8 Things I Learned This Holiday Weekend

November 28, 2009

1 – There were not nearly as many black people out on Black Friday as I thought there would be. In fact, it looked like a Sarah Palin convention. As an occasional black man, I was pretty uncomfortable with all of the whiteys around me.

2 – There is no way that Tiger Woods is any more than, say, 10 percent black. He let his skinny, white wife beat the crap out of him. OJ would have never let that happen. A true brother knows how to keep his woman in check. Turn in your NAACP card, Tiger.

3 – Barry Obama needs to put the crack pipe down. If you really think that 30,000 more troops is going to end a holy war, you are just like Dubya except you dress better and can pronounce nuclear. You are supposed to be bringing troops home, not sending more to be killed.   

4 – People still seem kind of worked up about Adam Lambert kissing another dude. This is what talentless people do…they try to shock you into paying attention. He is just pursuing the Madonna game plan. A real rock star, like Jim Morrison, would have whipped his thing out and started slapping the people in the first row in the head with it.

5 – Jesus has been located again. This time on the hot side of an iron. Jesus is continuously showing up in stupid places. On a Dorito, cheese sandwich, on a window, and the list goes on and on. Jesus is one seriously bored dude.

6 – I just finished watching “The Trials of Ted Haggard”. It shows the hardships he and his family have endured since being thrown out of his church. It makes you almost feel sorry for him…almost. Once again, religion turns on one of its own. Of course, only after he made the church popular and incredibly wealthy. Maybe Ted and Jim Bakker can hook up. (Jim learned quite a few tricks in prison). Sure, they can’t do a Brazilian Poon Pouch but there are plenty of other moves.

7 – Lou Dobbs is considering running for POTUS. He is confident that birthers and Mexican haters can give him the votes he needs. Good luck with that, Lou. Maybe you can get Larry King to run with you on the “All Dentures” ticket.

8 – Bob Dylan is still the shizzle. Here is a new Christmas tune from The Master.

Need $50k? Flip Off A Cop In Pittsburgh

November 24, 2009

David Hackbart is about to walk away with a cool $50,000 once it is approved by the Pittsburgh City Council. How did he get so lucky? Simple…he flipped off a cop and was issued a citation for obscene conduct under the disorderly conduct statute.

Within the blink of an eye, the American Civil Liberties Union swooped in and claimed that flipping someone off is protected under free speech. A federal judge agreed with the ACLU and rescinded the citation. The judge agreed that flipping a cop off, while distasteful, is not against the law.

So, all of you Christmas shoppers out there that are a little short of cash, here is a chance to ride the gravy train. Get out there and start flipping off every cop you see. Use both hands if you want to get some extra money. Granted, there is a slight chance you will take a beat down or get Tased, especially in Philly, but that seems like a small price to pay.

Another way to get more money would be to poop in the back of the police car. Pooping is a God given right and if you can’t hold it, you can’t hold it. Again, there may be some short term ramifications for this behavior, a definite ass kicking, but think of the nice things you will be able to buy.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I want to give thanks to the ACLU for protecting all of the douche monkeys of the world. Thanks for protecting the Westboro Baptist Church. You know them, the good folks that go around with signs that say “God Hates Fags”, “Thank God For Dead Soldiers”, and “Thank God for 9/11”. A true Christian group if there ever was one.

Thanks for letting prisoners have pen pals in Florida. Thanks for protecting e-mail spam by calling it free speech. And thanks for making libraries give people access to porn sites. Oh, and before I forget, thanks for making hundreds of thousands of dollars by suing state buildings that had the audacity of posting the 10 Commandments. It wasn’t enough to simply have them remove it. No, you also needed to be compensated to the tune of over half a million dollars. The taxpayers that footed that bill say thank you!

I hope the taxpayers of Pittsburgh realize that the $50k they are about to shell out is money well spent. They should all send the ACLU a basket of fruit and a thank you note. Congrats Pittsburgh on your new found, finger flipping freedom.

A Tip Of My Gin And Juice To Fred

November 24, 2009

Sadly, Freddie is burning in hell due to his gay lifestyle. Why? Because Jesus said so. Still, he left some great music behind. One of my favs.

My Conversation With Sarah Palin

November 20, 2009

I was finally able to meet my dream woman yesterday, in person. I won’t lie, I was a little nervous to be meeting a true icon face to face. However, soon after meeting Sarah, I was immediately put at ease and relaxed. Here is the transcript of our conversation.

SP: Hi there? How ya doin’?

TL: Good. Did you really call Trigger a retard?

SP: (Looking slightly bewildered) Of course not. Levi is just making those things up.

