Crazy Astronaut Lady Gets Probation

Do you remember the crazy female astronaut that drove 1000 miles in a diaper to accost her romantic rival? She was packing all kinds of tools and stuff that you would find on pretty much any serial killer worth their money. In fact, she even was wearing a nifty disguise so she could sneak up on her mark. Remember her…Lisa Nowak? Here’s her pic.

Astronaut Arrested

Well, she was just sentenced to two days in jail and one year’s probation in exchange for pleading guilty. Now, before you think she got off too easily, she has also been ordered to write her victim a letter of apology. And not just any letter of apology. The judge says it has to be “a sincere letter of apology, not one of these vanilla things that I see from other defendants.” I don’t know about you, but if someone was trying to kill me I would definitely want to get a letter from them. In fact, maybe we could even become pen pals.

Judge Marc Lubet, obviously a refugee from France, came up with this stupid punishment. What the hell kind of sentence is two days? How can you even come up with such a ridiculous number? Why not 6 hours and 37 minutes of hard labor? Did it hurt when you pulled that number out of your ass, judge? It doesn’t matter anyway because they gave her time served on the 2 days so she doesn’t actually have to clear her schedule to make it happen. She is also supposed to take 8 hours of anger management classes but since she has been in “therapy” for 1.5 years, the judge waived that order as well.

Can we revisit the a couple of details because clearly the judge and I read different versions of the story. First, who drives 1000 miles to “just talk” to someone? I could go maybe 50 miles but that’s about it. And I am fairly confident that although I might have a weak bladder, I still wouldn’t be wearing a diaper. (And no, I am not at all admitting to having a weak bladder).

Beyond that, I doubt I would have a disguise and a bag full of questionable items. Such as a mallet, duct tape, pepper spray, bb gun, knife, rubber tubing, and other items that just scream, “I’m fixin’ to rock your world!” There were also allegations that she had a gun, nun chucks, death stars, a book on Jujitsu, Peppermint Patties, a dwarf, and several packets of pop rocks that could have been used in a most devious manner. However, this could not be confirmed. In spite of all of the this, Judge Ito Lubet seemingly found nothing terribly disconcerting. Mmm…ok.

Nowak is, not surprisingly, also not supposed to go near her victim or the paramour that both were pursuing at the time. Hopefully, this means she can spend some more quality time with her husband and 3 children who she deserted when she ran off to find “Mr. Right Stuff”. The rumors that she has been chosen to endorse Depends adult diapers is said to be false. However, Brinks Home Security has asked her to guest star in their next stalker commercial. I hope she gets the job. I love stories with a happy ending.

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20 Responses to Crazy Astronaut Lady Gets Probation

  1. As always, TL, a spendid read, full of diapers, torture and sincere apology letters.

    What the hell is it with law enforcement and the judicial system these days? Someone who admits to being a diaper-clad stalker with instruments of “dubious” use gets 2 days and an essay assignment, and Joe Potsmoker gets 25 years for a dime bag full of shake?

    The judge should have sentenced her to spend two days in nothing but a diaper at the nearest major intersection, with a follow-up sentence of infinity hours of community service which would entail her being locked in a padded cell writing “I will not be a diaper-clad stalker” over and over again on a blackboard spanning 24′ x 30′, using only cheap-ass chalk duct-taped to her elbows.

    This would send a clear message to the next batch of fuckedupness to transport a loaded diaper across state lines.

  2. bschooled says:

    It’s ok to admit it, TL…if it makes you feel any better, I myself have a weak bladder. But only when I “get my drink on”.

    Overshare? Perhaps.

    I guess only time will tell.

    ps. Do you happen to know where she got the dwarf?

    • tannerleah says:

      But I don’t have a weak bladder! I may dribble from time to time but that’s not the same thing.

      No clue on the dwarf. I think they are made by the Keebler company somewhere in a forest but that might just be a rumor.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    As usual TL, you have displayed more common sense and concern for public safety than No-whack’s judge. It does smack of haughty French justice and their ‘vivre et laisser vivre’ mindset. I think she should ditch the Depends endorsement and hawk Detrol LA instead. I also love it when judges clearly put the best interest of defendants children first (and I bet her children’s creative punishments are quite memorable and equally effective). I’m also betting this judge was appointed and not elected.

    • tannerleah says:

      “vivre…vivre” mindset? What does that mean? Stink and let stink? Cower in shame and let cower in shame”? I need an explanation.

      By the way, even thought the French suck, they have an awesome national anthem.

  4. Mike Licht says:

    It’s Not Captain Nowak’s fault. Blame NASA’s equipment.

    See:

    http://notionscapital.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/astronaut-sex-scandalguilty/

    • tannerleah says:

      Welcome Mike. Great minds and all of that.

      I really like how you add all of the pertinent links to the story. Much more informative. I would do the same but my constant party in my pants prevents me from focusing on any one subject for too long.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  5. wtf? lately your stories have been leaving me at a lost for words, and that rarely happens. but hey, my foster brother nearly beat a man to death, not half to death, because he would be half dead, that statement never made sense to me, he beat him nearly to death, with a skillet, and not just your regular frying pan, it was a skillet, you know one of those black iron ones that you have to use both hands to move or else your in for some serious carpel tunnel, or at least a fractured wrist, yeah he beat a guy with that, and not only did he beat him with it, but it was the guys skillet from his kitchen, and he dragged him out to the middle of the street so everyone could see that skillet whooping. he made it a public thing..and that was like 10 years ago and he is still in jail for that, but he didn’t intend on doing that when he went in the guys house, and he didn’t drive 1000 miles to do it, and he didn’t take any weapons he worked with what he had, and still he has been in jail…the judicial system makes no sense to me..we were expecting he get like a slap on the wrist, i mean this crazy lady is walking around free, why not free my foster brother…i mean it wasn’t like he went there with the intentions of beating the man nearly to death…it wasn’t planed like this lad planned it…i’m just saying some things aren’t fair..maybe if my brother had gotten this judge he would of only had to serve 3 days and 8 hours in jail, and had to you know change the guys pee bag a few times, did i mention the guy had brain damage and had to pee through a bag….i think that would of been punishment enough…

  6. nursemyra says:

    I always travel with death stars and a dwarf

  7. yorksnbeans says:

    Knowing you are keeping up with the injustices in today’s world allows me to sleep well at night. Thanks TL.

  8. Flush Garden says:

    The Captain “Now-Whacked” case is a classic example of self-anointed priests of political correctness hijacking the law enforcement and judicial systems with impunity. Imagine if this hormone-poisoned monster were a “male” instead of a “female?” If so, the deranged dickhead would ***still*** be in a maximum security lockup and probably facing years of incarceration. According to the preposterous precepts of PC, some people are “more” equal than others.

    • tannerleah says:

      Welcome, Flush. I had not thought about it but you are absolutely correct. No way a guy would walk away from the same charges. Maybe it’s because she looks hot in a diaper?

  9. New Girl says:

    I love it when you allude to the fact that OJ’s guilty…

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