?

  3. Obviously you need to feed your illegitimate kids. They are eating their clothes.

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    here’s my advice. try to convince tommy lee to sign his cards TL. he’s a lot richer than you are and probably gives much nicer presents. get to the little basta…darlings’ houses before he does, and tell them that TL stands for tannerleah, not tommy lee. it’ll be way cheaper for you.

  5. I revere you in a way that I heretofore not done.. You dip your stick in the same pool as Tommy Lee… wait, I’m thinking Tommy Lee Jones, you mean Tommy Lee?

    I hope the Mrs is buying you a vasectomy for the holidays? Might be apt giving your proclivity for trailer trash!!!

    ps Elizabeth sounds pretty sharp,but I’m confused.. isn’t she kin?

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      Smart women want to be verbally seduced by smart men. Tommy Lee Jones graduated from Harvard. That’s why women get a hard-on for the likes of TL and CLT (I don’t get a hard-on for TL…that would be just plain incestuous). TL would have fared better (gene pool wise) had he dip-sticked the Jones’s women. Those kids would have sported cute little burgundy t-shirts emblazoned with a crested “veritas.”

    • tannerleah says:

      I should have been clearer. I meant Tommy Lee Jenkins. He is a guy I met while serving time in Oklahoma. We “shared” a lot of the same gals.

  6. yorksnbeans says:

    I’m totally perplexed, gob-smacked, dumbfounded, astonished, etc. etc. I don’t know what to say. You are not the person I thought you were all these months. I must get my wits about me. I’ll talk to you later.

    • tannerleah says:

      Not to worry, YnB. Most people think I am some sort of shallow cretin that is incapable of fathering a gaggle of children. The fact that you are just now basking in my awesomeness is ok. It takes some time to get used to.

  7. Happy Perpetual Father’s Day, dad! (Can I call you dad?)

    I hear you went “downtown” with my mom in 1974. She’s goes on and on about you! In fact, every time I bring home a stray hooker or sport a visible erection, she says “You remind me so much of your dad.” She says this through teeth gritted so tightly they often shatter when she accents a syllable.

    She’s brought you up at nearly every formative moment of my life.

    Have a car repoed? “Your dad never liked ‘low monthly payments.'”

    Repeat the junior year in high school? “That was your dad’s favorite grade. He repeated it three times and continued dating juniors well into his forties.”

    Violate a restraining order? “Your dad was never much for following rules. Dial 911 for me, would you? I think he’s trying to get in the garage door.”

    Bet $1000 on black (and lose it all)? “Your dad did that. Occasionally.”

    Well, it is nice to finally put a face with the name (“your dad”). To think you’ve been this close all along… Makes me wish I had emotions to wear on my sleeve. But I have no sleeves. Just like Billy Ray Cyrus.

    • tannerleah says:

      I’m afraid you are mistaken. I would remember a kid named CLT. (As I remember most names that are parts of the female body).

      Plus, I only made it through 8th grade. High school was never anything more than a pipe dream.

  8. Theenie says:

    I wanted 10-15 illegitimate children, but it is a heck of a lot harder to have that many when you are the one who has to b pregnant with them. Do they count as illegitimate if I hire several surrogates to carry them and use random sperm collected from men at the bars to fertilize the eggs?

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