TL: Oh…ok. In the Newsweek photo where you have running shorts on, you seem to be wearing panty hose. What’s that all about?

SP: (Still looking perplexed) Well, it was more of a glamour shot than an actual, ya know, reality photo.

TL: Who is keeping an eye on Russia while you are on your tour?

SP: (Grits her teeth a little) That’s kind of an old joke. Who do you want the book made out to?

TL: When you and Todd get it on, do you wear your stiletto’s? Specifically, the red shiny ones?

SP: (Little beads of sweat forming on her brow) That is really not an appropriate question. (Looking around for security).

TL: I’m sorry. It’s just that they look so good on you I figured you probably wore them in the sack. Does Todd go backdoor on you?

SP: (Turning a pretty shade of crimson) You, sir, are being rude and belligerent. Please move along before I have you removed.

TL: When you have a baby at your age, I bet your lady parts don’t bounce back into shape very quickly. That’s why I asked about the back door. Do you spit or swallow?

SP: (Stands up looking kind of pissed off) Security! Remove this man immediately!

TL: Have you ever done a Rainbow Kiss or Dirty Sanchez? Did McCain ever whip his thingy out in front of you?

At this point, two security guys start dragging me away.

TL: Wait! Sarah, you didn’t sign my book yet!

SP: (Hands my book, unsigned, to another security guy).

TL: Just so you know, I rubbed one off in the men’s room and smeared my man goop all over the book you just touched! You are holding my seed!

SP: (Looks down at her hands and starts to gag. Looks feverishly for a container to throw up in).

TL: Seriously! I rubbed like a quart of love juice on that bad boy!

SP: (Violently projectile vomits all over the table and on the shoes of the next person in line. Looks kind of like she might pass out).

TL: I love you!!! Todd is a douche monkey!

And that was it. I was pushed out of the back door of the store and told that if I come anywhere near Sarah again, I will be arrested.

Ok, so maybe our first date didn’t go exactly as planned. Still, I think you can tell from the conversation, we connected on a very intimate level. I am off now to the next book signing. I know Sarah will be thrilled to see me again. You betcha!!!

Here’s a pic of the crowd. Good people.

Got A Lump In Your Breast? Don’t Worry About It.

November 18, 2009

That’s pretty much the message just released by the United States Preventative Services Task Force. Most of the time, they contend, it is just a false alarm so why worry about it? In fact, they would encourage you to NOT perform self exams because, if you find one of those pesky lumps, it is only going to freak you out.

This kind of medical advice is straight out of an episode of Hee-Haw:

Patient: Doc, I get a pain every time I bend my elbow.

Doc: Well, don’t do that! (Cue overly loud laugh track).

Beyond this brilliant advice, the Task Force is also recommending that women wait until they are 50 until they get a mammogram. Why? Again, because false positives will freak you out and biopsies are overkill. Also, only 1 in 1900 lives will be saved versus 1 in 1300 if you are over 50. That’s about 2500 women so I can kind of see their point. You can’t save everyone, right?

I would probably take it a step further. Don’t do any mammograms and then you won’t have anyone worrying about it. That golf ball lump in your left breast? Probably just calcification so don’t sweat it. Nipple starting to look like a map of Texas? That’s just what we like to call an “age spot”.

Just think of all of the money we will save in insurance costs. Women won’t go to the doctor until they are near death and their cancer is beyond treatment. Sure, hospices would be overcrowded but, other than that, costs will plummet. This is a strategy that is infinitely more clever than anything even Bernie Madoff could come up with.

The Task Force has some other studies coming out soon. Look for, “Dental Hygiene: Are Teeth Really That Important?” and “Adipose: The Other White Meat”. They are also reviewing “high blood pressure” by trying to identify just what constitutes “high”. Unless you are beet red with your heart pounding out of your chest, there should probably be a different term like “non-worrisome elevation”. Cardiac arrest will now be called “heart recess” and cancer will be referred to as “whatchamacallit”.

For those of you that are surviving cancer because you felt a lump or were screened prior to the age of 50, you need to know that your life really wasn’t worth saving…at least according to the government. You might want to send them an apology letter or something.

A Birthday Wish

November 14, 2009

Please Stop Bashing Carrie Prejean

November 13, 2009

The dirty, liberal media is up to its old tricks again. This time, instead of attacking Sarah Palin, they have set their crosshairs on Carrie. (Although I am sure that once Sarah’s bestselling book hits the shelves, the hate will start flying her way again).

