My Sleep Study Experience

As most of you know, I am tired all of the time. I had a bunch of tests done and they all came back normal. The only other suggestion the doctor had was to do a sleep study and see if I had sleep apnea. I figured why not and scheduled it.

The brochure describes the sleep room as kind of like a hotel room. This was pretty much true although it seemed to have a bit of a porn vibe to it. Still, it seemed fine and I was only going to be there for one night.

The nurse was very nice and said I should “prepare for bed” and she would be in to hook me up to the electrodes or whatever it is. I brushed my teeth, used the bathroom and undressed for bed. I sat in a chair waiting for her return. When she came in she seemed kind of perplexed. “Sir, where are your clothes?” I told her I sleep commando cause my guys don’t like to be all restrained and bunched up. It makes them feel claustrophobic. She said this wouldn’t work and left the room. Shortly thereafter, she brought me some scrubs to sleep in…which I did.

She hooked up a bunch of wires to my head and legs. I asked if maybe I could watch some pay-per-view before going to sleep but she said they didn’t have any. (What kind of hotel doesn’t have PPV?) Anyway, she shuts off all the lights and leaves the room. She said she would speak to me through the intercom in a few minutes.

As I lay in the dark, a voice comes over the intercom that sounds like a bad connection from a fast food joint. “Sir, are you bllgggg fdldjhskj skhdd?” I didn’t understand a damned thing she said. After awhile, she seemed to take the microphone out of her mouth and I could understand her. She told me a few things and then said that was it. I should go to sleep.

I must have laid there for like 2 hours wide awake. Normally, when I can’t sleep I might just decide to rub one of. However, there are cameras in the room so I had to be discrete. I went for it anyway and as I was starting to build some momentum, the voice from nowhere says, “Sir, what are you doing?” Quickly, I responded, “I think I have crabs. I am itching like crazy”. In a kind of perturbed voice, she says, “Well, quit it”. So, my fantasy of Sarah was quickly squelched and I finally fell asleep.

Naturally, I woke up several times in the night. I had pretty bad gas but since the room had a microphone in it, I didn’t want to just let one rip. I have some class, you know. So I would try to hold my butt cheeks real tight together so it wouldn’t make that plfffftttt noise. Instead, it sounded like someone was slowly letting the air out of a balloon. A real high pitched, whining sound. And, because so much air needed to come out, it lasted like 5 minutes. She kept saying, “Sir, are you ok?” but I faked asleep. In retrospect, the fact that I was hooked up to 100 electrodes that told her I was NOT asleep probably gave me away but screw it.

In the morning, she just barged in and told me to get up. I had kicked off the covers during the night and I think my junk was hanging out but I didn’t care. I felt like crap and my nurse did not like my suggestion of me needing a sponge bath. Again, I must have been in the worst hospital ever.

My results will not be ready for 2 more months so, in the meantime, I just have to continue to be tired. Art suggested I stop being fat (thanks Art) but I don’t have any other good ideas. Let me know if you think of anything. Yours sleepily, TL


44 Responses to My Sleep Study Experience

  1. bschooled says:


    Your honesty and candidness is why I revere you, TL. Your junk, not so much…

    Regardless, I look forward to watching your 2 hours of sleeplessness unfold on the next episode of 20/20.

    Maybe not the actual “rubbing one out” part (as if you didn’t follow through), but definitely the other hour and 59 minutes of it.

    (What can I say, I don’t get out much…)

  2. yorksnbeans says:

    It already hit the circuit, TL.

  3. I’d like to tell Art to blow me! What an unhelpful suggestion! Sounds a bit like my ex-husband.

    So, you really thought you could go commando in an observation room? What were you thinking?

    p.s. how pretty is your junk? (read with an emphasis on is)

  4. Bilroni says:

    Is it even possible to sleep without rubbing one off first??? I guess I will have to do a study of my own tonight.

  5. Very interesting.

    I had a (surprisingly) similar experience when I was 16. Only I did succeeded with letting my snake vomit. Reading your post made me realize you and I both probably aren’t the only demented sleepless fat guys who try to impregnate a sleep study bed. Good for you that you didn’t succeeded, trust me. Asking the nurse to come unlock the door for me after I was done so I can go to the restroom and clean my mess was…hm…embarrassing.

    My sleep test resulted in a Tonsils Removal surgery. Nowadays I sleep better, but get sick almost every winter. I also now prefer wakking off in the AM, but that might have nothing to do with this fine story.

    Good health,

    • bschooled says:

      Good point, FS. It’s definitely more common than one would think. In fact, my mother told me that’s how I was conceived.

      (Apparently they weren’t too keen on changing the sheets back then.)

    • tannerleah says:

      Next time, I will take one of those black lights like they have on CSI that show blood and semen. That should keep me entertained for at least an hour or two. Then I can “tag” my own space.

