Lou Dobbs’ House Tries To Kill Itself

Lou Dobbs called police to say that someone had shot at his house while his wife was standing outside. While I am sure Lou would be flattered if someone actually cared enough to shoot him, let alone his wife, my info is that the house was just trying to off itself. 

Since a house doesn’t have any arms, my sources tell me that a hit man was hired to do the dirty work. I imagine the shooter had a high power rifle because a house is pretty hard to take down with one shot. It would seem that as the gunman was ready to do his duty, Lou pulled up and flashed that shit eating grin of his with his super white teeth. The sniper was temporarily blinded, pulled the trigger, and the shot ricocheted off of a tree and bounced harmlessly off of the house. The home is said to be completely inconsolable at the moment. 

lou dobbs

Of course, as I mentioned, Lou thinks someone was out to get him or his wife. He blames it on his position on illegal aliens and will no doubt specifically blame someone named Paco before it is all said and done. I would have leaned toward a disgruntled “birther” who feels that Lou just isn’t trying hard enough to make their absurd argument. 

Lou just doesn’t understand how someone could be so riled up that they would do such a thing. Hmm…it is quite the conundrum. A litany of “celebrity journalists” go on the air each day and try to provoke as much dissension as humanly possible to drive their ratings up. Could it be that some of the listeners that have the education and moral compass of an earthworm just might slip over the edge and pull the trigger? 

Not according to the local police department. They insist that it is hunting season and, since Lou lives in the middle of nowhere, a stray bullet hit his house. Hence the lack of impact. 

My God, how boring of a story would that be? I think, and I can’t prove this, that if the house didn’t do it, then it probably had something to do with illegal aliens, Obama, CNN bigwigs, Larry King, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Clinton. In fact, it was likely a conspiracy between all of them…or not. 

Lou – newsflash. No one cares about you. You can keep whitening those dentures until they are damned near translucent but still, no one will care. You are too late to get on the gravy train. Geraldo, O’Reilly, Beck, and even freaking Morton Downey Jr. beat you to the punch. You are just a grumpy old dude that has viewers because people that are too lazy to get up and change the channel after rubbing one off to the magnificent Betty Nguyen. Get over yourself you giant douche monkey. 

Mmmm….Betty Nguyen…I feel a party coming on!

Betty Nguyen


28 Responses to Lou Dobbs’ House Tries To Kill Itself

  1. Bill Reed says:

    I am sure that there will be a general sigh of relief now that the real Tanner Lee is back after his brief decent into humanity with the rest of us schmucks.

    It is regrettable,that you have wasted your superior powers of observation on a bottom feeder like Lou Dobbs. (I keep hoping that if we ignore them they will go away.

    I suspect that this just a failed attempt by one of his loony (“Lou-ny”?) tunes fans — don’t forget that “fan” is short for “fanatic” — to martyr him. Maybe next time they’ll succeed and the world will be a marginally quieter place.

    • tannerleah says:

      Bill, I had to write something quickly so I could get the stench of “humanity” off of me. Lou was the first story I saw.

      Lou has fans? Well, I guess if Paris Hilton can so can pretty much anyone else.

  2. nonnie9999 says:

    i think lou shot his own house. he hasn’t been getting enough attention around cnn headquarters, with that damned larry king out-charisma-ing old lou (even with his new teeth). maybe lou should buy himself some suspenders.

    • tannerleah says:

      I enjoy when Larry has a “celebrity” on and doesn’t have the slightest idea who they are.

      Larry: So how long have you been acting?

      Celeb: Actually, I sing for a living.

      Larry: You act and sing? Like Fred Astaire?

      Celeb: Yeah…something like that.

  3. Tizzle says:

    Who gives a crab abot Lou? Who is that hot chick?

    • tannerleah says:

      That “hot chick” is one of my potential future wives so show her some respect. In the future, refer to her as the “hot Asian chick”.

      She is Betty Nguyen from CNN on Saturday morning. She’s better than a hot cup of coffee to wake you up in the morning.

  4. Donald Mills says:

    I heard (from a very reputable source) that Anderson Cooper was the shooter. And that he didn’t act alone.

    I’m not saying anything for sure but these types of unfortunate happenings are usually about money or unrequieted love.

    Or just drunk Hillybillys!

    • tannerleah says:

      Well, in spite of what Liz says, it is common knowledge that Anderson is probably gay. Could he have a thing for Lou? It’s possible. Sad but possible.

      One thing he is not…a hillybilly.

  5. Someone said Dick Cheney mistook the house for a bull elk. That “Someone” might have been Dick Cheney, who claims he was miles away from the incident, which he refers to as a “case of mistaken identity.”

    Claiming it was an accident while claiming to be nowhere in the vicinity of the shooting would normally brand some people as “fucking crazy.”

    Dick is resisting pulling the “f-kin crazy” card until he is assured of a reduced sentence and/or damning testimony from either the house itself, or Paco, the gun-toting gardner.

    But where does this leave Lou’s wife? She’s outside the whole time. Could it be that Lou tried to shoot his wife and is now trying to pin it on the Illuminati-esque collusion of Dick Cheney and Paco?

    Better do some digging, TL. There’s more to this than the complete non-event it appears to be.

    I like the PD’s take on the event. But more than that, I like your take on the event. Tell me why the newspapers haven’t hired you. Are they just not interested in regular readers?

    • tannerleah says:

      Excellent undercover work, CLT. I hadn’t considered the Cheney angle but he does seem desperate for attention these days what with his “dithering” comments and all.

      I am confident Paco is in the clear because my wife said she was having “lunch” with him at the time. Those two seem to be pretty close. It’s nice she has a friend.

      The newspapers won’t hire me because they say I tend to embellish the truth. Isn’t that what the media is supposed to do?

      Plus, I want to do hard hitting stories on the war and they want me to see if Paris is wearing any undies today. I refuse to be dragged down. Bite me Rupert Murdoch!

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I will publicly post Lou Dobb’s address (hehe, it will really be my address) if his haters promise to come blow the hell of his (my) house with some .50 Browning machine guns, Uzis and Kalashnikov rifles, toss in some grenades and IEDs and not stop until every last piece of stucco and red tile roof crumbles to the desert floor. Homes have depreciated 25-50% here in Vegas and people are smoking mad as down payments, upgrades and equity have evaporated. Better yet, maybe the Dobb haters could just form a housing militia and take down the homes of the bankers and mortgage brokers (dwellicide?). I can’t help feel there would be some universal smug satisfaction in seeing their homes crumble, too. My Canadian neighbor summed it up nicely when he said he “feels we are peons in a feudal system subject to a king and his vassals.” Chung chung.

    • tannerleah says:

      Liz – Not to worry. With the maze of space heaters you have set up in your home, you are always a blink away from your house turning into toast. For Oz sakes, make sure you have an escape plan.

      Dwellicide – I like it!

  7. Yeah! A pants party! She’s hot, if I were a lesbian I’d be having a party in my pant(ies) as well!

  8. yorksnbeans says:

    She’s okay, but if I were going to switch sides I think I’d prefer either Erica Hill or Robin Meade (that is if we’re stuck with CNN).

  9. Not quite, “What’s the frequency Kenneth?” But what’s a B-lister to do?

  10. Whoa…talk about laying the dick out on the table.

    Betty Nguyen, I love you long time.

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