Tiger Woods Has Banged 2,637 Women

Now, can we stop talking about it? When has a pro athlete cheating on his wife become a story worth following? Christ, if the ugliest athlete of all time, Larry Bird, was able to score some strange, what athlete can’t? Who cares?

This would have never even been an issue if white women could learn to keep their mouths shut. What, you don’t think Tiger gets it on with black women, Latino’s, Asians, little people, he-she’s and everything else? Of course he does. The difference is they know how to keep a secret. White women just can’t help but blab all over the place.

And does anyone win in this deal? Well, a few people. First, Tiger’s wife now has enough money to buy an island. That seems like a pretty good deal. No doubt John Daly is off somewhere laughing his fat ass off as he is now no longer the punching bag of the PGA. Even Letterman made out because he only slept with 3 or 4 interns.

The question I keep hearing is, “Why would he cheat?” This is a complicated question but, if I had to guess, I would say it’s because he has a di**. That’s right…Tiger cheated because his penis encouraged him to do so. Clearly, his wife was not meeting his sexual needs so he had to find an outlet somewhere else. The fact that these outlets were the Waffle House, Taco Bell, and 7-11 just makes it that much sadder.

If Mrs. Woods wouldn’t have been so frigid, this would never have happened. I know what you are thinking, “TL, how can you possibly blame the wife?” Simple. When a man has his needs met at home, he doesn’t need to stray. Tiger’s wife is attractive so this isn’t about looks…it’s about results.

When your man wants to Donkey Punch you and you say no, what the hell is he supposed to do? When he needs a Sugary Pirate and his wife says “no”, should he just suffer? Look, if Tiger went and found a mud shark to get busy with, I could understand the outrage. However, these women are semi-attractive pillars of the local fast food community that were just looking for some love. Tiger gave it to them…hard.

Sadly, this story reeks of racism. When a white guy cheats on his wife, like Bill Clinton did, it is quickly forgiven. When OJ allegedly slices someone up, everyone has a fit because he is a black man. Same with Tiger…and Tiger is not even black! He is racially classified as “Obama” or “blasian”.

In support of Tiger, I am going to go out and buy a Buick. Actually, since I can’t actually afford a Buick, I will perform a “Buick maneuver” instead. At least my heart is in the right place. Is yours?

And, no, not even Tiger would do Tina Yothers (photo below):


36 Responses to Tiger Woods Has Banged 2,637 Women

  1. frigginloon says:

    Give Tiger a few weeks he’ll do Yothers and Carrot Top…mark my words!

  2. Carrot Top is a beautiful man.

  3. nonnie9999 says:

    2,637 women? what’s the par for each hole?

  4. Wilt Chamberlain has issued this statement:

    “No one touches the Stilt’s scoring records: 100 in a game and 20,000 in a lifetime.”

  5. So Tiger was trying to out fuck Wilt? Nice.. I think, sadly he’s not gonna make it..
    Personally I don’t care what he does and I don’t think we should be getting in his personal business… who cares really? Well, maybe the Mrs.

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Now hold on there, TL. I’m not here to defend Tiger (that glass house shattered decades ago), but would like to defend the frequently maligned Carrot Top. Sheepishly, I have to admit I avoided his show for five years based solely on his appearance. The billboards and photos are hideously shocking/repulsive, but he is actually an attractive man. He looks far, far different close up and in person than he does on TV or in print. His mannerisms and facial expressions are adorable! I would definitely do him (2,673 times).

  7. nursemyra says:

    Tina Yothers looks better as a brunette 😉

  8. I was fine until I saw the pic of Carrot Top, I should have played through.

  9. yorksnbeans says:

    I agree. (did I say that??)

  10. largemouthlittleboobs says:

    ‘Tis true that (most) non-white women keep mum about their trysty-type dalliances, husband-thieving and general shenanigans, yet I suspect this has less to do with discretion and more to do with cultural norms. Yeah, yeah, bring on the hate. Every single black friend of mine would prefer to date a black man, yet they’ve been cheated on so many times that it’s not worth the lip-smackingly good lovin’ and silky-smooth charm. To a woman they agree that white men are a pale (I’m so effin’ clever) substitute for their darker brethren, yet the reduced chance of infidelity outweighs the increased chance of multitudinous mistresses.

    By the by, my milky-white French uncle kept a mistress in Balmain suits and a fancy Paris apartment for 21 years. It should be noted that my aunt punished him daily in ways both big and small following the demise of said affair, yet he was too damned wealthy to dump outright. She should have just swallowed (his vast fortune and left him shivering and euro-less on the streets of Paris). To reinforce my theory about cultural norms, having a mistress is common and (grudgingly) accepted in France.

    And in an effort to inspire more bile, I’ll politely ask women and men to refrain from knowingly poaching the love biscuit of another. Flirting is fine, but why do they need to squash their naughty bits together? Albeit the squashing together of naughty bits is fun, yet when it wreaks so much havoc wouldn’t it have been wiser to keep it in your mind’s eye? And no, I’m not a prude, and yes, I DO swallow.

  11. bschooled says:

    I did have a really good comment, but after reading that largemouthlittleboobs actually swallows, I now feel somewhat inferior.

  12. bschooled says:

    ps. Then again, it’s not like I’d ever deny my man a sugary pirate…

  13. Jimmy says:

    Leave Tina Yothers alone!

    I met her at an Van Nuys Rite-Aid once and she was very cordial. She was also very twitchy and later told me she would perform a Rusty Trombone on me if I gave her $10 for her “medicine.”

    I was more interested in doing a Donkey Punch, so I guess I can understand Tiger Woods’ dilemma.

  14. Squirrel says:

    I can no longer read your posts or comments. If you have a funny story tell me in person. Love you.

  15. Foreigner says:

    Wow,The whole comment section had me browsing urban dictionary every few sentences…Gosh..never mind.

    • tannerleah says:

      Foreigner – I am just going through a phase. Usually, I am at least as funny as Don Rickles. Don’t give up on me just yet.

      And, for what it’s worth, this is mostly bschooled’s fault.

  16. bschooled says:

    Ha! Don’t even try to blame it on me…I’m Canadian, remember?

  17. Moe says:

    We CANNOT stop talking about Tiger yet, because thus far neither Dick Morris nor Rhett Butler has weighed in on the matter.

  18. tannerleah says:

    Didn’t Rhett Butler play centerfield for the Mets?

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