Sparkly Rock Sells For $10.8 Million

Technically, the sparkly rock is referred to as a “vivid pink diamond”. Whatever…a rock is a rock in my world. The fact that it is shiny maybe makes it a slightly better rock. Possibly on par with a Pet Rock but not much more.

I have never understood the inherent value of precious gems and metals. Metals make a little more sense to me because a copper pipe is better than, say, an aluminum pipe. (By the way, if you know a Brit, have them say the word “aluminum”. You will be laughing for hours).

But why would a pink diamond be worth 10+ million? Simply because it is rare? If that’s the case, what am I worth? I am a genuine one of a kind, Jesus made, aged but not old superstar. When I tried to sell myself on Craigslist, I only got a $10 bid. (And that was from my son because he thought daddy was pathetic).

My wife is always going on about wanting more diamonds. I suspect all women have the same demand. Again I ask, “What the hell is the point of wearing a shiny, hugely expensive rock on your finger?” It makes no sense at all. I bought her a huge chunk of coal and taped it to a ring in hopes that this would suffice. Obviously, it did not.

Can’t you women come up with some sort of swapping system for all of your useless jewelry? You get sick of an Amethyst, for instance, send it over to Sally for a couple of weeks. My Oz, if we can swap sexual partners I would certainly think we could handle some rings and earrings. I realize that this is already a standard practice in trailer parks across America but I am not counting cubic zirconium or plastic products.

Don’t get me wrong, I do buy my wife jewelry in spite of my disdain. The last thing I bought was one of those “open heart” diamonds at Zale’s because the sales dude said that if you buy one you get to bang Jane Seymour. I am still waiting for that phone call and am starting to think I may have been duped.

(Still waiting Jane…555-867-5309. Oh wait, you are in England. Pick up the phone, twirl the handle on the right side of the phone box several times until an operator answers. Then ask for pennsylvania 6-5000. That should do the trick).

I have a Christmas wish. (Which I can have because I am totally on the Jesus bandwagon this time of year). Could all of you ladies ask for something practical this year? Like maybe a new grill for the family. Or possibly a new vacuum so you can do your womanly work more efficiently. Definitely request one of those “2 sizes up” bras from Victoria’s Secrets. Wait, disregard that last suggestion. You will only disappoint your man when you take it off.

Well, I am glad we had this chat and I was able to air some non-misogynist laundry that needed to get done. Jewelry swap…think about it!


33 Responses to Sparkly Rock Sells For $10.8 Million

  1. bschooled says:

    I’m glad we had this chat too, TL. Thanks to you, I’ve decided to ask for a power drill this Christmas.

    Oh, and a donkey punch in my stocking.

  2. So, you want me to come up with a practical request? Well, I”d like a fire pit thingie for the outdoors.. And, I’d like a winning lotto ticket. Practical enough?

    AS for jewelry… too emotional a conversation, gasp.

  3. nonnie9999 says:

    how about some kind of electronic device that automatically skips past commercials for anything that is supposed to enhance men’s weewees? why do they always feature men nobody would boink, even with someone else’s vagina?

  4. yorksnbeans says:

    Check this out….

    BTW….I can personally attest to the strange British way of saying a-loo-mi-nee-um.

  5. frigginloon says:

    I know who is going to get a nice big house on her finger this year. Way to go Elin!

  6. I got your number on the wall.

  7. nursemyra says:

    I’d like some new nipple jewellery….

  8. elizabeth3hersh says:

    The geological process behind diamonds is fascinating: around 99.95% pure crystallized carbon and up to three BILLION years old (the Earth is ~4.5 billion years old so this is some really old shit). On a practical level, CZ or moissanite makes more sense. Add diamond merchant (preferably in NYC or Antwerp) to my list of professions if I could live another thousand years. I have no desire to own or sport diamonds, but would relish the cutting, polishing, grading and trading with nothing more than a firm handshake and uttering “mazel und brocha” to trusted colleagues. The tactile pleasure of running the palms of my hands over the diamonds (close your eyes and run your palms sl-o-o-w-ly over them too) would be the ultimate sensory satisfaction.

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      BTW, your jewelry swap idea would be a good one if there wasn’t a real possibility of some ‘permanent’ swapping of lesser expensive stones for the better stones. This is why it is recommended that you observe the entire process if you need your jewelry re-set or otherwise modified. With CZ, who cares and who will know the difference?

    • tannerleah says:

      How can it take 3 billion years is the world has only existed for around 2500? You are really starting to get on Jesus’ nerves.

      Also, stop being so cynical. As long as you trade your stuff with a white person, you will be fine.

      • elizabeth3hersh says:

        I’ll be damned. I knew there was a web site called Bag, Borrow or Steal that allowed you to ‘rent’ amazing (and expensive!) handbags, and apparently, they recently added jewelry too! Really NICE jewelry (Chanel, Vuitton, Ripka…). Perhaps you could lease a nice XMAS gift for Mrs. Tannerleah, swap it back for something new on Valentine’s Day and hope she forgets all about both by St. Pat’s Day.

  9. Bilroni says:

    Fish also like shiny things…. Not that I’m comparing them or anything….

  10. Walter says:

    My wife has received jewelry on two occasions: our engagement, and last Christmas. She had the good financial sense to use our engagement ring as her wedding ring. I’m a pretty lucky guy.

    Did you know that flawless diamonds can be produced now, instead of having to be dug up? Heck, if you have the money, you can have someone’s ashes turned into a gemstone. I’m waiting for the day with the diamond market plummets. I suspect that day may never come, but I can wish.

    • tannerleah says:

      Welcome Walter. You strike me as the kind of guy I wish I could be. Instead, I am soft and weak and cave in to the jewelery demands. Well, not this year! No presents for the wife! Thanks Walter for helping me have what promises to be an awesome Christmas.

  11. Nothing says “ostentatious” like a huge-ass rock on someone’s finger. Sure the advertising is great and helps out those poor people at DeBeers, who need all they can get to continue enforcing their artificial scarcity.

    But what does it say to the average Joe? I think it says that given the opportunity (the rock itself provides the motive), the lucky lady would be at the receiving end of an amateur ‘jacking.

    Here’s some advice on how to do this whole, classy jewel thief thing right:

    “Sing” along now:
    It’s the perfect timing
    You see the mad signing
    Get up off those goddamn diamonds…

  12. Call 867-5309 and ask for Jen.

    • tannerleah says:

      I took your advice and called. Sadly, I invited “Jim” to my house instead of “Jen”. It was awkward when I opened the door wearing nothing but a bottle of champaign, furry slippers, and a red bow wrapped around my johnson.

      Still, in spite of the confusion, Jim and I had a pretty good time.

  13. gungadid says:

    Diamond rings are sparkly and pretty.

    Getting one’s finger chopped off at the knuckle by neighbourhood crackheads hoping to pawn said diamond ring for a brief brain roast is less sparkly and pretty.

    Having said that, buy me an appliance for Christmas and I’ll be roasting me some pink “chestnuts” over a very open fire.

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