The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Everything

I am afraid that Global Warming is going to end the world but not before I die due to any of the various winter “storms of the century”. Or, Al Gore continues to speak and the greenhouse gasses he spews kills us all.

I fear that my lack of faith will lead to an eternal death but I am equally afraid of picking the wrong team. (Arriving in Heaven – “Excuse me, is Jesus here?” Large black man – “Sorry dude, you picked the wrong team. Asa lama lakum”)… Well, fu**.

I fear that I will have an enlarged bladder, enlarged prostate, and enlarged thingy. When I cut loose, it will be like a fire hydrant exploding and I will injure innocent bystanders.

I am afraid that I will be attacked by Al Qaeda but am equally afraid that I will be attacked by Randy Quaid trying to steal my lunch money. Where is the US military when you really need them?

I worry about not having health care but also worry about having crappy health care. “Oh! We were supposed to remove your gall bladder. Well sir, shit happens”.

I worry that the music industry will file a law suit against me for downloading music illegally but I am equally worried that the quality of the music will leave me deaf within 6 months.

I fear that Sarah Palin is not nearly as brilliant as she appears to be. I also fear that she is having a secret affair with Al Sharpton. (Explains the retarded baby).

I worry that Steven Spielberg will suffer from dementia and make a sequel to Jaws called Jews where short white men will swim aimlessly in the ocean looking for lost change.

I worry that the Tea Party people will recruit folks from Kentucky and they will go around trying to tea bag everyone. Worse yet, they will rub lemons on their junk which will make everyone pucker up and give the appearance of smooching their man purses.

I fear that the Mayans got it wrong and the world will really end in 2013. Vito is going to want his exceedingly large loan back and Salma Hayek, whose boobs I grabbed as the clock struck twelve, is going to punch my lights out. Oh, and the “wouldn’t it be funny if I painted my junk red, white and blue and run on the football field” will seem slightly less funny. Fu**ing Mayans…would it kill you to buy a watch?

Finally, I worry that the medication I am on will wear off soon and I regret writing all of the things mentioned above. I also fear that the meds I stole from the lady down the hall might give me a vagina. Is that possible?

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24 Responses to The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Everything

  1. jimRSA says:

    Retarded baby? That’s out of line, dickhead.

  2. “I worry that Steven Spielberg will suffer from dementia and make a sequel to Jaws called Jews where short white men will swim aimlessly in the ocean looking for lost change.”

    FAVORITE of all time…lol so funny…

  3. tannerleah says:

    Thank you, TLS. I thought using the term Steven Spielberg would be out of line.

  4. No worries mate, you’re golden, except I would still keep an eye on Randy Quaid, you know, just to be safe.

  5. I also fear that the meds I stole from the lady down the hall might give me a vagina. Is that possible?

    … Are you hoping?

    • tannerleah says:

      It is possible. The pill is called “instavag” and is filled with estrogen and causes your lady parts hair to grow in like a landing strip.

      If I had one, I am fairly sure the ER would have to have a special ward for removing foreign objects. (And I don’t mean Frenchmen).

  6. nursemyra says:

    I thought the vagina pills were still protected by patent… where are you getting your meds from TL?

  7. yorksnbeans says:

    TL regret something. I doubt it.

  8. Let me just “front” a little if I may. I ain’t scared of sh*t. (Except TL’s irrational use of asterisks.)

    I don’t believe most of what I read and even less of what I say. The world is run by privileged bullshit artists and con men.

    It’s run by people who would rather the population died out or reverted to third-world conditions rather than see the global thermometer climb a half a degree.

    It’s run by people beholden to special interest groups and lobbyists.

    It’s run by people who cling to their religious beliefs in the face of logic, compassion and their own hypocrisy.

    It’s run by people whose money has let them buy a disconnected life free from responsibility.

    It’s run by people who want your neighbor and his 1/2 oz. of weed to spend years in prison while pretending to rehabilitate human beings whose actions should have them permanently stripped of the word “human.”

    It’s run by people with noxious ideas and the power to act on them.

    It’s run by people with no sense of humor, irony or introspection.

    I say f*** them all.

    They can embrace their manufactured fears.

    I’ll keep my family.

    I’ll keep my true friends.

    I’ll keep my soul.

    • tannerleah says:

      Here I was worrying that since the passing of George Carlin, there was no one else out there to speak the truth. Now I know I can always count on you. Thanks CLT for giving me hope.

  9. CatGod says:

    I thought today was going to be a nice happy day, but after reading this – I”m scared too!

  10. bschooled says:

    Don’t worry, TL, we’re in the same boat.

    I worry about all of these things too (except the last one-I fear I will end up with a vagima instead)

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