Do you remember the crazy female astronaut that drove 1000 miles in a diaper to accost her romantic rival? She was packing all kinds of tools and stuff that you would find on pretty much any serial killer worth their money. In fact, she even was wearing a nifty disguise so she could sneak up on her mark. Remember her…Lisa Nowak? Here’s her pic.
Well, she was just sentenced to two days in jail and one year’s probation in exchange for pleading guilty. Now, before you think she got off too easily, she has also been ordered to write her victim a letter of apology. And not just any letter of apology. The judge says it has to be “a sincere letter of apology, not one of these vanilla things that I see from other defendants.” I don’t know about you, but if someone was trying to kill me I would definitely want to get a letter from them. In fact, maybe we could even become pen pals.
Judge Marc Lubet, obviously a refugee from France, came up with this stupid punishment. What the hell kind of sentence is two days? How can you even come up with such a ridiculous number? Why not 6 hours and 37 minutes of hard labor? Did it hurt when you pulled that number out of your ass, judge? It doesn’t matter anyway because they gave her time served on the 2 days so she doesn’t actually have to clear her schedule to make it happen. She is also supposed to take 8 hours of anger management classes but since she has been in “therapy” for 1.5 years, the judge waived that order as well.
Can we revisit the a couple of details because clearly the judge and I read different versions of the story. First, who drives 1000 miles to “just talk” to someone? I could go maybe 50 miles but that’s about it. And I am fairly confident that although I might have a weak bladder, I still wouldn’t be wearing a diaper. (And no, I am not at all admitting to having a weak bladder).
Beyond that, I doubt I would have a disguise and a bag full of questionable items. Such as a mallet, duct tape, pepper spray, bb gun, knife, rubber tubing, and other items that just scream, “I’m fixin’ to rock your world!” There were also allegations that she had a gun, nun chucks, death stars, a book on Jujitsu, Peppermint Patties, a dwarf, and several packets of pop rocks that could have been used in a most devious manner. However, this could not be confirmed. In spite of all of the this, Judge Ito Lubet seemingly found nothing terribly disconcerting. Mmm…ok.
Nowak is, not surprisingly, also not supposed to go near her victim or the paramour that both were pursuing at the time. Hopefully, this means she can spend some more quality time with her husband and 3 children who she deserted when she ran off to find “Mr. Right Stuff”. The rumors that she has been chosen to endorse Depends adult diapers is said to be false. However, Brinks Home Security has asked her to guest star in their next stalker commercial. I hope she gets the job. I love stories with a happy ending.