Facebook And Twitter Are The Suck

I tried…I really, really tried. I signed up for Twitter a few weeks ago and even got a few followers before I had even written a word. Then, I just gazed endlessly at the “What’s Happening” prompt and froze. What’s happening when? Now? Obviously, I am looking at Twitter. 5 minutes ago? Maybe I was taking a dump. 5 minutes from now? Maybe I will be scratching my groin. Twitter is causing a rip in my space/time continuum. So, to date, I have yet to Tweet a word. Fu** you Twitter and the absolutely stupid, mind numbing game you play.

Next, I moved onto Facebook. Everyone has Facebook so this taught me two things. First, it is simple enough that any idiot can use it and second, anytime you can find a group of mindless lemmings congregated, good fun usually ensues.

I set up my little Facebook world and in no time had 10 “friends”. I haven’t had 10 friends in my entire lifetime yet in 30 minutes I was virtually a superstar. I must say… the stroking of my ego felt good. So I started writing brief, innocuous comments. I certainly didn’t want to offend anyone out of the gate and I don’t know what kind of policing tactics they use there so I kept it clean.

Very, very quickly I found a fatal flaw to FB. It is boring! Jesus, Joseph and Mary do I really care that your puppy got a sliver in his foot or you are thinking about having a chicken casserole tonight. Why in the world would anyone care about such meaningless minutia? Still, being new, I waited to see the hopefully riveting answer. Tick-tock, tick-tock… nothing. I wait like 4 hours to see what happened to the puppy and not a damned thing.

That’s when I noticed that people often respond in days and weeks! Who asks a question that can be answered in a week from now? Wow, that sure must be an important question.

Sally: “Alice, was your mom seriously hurt in the accident?”

Alice: “I’m not sure. Let me get back to you on that in a week”.

Sally: “No worries. I’ll just be here with my thumb up my ass waiting for your response”

No wonder the Farm game is so damned popular on FB. People have to sit around for hours waiting for someone to answer their questions. I guess picking up the phone is simply out of the question. Hey! While you were waiting your crops came in! Now go click on the squares for a mind-numbingly period of time to “harvest” them. And, as Oz as my witness, kids and full grown adults do this all…day…long.

So, I am at a crossroads. I will try FB for a few more days and see if maybe I am missing something. However, I must tell you, it reeks of mindless, time killing that is designed to dumb down the population another 50 IQ points. Read a book? Fu** that! I’m almost ready to harvest my sunflowers and get to level 32!

One thing I know. My love and respect for my fellow bloggers and comment providers has grown significantly over the last day or two. Even the people that call me a di**head or fu**stick show that they still have a pulse. Keep fighting the good fight people. Dark days are ahead. Dark days, indeed.   

Even God is starting to get a little pissed off.

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48 Responses to Facebook And Twitter Are The Suck

  1. marcys says:

    Great stuff. Come see me on FB, I’ll try to amuse. Look for Marcy Sheiner (I have no idea how to get to me)

  2. Moe says:

    You sir, are way way too funny. So funny that I shall have to come back and back and back. Your post below has made my day – and considering how it started, that is no mean feat!

  3. Tizzle says:

    Can on old man! I will agree that FB is about as exciting as watching paint dry or being forced to watch old people hump (my bad, I forgot you were into that) but regardless, Twitter is pretty damn fun. Maybe you have the wrong followers and you are following the wrong people. If you want, I will let you follow me on Twitter you know I am always a hoot!

  4. The problem is Twitter doesn’t allow for your long rants.

    Facebook, I only joined so I would quit getting emails from facebook saying people want me to join. Now I can ignore it.

  5. Donald Mills says:

    HA! Well done Tannerleah.

    I set up my little Facebook world and in no time had 10 “friends”. I haven’t had 10 friends in my entire lifetime yet in 30 minutes I was virtually a superstar.

    That’s just too damned funny. Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Bilroni says:

    Good job d**k head. I must say, that wasn’t bad at all for a f**k stick like you.

  7. FB can be fun if you enjoy being a voyeur of the mundane. I’m afraid I’m guilty of producing the same.

    But…(at the risk of being stoned for saying I like it), it’s a good place to post interesting news stories, links to blog posts (a-hem), etc., which my friends and I do also.