For those of you unfamiliar with Carrie, here is a quick recap. She was in the Miss America pageant and, seemingly, well on her way to winning it. In the Q&A portion of the contest, she was asked her thoughts on gay marriage. Like most of us good Christian Americans, she answered that marriage is strictly for men and women. Makes perfect sense. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, yes?

Well, unfortunately for Carrie, the judges were all flaming liberals and scored her low for her answer. Due to this obvious chicanery, she was robbed of the title. Worse still, she was made a pariah in the liberal media for supporting the proud tradition of marriage. In essence, she was scorned for her religious beliefs.

As if losing wasn’t enough, more allegations were made to sully her name. First, semi-nude photos started popping up on the Internet. This was done to make her look slutty. As those of us who read the Good Book know, Jesus had no problem with nudity. In fact, his best friend Mary Magdalene often walked around with her boobs hanging out. Jesus was no prude.

Next, she was criticized for taking money from the California pageant committee to get breast implants. They gave her this money to improve her chances of winning Miss America. Let’s be honest, you do need a decent rack to win. However, again, this is not inconsistent with her religious upbringing. Leviticus 3:12 says, “Women should provide their men with ample and bountiful boobage. If such boobage does not exist, thou shall go forward and purchase said item(s)”.

The most recent attack against her was made regarding a solo sex tape she had made for her boyfriend. Surely, this would prove she is a Jezebel. Not so fast, my friends. I present to you Copernicus 2:09, “A woman shall provide pleasure to herself in times of solitude. If recording equipment is available, thou shall tape said session for her mate. While instruments are not strictly forbidden, using thou fist shall not be acceptable”.

As you can see, every time the liberal media tries to hurt her reputation, the only word that matters refutes their claims. The evil and dirty Larry King tried to get Carrie to talk about all of this but insisted on asking “inappropriate” questions. The following video is only part of the story.

The following questions were edited out.

Carrie, when you were doing yourself, did you use both hands at once or just one?

Did you ever fantasize about me while you were tearing it up?

Have you ever used the backdoor in your solo lovemaking?

Do you go at the taint very much in your sessions?

And it went on and on. Please, for the love of Pete, stop badgering this fine Christian woman. She has done nothing wrong and we would all be so lucky to have a daughter like her. Well, we would be luckier to have her as a neighbor with lots of big, uncovered windows in her house but that is neither here nor there.

God bless you, Carrie. Keep up the great work.

Happy Veterans Day! (Except For The Gays)

November 11, 2009

I wouldn’t want to get our gay servicemen and women in trouble by acknowledging them. They need to stay in the closet where Jesus and Uncle Sam put them. Remember…“don’t ask, don’t tell”.

It used to be “don’t show, don’t tell” because the gay men have a tendency to be showing their junk off all of the time and the lesbians were relentlessly flashing themselves. However, once that problem was eradicated, they went to the new phrase.

It is reported that about 13,000 gays have been kicked out of the military for, I assume, either asking or telling. I don’t know what they asked but it must have been bad to get booted. Maybe they said something like, “Do you want tossed salad with your meatloaf?” You know; something really offensive.

In an interesting development, the Mormon Church has beaten the US Government in accepting gays. They are supporting legislation in Utah that says that gays are essentially equal to non-gays and are entitled to similar protections. Of course, it goes without saying that this does not include marriage. They haven’t completely lost their minds.

So, the military remains one of the last true bastions for us hetero men. When I served some years ago, I could be confident that the other guys with me in the shower were just as manly as me. When we sang songs from A Chorus Line and soaped each others backs, it was in a really macho way. No queers here, thank you very much.

It is nice to know that there are still no gays in the military. How could we tolerate guys running around saying, “Want to polish my gun?” all day long? Or women wearing flannel instead of their required uniforms? Do you really want Clay Aiken leading the troops? I imagine his speech would not be quite Patton-esque.

 “When we land against the enemy, don’t forget to hit him and hit him hard. Of course, I don’t literally mean “hit him”. Use your words. Say mean things about the way their uniform fits or the way the colors clash. I know it will come across as bitchy but war is hell. When they try to surrender, don’t let them. Tell them that you have way too hectic of a schedule to take on visitors. Plus, where would we put them? I can barely fit all of my costumes uniforms in my tent as it is. I have a lot more stuff to say but these boots are absolutely killing me. Toodles!”

Thanks to all of our veterans for all you have done and will continue to do. We are proud of you…all of you.

Crazy Astronaut Lady Gets Probation

November 10, 2009

Do you remember the crazy female astronaut that drove 1000 miles in a diaper to accost her romantic rival? She was packing all kinds of tools and stuff that you would find on pretty much any serial killer worth their money. In fact, she even was wearing a nifty disguise so she could sneak up on her mark. Remember her…Lisa Nowak? Here’s her pic.

