Happy Veterans Day! (Except For The Gays)

I wouldn’t want to get our gay servicemen and women in trouble by acknowledging them. They need to stay in the closet where Jesus and Uncle Sam put them. Remember…“don’t ask, don’t tell”.

It used to be “don’t show, don’t tell” because the gay men have a tendency to be showing their junk off all of the time and the lesbians were relentlessly flashing themselves. However, once that problem was eradicated, they went to the new phrase.

It is reported that about 13,000 gays have been kicked out of the military for, I assume, either asking or telling. I don’t know what they asked but it must have been bad to get booted. Maybe they said something like, “Do you want tossed salad with your meatloaf?” You know; something really offensive.

In an interesting development, the Mormon Church has beaten the US Government in accepting gays. They are supporting legislation in Utah that says that gays are essentially equal to non-gays and are entitled to similar protections. Of course, it goes without saying that this does not include marriage. They haven’t completely lost their minds.

So, the military remains one of the last true bastions for us hetero men. When I served some years ago, I could be confident that the other guys with me in the shower were just as manly as me. When we sang songs from A Chorus Line and soaped each others backs, it was in a really macho way. No queers here, thank you very much.

It is nice to know that there are still no gays in the military. How could we tolerate guys running around saying, “Want to polish my gun?” all day long? Or women wearing flannel instead of their required uniforms? Do you really want Clay Aiken leading the troops? I imagine his speech would not be quite Patton-esque.

 “When we land against the enemy, don’t forget to hit him and hit him hard. Of course, I don’t literally mean “hit him”. Use your words. Say mean things about the way their uniform fits or the way the colors clash. I know it will come across as bitchy but war is hell. When they try to surrender, don’t let them. Tell them that you have way too hectic of a schedule to take on visitors. Plus, where would we put them? I can barely fit all of my costumes uniforms in my tent as it is. I have a lot more stuff to say but these boots are absolutely killing me. Toodles!”

Thanks to all of our veterans for all you have done and will continue to do. We are proud of you…all of you.

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57 Responses to Happy Veterans Day! (Except For The Gays)

  1. Tony says:

    Ha Ha this is hilarious, thanks for making me laugh. Toodles…

  2. bschooled says:

    Ha! Nice work, TL.

    But tell me…which Chorus Line tunes did you enjoy singing best? I mean, were you a “A Tap Combination” kind of guy, or more of a “What I Did For Love” type?

  3. art vandelay says:

    With Obama getting ready to send 40,000 more troops overseas we best not be picky. Anyone who is willing to risk their life for my freedom I will be forever grateful to. I have many gay friends but will never be able to support them in marriage, and luckily they respect my stance on the issue. TRIPLE love my gay friends!

    • tannerleah says:

      Totally agree. We need to uphold the sanctity of a man and woman marrying. (I am still pissed that women can vote and coloreds can drink from any fountain).

      As for your gay friends, will they be allowed to go to Heaven without first repenting or disavowing their gay lifestyle? Just curious…

  4. yorksnbeans says:

    I pretty much ditto Art. Anyone who is willing to put their life on the line for us Americans is fine in my book.

  5. But if you are a gay jihadist, they won’t kick you out.

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    My (gay) best friend, Jim, once told me that he would rather do another tour of ‘Nam than go through nursing school again. Hard to believe that there are worse things than combat duty, but having been through nursing school, I concur. People like Jim deserve two holidays. I can’t think of a finer soldier (on both fronts).

  7. in the words of Chris Rock, if the gays wanna join the military, let them..because i aint fighting. let them go die for a country that won’t even give them the right to like get married, and wear white after labor day, and umm..what else aren’t gays allowed to do..i mean i should really be up on these kinds of things because i’m kinda gay you know..only the cool kind of gay, the like star wars laser toting kind of gay…shh…don’t tell anyone i tote laser…i always wear depends, WHAT? ive got a weak bladder…

  8. nonnie9999 says:

    dare i ask which chorus line songs you sang in the shower, tannerleah? was it I Hope I Get it? not that there’s anything wrong with that. 😉

  9. A Chorus Line? What about all those Village People songs?

  10. art vandelay says:

    I can’t tell you if they will go to heaven or not–that is God’s call. I can tell you that homosexuality is a sin and like any other sin, yes, you need to repent. In God’s eyes it’s no different than any other sin..a sin is a sin is a sin. The key to going to heaven is not about not sinning or your good works–it’s about believing Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins and that HE is the only way to eternal life. Sorta makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it??