  8. Moe says:

    When I retired last year from the theatre where I”d been for over a decade, I joined FB just to keep tabs on who’s doing what there. Or wherever they are (actors move around). And that’s exactly how it’s working for me. I don’t participate a lot except to drop the occasional congrats.

  9. yorksnbeans says:

    I don’t get Twitter either. I hit the post button, wait and nothing. Where did my thought go? I’m still wondering.

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I absolutely LOVE Twitter and almost never freeze when it comes time to tweet (but I might if I had to write a blog). I have twitpic’d my daughters “Jewcy” thong, homemade pickle petit fours and condiment soup, Rabbi Rosenfeld flashing gang signs at Mandalay Bay and a bottle of Prozac next to a Whole Foods container of steel-cut oats. I enjoy sharing what makes me laugh throughout the day. I also have used Twitter to keep my girls in line.

    Here are some of my (personal) favorite tweets over the last few months:

    “Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings” -Richard Dawkins

    Woke up this morning and weighed my Sunday paper: 4 1/2 lbs

    Bumped into Rachel at 5 a.m. this morning. I told her she was getting up too early & she told me I was going to bed too late. Who wuz right?

    Upon awaking, realized I have 5 garbage cans in the garage but only use 1 of them. Wondered if this was a manifestation of hoarding disorder

    Wrapped a jumbo ace bandage around my head to stop the headaches. Think it is working.

    Couldn’t dislodge a colossal calcium pill that was wedged between my frenulum and lower teeth with my tongue…had to manually pop it out.

    Atheist elves plan to scamper/scurry thruout the hood t’nite confiscating cheesy K/Wal-Mart XMAS lawn ornaments and candy cane decorations

    Still seeing light halos when I drive at night (that was some bad-ass shit 20 years ago).

    JudeanDelivery.com will scatter yur ashes anywhere in Israel. Think I want to open a comparable business: I will scatter u anywhere in Vegas

    After dinner, Rabbi Rosenfeld suggested viewing porno films in his room at Encore. Pulled out Kleenex & laughed hysterically (true story)

    Overheard on the Las Vegas Strip: “I have a tampon that needs to be plucked”

    Stay tuned: QuantumGrl is going down to the Las Vegas Strip tomorrow night & will try to get & POST filmed footage of ‘mobile strippers’

    Seeking first ‘virtual marriage’ on Twitter. You must propose via Twitter and agree to a subsequent ‘virtual divorce’ (I’m not very social)

    Going to ‘deepthroat’ the cucumbers if they keep staring…

    I’m the only person I know who washes their credit cards after every use (and ‘sleeves’ them in baggies)

    Just remembered a weird craving I once indulged: gefilte fish and sauerkraut juice. It went down fine, but the ‘afterburp’ was putrid

    Surely, people r drinking my sloughed off atoms. Are you me? Am I you? Are we all each other? Maybe it’s ok to die since I’ll still be here

    If the body regenerates every 7 years, then I have 7 selves that have ‘dissolved’ or have been incorporated elsewhere. Where are my atoms?

    Shooger: “MOM! She’s punching my labia!” Need to get Bebe to boxing studio ASAP

    Wonder if Walgreens carries caffeine impregnated transdermal patches?

    During drive-thru at In-N-Out Burger, girls discussed what kind of purse their hoo-hoos were. Sugar: “tote”. Bebe: “clutch, for sure”

    Overheard Bebe to Sugar: “how do you have sex after dining out with a guy? You’re all bloated and gross.” Sugar: “order a salad”

    Bebe: “How long do people have sex?” Me: “30 seconds to 5 hours or more.” Bebe: “FIVE HOURS! Wouldn’t your pee-pee get carpal tunnel?!!?”

    Accidently ordered (and bit into) ‘tricked and treyfed out’ pizza…can’t differentiate pepperoni from tomato-am surely going to Jew hell

    I love Twitter!! Facebook, I could do without.

  11. andrew says:

    Alright, I friended you and nothing in return yet. It’s been like 4 minutes. And you claim to be connected…

  12. Hey, f***stick. Don’t sh*t on the FB Farming game.

    Or rather, do sh*t on it. My crops are badly in need of fertilizer.

