8 Things I Learned This Holiday Weekend

1 – There were not nearly as many black people out on Black Friday as I thought there would be. In fact, it looked like a Sarah Palin convention. As an occasional black man, I was pretty uncomfortable with all of the whiteys around me.

2 – There is no way that Tiger Woods is any more than, say, 10 percent black. He let his skinny, white wife beat the crap out of him. OJ would have never let that happen. A true brother knows how to keep his woman in check. Turn in your NAACP card, Tiger.

3 – Barry Obama needs to put the crack pipe down. If you really think that 30,000 more troops is going to end a holy war, you are just like Dubya except you dress better and can pronounce nuclear. You are supposed to be bringing troops home, not sending more to be killed.   

4 – People still seem kind of worked up about Adam Lambert kissing another dude. This is what talentless people do…they try to shock you into paying attention. He is just pursuing the Madonna game plan. A real rock star, like Jim Morrison, would have whipped his thing out and started slapping the people in the first row in the head with it.

5 – Jesus has been located again. This time on the hot side of an iron. Jesus is continuously showing up in stupid places. On a Dorito, cheese sandwich, on a window, and the list goes on and on. Jesus is one seriously bored dude.

6 – I just finished watching “The Trials of Ted Haggard”. It shows the hardships he and his family have endured since being thrown out of his church. It makes you almost feel sorry for him…almost. Once again, religion turns on one of its own. Of course, only after he made the church popular and incredibly wealthy. Maybe Ted and Jim Bakker can hook up. (Jim learned quite a few tricks in prison). Sure, they can’t do a Brazilian Poon Pouch but there are plenty of other moves.

7 – Lou Dobbs is considering running for POTUS. He is confident that birthers and Mexican haters can give him the votes he needs. Good luck with that, Lou. Maybe you can get Larry King to run with you on the “All Dentures” ticket.

8 – Bob Dylan is still the shizzle. Here is a new Christmas tune from The Master.

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29 Responses to 8 Things I Learned This Holiday Weekend

  1. nonnie9999 says:

    hope you enjoyed your thanksgiving while you were learning all that stuff.

    i think that’s the first time i actually saw bob dylan move. when did he get his hair straightened? and why was his rabbi playing the accordion for a xmas song?

    p.s. i don’t think that’s jesus on the iron. it looks more like diana ross. ooh! would that make it a supreme iron-y?

    • tannerleah says:

      I also hope you had a fine Thanksgiving. Bob is the shizzle…in spite of what Bearman thinks.

      I thought the iron looked like an ugly chick but I like your version better.

  2. That’s a lot of information, TL. Information that I shall soon get fired for making public by dropping it into the company newsletter.

    Gotta love Jim Morrison. He was cock-fighting before cock-fighting was cool.

  3. nursemyra says:

    Jim could turkeyslap my forehead any day (if he were still alive)

    And that ain’t Jesus on the iron, it’s the anti-christ

  4. Its the Zig Zag man on the iron, not Jesus.

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’m seeing a melding of Thomas Jefferson and Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” on the backside of that iron. Could even be George Washington or a British barrister, but definitely a man wearing some wiggy thing and doing the Scream. There are also eighteen steam holes in the iron. I think nursemyra may be on to something. 6+6+6=18!! 666…get it??

    If I am going to get schlongslapped, it damn well better be by Glambert. Don’t know how that would work out since I would be competing with the likes of Ted Haggard in the audience. Perhaps he (Lambert) could adopt the air of Pope John Paul II holding his papal cross and simply anoint our heads with a tap of his Holiness while waving his pot-laden thurible with his other hand. Talentless?!? You are mocking my new main man, TL. Dylan is good, but Lambert is good too, plus he throws in a little theater and SIZZLES in his bar mitzvah suit. If only Liberace were alive to see it!!!

  6. delicate flower says:

    Schlongslapped… Clearly the word of the year.. an entry for the OED.

    As for the things you learned! Wow.. Not sure which one to glom on to… I for one hide out on Black Friday so wasn’t doing a racial count. But now I’m wondering about Cyber Monday? Alien invasion?

    Also, please continue to do the newswatch on Tiger and whitie.. I want the smut!

  7. Donald Mills says:

    The thing I like about “Iron Jesus” (as opposed to “Pancake Jesus” or “Dorito Jesus”) is that when he gets really mad steam comes out of his ears.

    Plus, “Iron Jesus” has a very hep sound to it.

  8. yorksnbeans says:

    The only thing I have to say is “comment”. I thought something short and sweet would let you know I’m still your #1 fan! 🙂

  9. CatGod says:

    Great post TL… I know what you mean about Whitey/Honkey/the Man/non-jumpers. They make me nervous when they crowd around me too, even though I’m one of them… They still make me nervous…

    about Schlongsslapped… I wish that I had never seen that word… Now it’s in my mind, along with Gay Adam… Zeeesh! Make it go away… make it go away…

  10. frigginloon says:

    If there really was a god, he would have done the friggin ironing! Or maybe it’s the closest he’ll ever get his face to a woman’s undies?
    I think Bob Dylan got conned by his grandkids!
    Now we know Tiger is half black and half Asian, screwing behind his wife’s back proves he’s black, can’t friggin drive proves he’s Asian!

  11. im in Minnesota, and it seems like i am the only sort of black person here. also it is cold as god only knows what here..don’t know how normal people live here…i don’t see the incentive…of course since i decided to vacation in Minnesota i should possibly hand in my NAACP card too…

  12. The iron image is Mona Lisa.

    Was that really Dylan. So he is Christian again? I noticed he was dancing the hora in one scene so is he Jewish again?

    Anyway, if indeed that was Dylan, I can finally say I heard a Dylan song that I liked.

  13. bschooled says:

    If Ted and Jim can’t do a Brazilian Poon Pouch,TL, why would they even bother?

    Oh, the things I learn from you…

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