Astronaut Arrested

Well, she was just sentenced to two days in jail and one year’s probation in exchange for pleading guilty. Now, before you think she got off too easily, she has also been ordered to write her victim a letter of apology. And not just any letter of apology. The judge says it has to be “a sincere letter of apology, not one of these vanilla things that I see from other defendants.” I don’t know about you, but if someone was trying to kill me I would definitely want to get a letter from them. In fact, maybe we could even become pen pals.

Judge Marc Lubet, obviously a refugee from France, came up with this stupid punishment. What the hell kind of sentence is two days? How can you even come up with such a ridiculous number? Why not 6 hours and 37 minutes of hard labor? Did it hurt when you pulled that number out of your ass, judge? It doesn’t matter anyway because they gave her time served on the 2 days so she doesn’t actually have to clear her schedule to make it happen. She is also supposed to take 8 hours of anger management classes but since she has been in “therapy” for 1.5 years, the judge waived that order as well.

Can we revisit the a couple of details because clearly the judge and I read different versions of the story. First, who drives 1000 miles to “just talk” to someone? I could go maybe 50 miles but that’s about it. And I am fairly confident that although I might have a weak bladder, I still wouldn’t be wearing a diaper. (And no, I am not at all admitting to having a weak bladder).

Beyond that, I doubt I would have a disguise and a bag full of questionable items. Such as a mallet, duct tape, pepper spray, bb gun, knife, rubber tubing, and other items that just scream, “I’m fixin’ to rock your world!” There were also allegations that she had a gun, nun chucks, death stars, a book on Jujitsu, Peppermint Patties, a dwarf, and several packets of pop rocks that could have been used in a most devious manner. However, this could not be confirmed. In spite of all of the this, Judge Ito Lubet seemingly found nothing terribly disconcerting. Mmm…ok.

Nowak is, not surprisingly, also not supposed to go near her victim or the paramour that both were pursuing at the time. Hopefully, this means she can spend some more quality time with her husband and 3 children who she deserted when she ran off to find “Mr. Right Stuff”. The rumors that she has been chosen to endorse Depends adult diapers is said to be false. However, Brinks Home Security has asked her to guest star in their next stalker commercial. I hope she gets the job. I love stories with a happy ending.

Man Loads Gun For Wife’s Suicide Attempt

November 9, 2009

Phillip Rogers was not at all happy with his wife, Tammy. In fact, he was so agitated with her, he told her, “Why don’t you just go kill yourself?” Tammy, not at all intimidated by Phillip, told him to go fetch the gun for her.

In a moment straight out of The Deer Hunter, Tammy put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the gun was not loaded and nothing happened. This would have been a good time for both parties to take a step back and think about what just transpired.

Because they were drunk, however, the situation only went from bad to worse. Phil, being the type of guy to see things to the end, at this point loaded the gun for Tammy and handed it back to her. She proceeded to point the gun at her head again, pull the trigger, and for all practical purposes, put herself in a vegetative state for the rest of her life.

Of course, this is just Phil’s version of the story. While it seems totally believable, I think I would go with a version that has the part in it where Phil loads the gun and shoots his wife. While she may have pulled the trigger once, had he handed the loaded gun to her the second time, I am confident we would be reading about the now dead Phillip Rogers.

phillip rogers

(Phil, giving you his evil “do it” look).

In any case, Phil still got charged with “assisting with an attempted suicide”. Something tells me that this carries somewhat less of a charge than, say, premeditated murder. Nice job, Phil. You might be able to swing some sort of suspended sentence or parole out of the deal.

When Phil was arrested, he allegedly told the police officers to “jump off of a bridge”. Four officers drowned after taking these instructions to heart. Phil just has that kind of effect on people. In fact, when he was arraigned, he told the judge to “stick his head up his ass”. After several minutes of trying to comply, an embarrassed Judge Buford T. Justice called for a recess to wash the poop out of his hair.

Kissimmee police: Here are a few other cases that didn’t happen the way you think they did. Ron and Nicole did not just slip and fall several times on top of a sharp knife. Jimmy Hoffa did not lie down to “take a nap” in a concrete pit. The Menendez Brothers were not crocheting an “I love Mom and Dad” shotgun sheath when the gun “accidentally” went off. David Carradine was not spanking his monkey when he just happened to hang himself. (Wait…he did? Ok, don’t count that one).

Anyway, get to work and don’t let this guy off the hook.