As most of you know, I am tired all of the time. I had a bunch of tests done and they all came back normal. The only other suggestion the doctor had was to do a sleep study and see if I had sleep apnea. I figured why not and scheduled it.
The brochure describes the sleep room as kind of like a hotel room. This was pretty much true although it seemed to have a bit of a porn vibe to it. Still, it seemed fine and I was only going to be there for one night.
The nurse was very nice and said I should “prepare for bed” and she would be in to hook me up to the electrodes or whatever it is. I brushed my teeth, used the bathroom and undressed for bed. I sat in a chair waiting for her return. When she came in she seemed kind of perplexed. “Sir, where are your clothes?” I told her I sleep commando cause my guys don’t like to be all restrained and bunched up. It makes them feel claustrophobic. She said this wouldn’t work and left the room. Shortly thereafter, she brought me some scrubs to sleep in…which I did.
She hooked up a bunch of wires to my head and legs. I asked if maybe I could watch some pay-per-view before going to sleep but she said they didn’t have any. (What kind of hotel doesn’t have PPV?) Anyway, she shuts off all the lights and leaves the room. She said she would speak to me through the intercom in a few minutes.
As I lay in the dark, a voice comes over the intercom that sounds like a bad connection from a fast food joint. “Sir, are you bllgggg fdldjhskj skhdd?” I didn’t understand a damned thing she said. After awhile, she seemed to take the microphone out of her mouth and I could understand her. She told me a few things and then said that was it. I should go to sleep.
I must have laid there for like 2 hours wide awake. Normally, when I can’t sleep I might just decide to rub one of. However, there are cameras in the room so I had to be discrete. I went for it anyway and as I was starting to build some momentum, the voice from nowhere says, “Sir, what are you doing?” Quickly, I responded, “I think I have crabs. I am itching like crazy”. In a kind of perturbed voice, she says, “Well, quit it”. So, my fantasy of Sarah was quickly squelched and I finally fell asleep.
Naturally, I woke up several times in the night. I had pretty bad gas but since the room had a microphone in it, I didn’t want to just let one rip. I have some class, you know. So I would try to hold my butt cheeks real tight together so it wouldn’t make that plfffftttt noise. Instead, it sounded like someone was slowly letting the air out of a balloon. A real high pitched, whining sound. And, because so much air needed to come out, it lasted like 5 minutes. She kept saying, “Sir, are you ok?” but I faked asleep. In retrospect, the fact that I was hooked up to 100 electrodes that told her I was NOT asleep probably gave me away but screw it.
In the morning, she just barged in and told me to get up. I had kicked off the covers during the night and I think my junk was hanging out but I didn’t care. I felt like crap and my nurse did not like my suggestion of me needing a sponge bath. Again, I must have been in the worst hospital ever.
My results will not be ready for 2 more months so, in the meantime, I just have to continue to be tired. Art suggested I stop being fat (thanks Art) but I don’t have any other good ideas. Let me know if you think of anything. Yours sleepily, TL