I was finally able to meet my dream woman yesterday, in person. I won’t lie, I was a little nervous to be meeting a true icon face to face. However, soon after meeting Sarah, I was immediately put at ease and relaxed. Here is the transcript of our conversation.
SP: Hi there? How ya doin’?
TL: Good. Did you really call Trigger a retard?
SP: (Looking slightly bewildered) Of course not. Levi is just making those things up.
TL: Oh…ok. In the Newsweek photo where you have running shorts on, you seem to be wearing panty hose. What’s that all about?
SP: (Still looking perplexed) Well, it was more of a glamour shot than an actual, ya know, reality photo.
TL: Who is keeping an eye on Russia while you are on your tour?
SP: (Grits her teeth a little) That’s kind of an old joke. Who do you want the book made out to?
TL: When you and Todd get it on, do you wear your stiletto’s? Specifically, the red shiny ones?
SP: (Little beads of sweat forming on her brow) That is really not an appropriate question. (Looking around for security).
TL: I’m sorry. It’s just that they look so good on you I figured you probably wore them in the sack. Does Todd go backdoor on you?
SP: (Turning a pretty shade of crimson) You, sir, are being rude and belligerent. Please move along before I have you removed.
TL: When you have a baby at your age, I bet your lady parts don’t bounce back into shape very quickly. That’s why I asked about the back door. Do you spit or swallow?
SP: (Stands up looking kind of pissed off) Security! Remove this man immediately!
TL: Have you ever done a Rainbow Kiss or Dirty Sanchez? Did McCain ever whip his thingy out in front of you?
At this point, two security guys start dragging me away.
TL: Wait! Sarah, you didn’t sign my book yet!
SP: (Hands my book, unsigned, to another security guy).
TL: Just so you know, I rubbed one off in the men’s room and smeared my man goop all over the book you just touched! You are holding my seed!
SP: (Looks down at her hands and starts to gag. Looks feverishly for a container to throw up in).
TL: Seriously! I rubbed like a quart of love juice on that bad boy!
SP: (Violently projectile vomits all over the table and on the shoes of the next person in line. Looks kind of like she might pass out).
TL: I love you!!! Todd is a douche monkey!
And that was it. I was pushed out of the back door of the store and told that if I come anywhere near Sarah again, I will be arrested.
Ok, so maybe our first date didn’t go exactly as planned. Still, I think you can tell from the conversation, we connected on a very intimate level. I am off now to the next book signing. I know Sarah will be thrilled to see me again. You betcha!!!
Here’s a pic of the crowd. Good people.