    I suppose I could go and befriend you but then you’d just get all pissed off about my endless requests for more fertilizer.

    The other problem?

    I need more space than FB really allows. Well, they allow whatever, but I tend to sprawl and those little comment boxes constrict my verbosity.

    Never have tweeted or twitted or whatever the hell it is. “Microblogging,” I suppose. But that’s OK with me. We can’t all be Solange Knowles…

  13. tannerleah says:

    Your fascination with Solange definitely borders on the stalker / insane realm. Granted, she is a brilliant linguist and says in 140 characters what it takes me 400 words to say so I see the attraction.

  14. bschooled says:

    Haha! Good one, TL.

    I signed up for Twitter but it was suddenly blocked at work. And that’s where I do all my non-work related activities. So I decided it would just be easier if I wrote my updates on post-it-notes and handed them out individually to each of my co-workers. At least it gets me out of my desk every so often.

    Since I started blogging I barely use FB anymore…(but believe you me, that won’t stop me from trying to find you.)

    • Moe says:

      Why is is that when we start blogging we stop FBing and stop all the trolling and cruising around the blogshpere??? and given that halt in reading in favor of writing, where the hell am I getting my info to write about? Tis a puzzle.

    • tannerleah says:

      bschooled – don’t you hate how “the man” at work is always trying to take the fun out of living? For instance, I bought lunch for everyone and loaded their milkshakes with laxatives. The brawl to use the bathroom was a riot. Turns out, HR had a “problem” with it. Bunch of Nazis.

  15. unfortunately i twitter, facebook, myspace, and deviant art…i don’t have time for real friends because i’m so busy waiting for answers and keeping everyone up to date with my life. You know, like right now my twitter would say: “responding to TL’s blog”

    • tannerleah says:

      That is called “multi tasking”. Put it on your resume…it looks impressive.

    • tvsnark says:

      I gave up on Myspace, it bored me.
      Twitter is fun. My kid LOVES deviant art. I haven’t spent much time on there so I will ask you, is it safe for kids? I do monitor her comments but I don’t know much about it. Thanks.

  16. Foreigner says:

    After this post i went to look for you on Facebook,found you but didnt friend you…i have a scary name so i didnt want to give you more to worry about lol.Ps. the martini pic was a dead giveaway.
    Disclaimer: I am not a stalker…at least thats what my therapist said.

    • tannerleah says:

      Are you a real foreigner? I already have something like 3 Jihads hanging over my head so don’t worry about it.

      I need a new stalker. The last one fired me because I was too boring. Couldn’t really argue with that. I will be looking for your “friend” request soon.

  17. Foreigner says:

    Ah yes,Im as foreign as a Rob schneider Movie in a top ten list.I shall be sending the “friend” request this instant.An acceptance would be highly appreciated.

  18. tvsnark says:

    I was cleaning out my bookmarks and found your blog, again. I have the best defense for Facebook.

    LOVE.

    I only started because a friend was on and he couldn’t navigate (not the brightest bulb). My first night I added all my work and former work friends. Being at my job for over 21 years, there were plenty.

    The next night I went to my high school classmates. Best friends, old neighbors, my 6th grade teacher! I was shocked. My HS experiences weren’t the greatest so I was very cautious about who I asked to be a friend. Within an hour I was chatting with at least 5 people. One guy confessed to having a crush on me in HS. Yeah, right, whatever. After 5 hours of chatting with him, we took it to the phone. Long story short, he flew from the Midwest to spend time with me in California. Now we are in love and planning our future together. All because of Facebook!

    Also, our 30 year High School Reunion is in the summer of 2010. What a cute surprise we will be!! We ran in “completely different circles and are a couple that nobody could have predicted.

    • tannerleah says:

      What a beautiful story. It reminds me of a story of a woman that met an old friend on FB and started an on-line relationship. After about 2 months they met. I don’t remember all of the finer details but she ended up in the desert with all of her limbs chopped off.

      I hope your meeting goes a little better.

      • tvsnark says:

        Yeah, well, our meeting went great. We also knew each other in High School and have mutual friends, so it wasn’t like we’re total strangers.

        I’m 47 so I have to grab a man before I turn 50 and turn useless. 😉

  19. why didn’t you request me? asshole.

    and you should check out lamebook.com.

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