    • tannerleah says:

      So, you can do pretty much anything but as long as you believe, you get a golden ticket to Heaven? How does that make sense? How does a rapist or pedophile that repents get to occupy the same space as someone who lives a pious and faithful life? I don’t get it.

      And, just to be clear, Sarah P makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

  11. art vandelay says:

    That’s the marval of God’s grace…of course we don’t get it–we have human minds and cannot comprehend that kind of forgiveness..nor could we comprehend putting our only son up on a cross to die a horrible death. Why do you think He is so worthy of bowing down to? You must be TRULY remorseful for ANY sin you commit–NONE are too big–only God knows your heart and if you are truly sorry for your actions. Believe me, I’ve committed some BIG ones and I’m so grateful even a “wretch like me” is worthy of His “Amazing Grace”. (sing along).

    Sarah Palin is coming to the Fort next week for a book signing–SO going–she makes me warm and fuzzy inside, too. I believe she will be in Indy next week, too–you going?

    • tannerleah says:

      You misspelled God. I think it is A-L-L-A-H. I think it is the silent H that messes people up.

      I would like to see Sarah but, according to the FBI agent I spoke with, if I throw my junk on the table to impress her, I might be arrested. Not sure it’s worth the risk.

  12. Squirrel says:

    Last full paragraph is my favorite :]

  13. Love and appreciate the sarcasm 🙂 I agree. Happy Veterans Day to all our veterans.

  14. yvonne says:

    you americans are so hypocrite
    leave the gays alone
    let them live their own life and love eachother on their own way
    why are heteros so fascinated about the sexlife of a gay man
    heteros take each other also from behind
    you creapy hypocrites

    • tannerleah says:

      Welcome, yvonne. I have been taken from behind but it was in prison so I don’t think it really counts.

      To be fair, we Americans used to hate black people but when Obama was elected, it became uncool. All that was left to pick on were dwarves, clowns, Eskimos, and gays. I voted to ridicule Eskimos but was outvoted.

  15. art vandelay says:

    ummm, no, allah encourages dying as a martyr to get into “paradise”. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all worshipped THAT kind of god?

  16. art vandelay says:

    No I’m talking about killing innocent people because they don’t believe in your god…hardly the same thing.

    You’ve talked about wanting to lose some weight, why don’t you start by getting rid of that gigantic chip on your shoulder.

  17. art vandelay says:

    Oh TL you make my heart heavy at times….helluva day but the grey goose is helping.

  18. TL, great post that handled the military issue with all the grace and aplomb of your favorite adopted uncle who insists on announcing every successful erection and throwing their junk on the table whenever Sarah P. edges within restraning order distance.

    However, I must take a little time out to trot out my hypocritical, man-loving straight ass and clear the air on the “gay” thing.

    I may seem creepy because of my hypocrisy, but I can assure you of one thing: I have spelled “creepy” correctly.

    Now, as a lifetime member (heh) of the straight community, let me be the first to hypocritcally assure everyone that our (and I’m speaking for everybody, especially TL) fascination with the gay lifestyle is this: who fucking cares?

    Whatever kind of sex two (or more) consenting adults want to have for the next 20 minutes or as a condescendingly-named “lifestyle choice” is their business.

    If they want to marry each other and put themselves right into a merger with a 50% failure rate, let them. If they want to pay taxes under the “Married, but withhold at the higher ‘Gay’ rate,” so be it.

    Yvonne, while I can appreciate the minimal effort you made to cross multiple borders through the power of the Internet and a Google search for “creapy American gay hypocrites,” if all you’re planning on doing is telling Americans that we’re close-minded and stupid: get in fucking line.

    When we’re not busy telling each other how stupid we are under the guise of religion, politics, race relations or the public school system, we have every single other nation out there willing to tell us how they have their human rights shit all locked up, if only we’d ignore the race riots, centuries of class warfare and old-school insular policies.