  6. I am sorry. I had tears in my eyes reading this so I can not comment properly at the moment.

  7. Sarah says:

    Results will not be ready for two months? They shared mine with me that morning, I saw the Dr. the next day and got a CPAP machine that afternoon.

    Now, if you do have sleep apnea, I can’t wait to hear the stories you will tell about your “snout mask”, as my DH so inelegantly puts it. However, you *will* feel better.

    Brave man, TL!

  8. You’d think I’d know a little about this, but alas not. I am waiting for your sleep video to go viral. I admire the lengths you go to for the sake of comedy, I tip my hat to you TL.

  9. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Couldn’t resist recycling the YouTube sleep vid into a tweet. This story reminded me of the time I wore a Holter monitor (24 hour EKG device) and was instructed to get ‘excited’ while wearing it. Any other time (I was visibly pregnant) the cardiologist would have participated in the process.

    This is another one of those rare instances where Art and I agree. Pardon me while I pontificate on health care, or more aptly, the lack of common sense in health care (disclosure: I am a reformed health care ‘waster’). Pick up something that weighs 10 lbs, then 20 lbs, 30 lbs…lug that shit around for a day or two. You will be tired. ALL THE TIME. Go on a diet and exercise program. If you are still fatigued after losing the excess blubber and building your stamina up to an hour on the treadmill, then yes, there may be an underlying medical reason (even patients with chronic fatigue syndrome can build up stamina so don’t let that hold you back). That sleep study probably cost around $2,000-6,000*. The money would have been better spent on subsidizing fruits and vegetables, nutrition counseling and giving you a free gym membership for a year or two. There is dis/i>ease in disease which can be ameliorated by intense perfusion of oxygen in the brain and muscles (mood booster too-woo-hoo!). Sorry to go on and on and I speak for myself as well. I have 10 more lbs to whittle off and yes, I feel tired lugging it around (but, far less tired then when I was lugging 20-30 lbs). The difference in energy levels when one has a normal/sub-normal BMI/healthy diet can be staggering. Lots of people don’t realize that fat cells secrete all sorts of inflammatory chemicals…these are NOT ‘feel good’ chemicals! The fatter you are, the more toxins being excreted by your surplus adipose.

    *sleep apnea is a serious disorder, but can often be treated with wt loss. You very well may have needed this test and it may NOT be wt related at all. I’m merely pointing out that we are drugging, testing and ‘treating’ our nation into medical bankruptcy when simple solutions are at our disposal. Congress should insist America go on a diet, then make the necessary reforms to make health care more equitable once we have fulfilled our obligations. Same with our financial state of affairs. I subscribe to Art’s school of simplicity: lose weight/spend wisely/get moving. America is getting too weird for me (‘rights’ without the responsibilities). I’ve said enough. I’m going to get what’s left of my fat ass on the treadmill and eat my veggies. I need a boost of energy too.

    • tannerleah says:

      That was a very well thought out and insightful post you made, Liz. It speaks to many of the problems in today’s society particularly as it relates to the heath care situation.

      My response to your thoughtful prose is “suck my fat, sleepy di**”.

      It’s this kind of dialogue that will bring us together.

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    oops… boobed the italics thing again…

  11. I don’t have any medical experience but I do know my way around an intercom.

    I would suggest rrthlllskkkd ssstrrrk kkassskrs. If that’s not helping, perhaps taking some mmhnnhhhn with a nice herbal rrrsskkknnng will take the edge off.

    If you’re not fond of herbal remedies (and who is, really), you could try to alter things chemically by using a combination of klxxnnksss and bzzzrrrrr. Be careful, though. If you have consumed any whrrrnn within the last eight hours, it could cause shortness of breathing, insomnia and death.

    Of course, there’s always a low-impact exercise regimen that may get your body into a rhythm. Start slowly with some dddkkss and work up gradually to ggglffffdd for 30 minutes a day. As your stamina increases, be sure to up your tempo.

    Another great set of exercises requires the use of a pppsssssttt. You may want a trainer to get you started on this. Used incorrectly, the pppssssttt can ffgkkkk sswwor leading to rrrrssktt and prrnnn, which if ignored will cccnsddd hhhkhhk a surprising amount of blood in wwqwwqwrr. Once the vvvvhhfd is fffrrssk, only a trained cvccvnnnnnk will be skkkxxx llllnnnk and kkrnkkgg, but the retina may be permanently detached.

    Take care, TL. Keep us posted on any developments.

  12. nursemyra says:

    I’ll give you a sponge bath TL

  13. frigginloon says:

    A sponge bath and a 100 electrodes? Hmm, should make you wide eyed and bushy tailed.

  14. mattress says:

    I would never be able to do a sleep study. I can’t sleep if I know people are watching me.

    • tannerleah says:

      It’s not really that bad. I was just nervous that they could see the sheets moving while I was rubbing one off. (Sorry if that’s too much info).

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