    And Art, really: if you tell your gay friends you can’t support them on the marriage issue, then you’re really not speaking for God, or even with him. You’re just voicing your own opinion and hoping that your particular religion will have your back when this all gets sorted out.

    But as the Bible is supposedly God’s words as translated by man, I gotta believe there’s more than a few errors in it. Plus, and this question gets pretty old, where exactly does it say “Don’t be gay?”

    Here’s what I find:
    http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%206:8-10&version=NIV

    “8Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.

    9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
    I Corinthians 6:8-10 (NIV)

    I added the emphasis. This is from the NIV translation. But let’s turn back the clock (on the same site) and check the King James Version:

    8Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren.

    9Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

    10Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

    Really not the same wording, is it? Kind of a stretch to find “effeminate” to mean gay? And how accurate would that word be anyway? Don’t mince? Try to fix that lisp? Stop installing track lighting? Drop that exfoliating body scrub?

    And “abusers of themselves with mankind” looks like another catch-all for anything from bestiality to child molestation to suicide to emo-brand cutting. It seems to indicate abusing your own body rather than Adam and Steve lip-locking and going at it.

    Please don’t bring up Sodom and Gomorrah. At a key point, the protagonist offers to let the horny townsfolk bang his virgin daughters rather than his two guests, with whom he’d had a solid relationship of five minutes or so. If that’s where we’re pulling morality from, we’re all fucked. (Not to mention our daughters.)

  19. elizabeth3hersh says:

    …and, I’ve heard that homosexuality has been documented in over 450 vertebrate species. I would love to know how Pastor Bob explains that. Brilliant analysis, Capitalist!!

  20. art vandelay says:

    Homosexuality is a sin. Period.

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      As my kids would say: “UR DUMB!!!!!!”

    • So… I had a researched and thought-out argument and you brought five words and two periods to your rebuttal, which reads much like most of my parents’ rationale: “Because I said so.”

      Well, I guess that sort of ends that, doesn’t it? You have no interest in explaining why you believe that or are we just supposed to “take it on faith” like you are?

      It’s nice to see that your triple-loved gay friends are still so amiable about your firm beliefs that they should have the right to get killed for their country, but not get married in it or go to your heaven.

      I’d say “I await your reply,” but I’m thinking the next rebuttal may only contain the punctuation: “…”

  21. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’m reminded of a scene in Joel and Ethan Coen’s latest movie “A Serious Man.” A 1967 suburban Jewish family has a NRA-loving xenophobic neighbor who pulls up in his driveway with a huge bleeding stag strapped to the top of his station wagon. The camouflage attired father and son team climb out of the car and warily eye their ‘strange’ erudite neighbor in his tweed blazer. There is an apparent cultural divide between the hunter and the physics professor. Another scene shows him again pulling up in his driveway, but this time his Jewish neighbor is conversing with the South Korean father of one of his physics students. The xenophobe squints his eyes into narrow slits and carefully surveys the South Korean visitor while walking up and down his driveway in an agitated manner. He asks his Jewish neighbor if he is “all right” and if he needs any “help.” The point of the scene is to show that the Asian is even more strange and foreign than the Jew. NRA man will never occupy Professor Gopnik’s world. NRA man would also agree with Art, but more along the lines of “homosexuality is a goddamn sin” as he punctuates the air with the butt of his rifle. Exclamation mark.

  22. art vandelay says:

    It’s pretty basic if you just take a look at the human anatomy—God made MAN with a penis and WOMAN with a vagina–do you think it’s just coinicidence they fit perfectly together? And the only way to reproduce is with a MAN and a WOMAN? (I know, Liz, science can do that job, too–probably WAY better than God!) It’s so obvious that is the way it’s supposed to be–just like so many things around you. You will never be able to see it if you refuse to look at it, and the more you resist it I believe the harder your heart gets. I never said my gay friends will not go to heaven–that is God’s call. I said they are sinning—just like I sin every day. I don’t view homosexuality as any different than lying, cheating, adultery or even murder. They are all the same in God’s eyes. Athiests are always so angry and judgmental and quite frankly I’m a little tired of the insults. It’s not my job to make you believe however it’s my job as a Christian to explain God’s word correctly.

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      It’s 5:28 am and I’m still up so I have to make this succinct. The way I see it, if you look at human anatomy, the penis also fits PERFECTLY in a rectum, a mouth, a hand and PVC/silicone artificial vaginas (G-d was clever and magnanimous to give us so many possibilities). With a world population nearing 7 BILLION, I don’t think procreation is much of a concern. As to anger issues, those are all directed at daily annoyances such as my DVR freezing up, lines at the post office and stupidity (and my heart is definitely not hard as I adhere strictly to a Mediterranean diet and eschew all saturated fats).

  23. art vandelay says:

    So tell me again, why do you profess to be Jewish? I’m pretty sure it goes against their faith, too.
    Why stop at intercourse with the same sex–why not screw your brother or sister–look how good that turned out for the cats at the Hemingway House.

    As my kids would say, UR dumb!

  24. elizabeth3hersh says:

    “Faith” in what/whom? We are here due to quantum fluctuation or as M.I.T. professor Alan Guth puts it “the ultimate free lunch.” As the Universe unfolds (and computes) it has apparently provided for and allowed homosexuality in all vertebrate species. To understand this, you will need to step into the world of Professor Gopnik and Charles Darwin. Capitalist went to a lot of time and trouble to craft a well written response to your drivel. And what do we get in return? More drivel (and an unimaginative retort in an elementary school tone).

    Jews (most) seem to have no difficulty reconciling their ‘faith’ with the inner workings of the world. It is always a different story with the fundamentalists. A year or so ago I watched the powerful documentary “Trembling Before G-d” which examined the relationship of gay orthodox Jews and how they try to reconcile their orientation with orthodox Judaism. Have you at least seen the movie “Milk?”

    Like CLT, I don’t consider myself an activist. But, in keeping with my curiosity with the world (and I genuinely love gays) I have visited their world and understand where they are coming from. Your purported gay friends? They are not really your friends Art.

  25. art vandelay says:

    how do you know how my friends feel, Liz? Apparently you are the all-knowing. Again, who is judging?

  26. art vandelay says:

    you.are all-knowing, Liz. Thank you for telling me who my real friends are

  27. art vandelay says:

    oops! wrote the same thing twice. call yourself an athiest…not jewish..thank u!

  28. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Is that your rebuttal, Art? I’m going to stand pat in my belief that your gay ‘friends’ are not your real friends if they truly know how you feel about the ‘sinful’ nature of their so called lifestyle ‘choice.’ Even if you “hate the sin, love the sinner” it still smarts and reeks of corrosive ideology.

  29. elizabeth3hersh says:

    You might find this article illuminating Art as it explains that there is no contradiction in the term “Jewish atheism.”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_atheism

    and this link to a LONG list of Jewish atheists:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Jewish_atheists

  30. art vandelay says:

    reading glenn beck’s “arguing with idiots” right now….bringing me tremendous comfort in these situations. At least you wonT have all the stress of the holidays in december like the majority of us….a brief positive note in the life of an athiest.

  31. elizabeth3hersh says:

    We found common ground! I love Glenn Beck!! He’s personable, passionate, funny as hell and on my party “A” list. If his book was lying around I would pick it up and read it (atheists can be ecumenical) and probably agree with him on many points. I also read a lot of other viewpoints. The point is, there are a lot of viewpoints and it’s important to listen and integrate all sides. Most everyone has a little good in them and something of value to share (even atheists!!).

    And I do stress over the holidays (the after Christmas sales)!

  32. tannerleah says:

    I am sorry I was unavailable to interact in this conversation although I would have to say that CLT more than adequately did the job. In fact, I should hire him to be my “response guy” because he is the best out there. Rational, reasonable, well thought out, and always able to insert a few F bombs to keep the sleepy reader awake.

    The irony to me in the Liz / Art conversation is that they could easily be the same person outside of ONE sticking point. Instead of respecting the other’s opinion, and leaving it at that, they are on an eternal quest to convince others (and probably themselves) that they are correct.

    Of course, you are both wrong because you listen to that douche monkey, Glenn Beck.

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