Lou Dobbs’ House Tries To Kill Itself

October 30, 2009

Lou Dobbs called police to say that someone had shot at his house while his wife was standing outside. While I am sure Lou would be flattered if someone actually cared enough to shoot him, let alone his wife, my info is that the house was just trying to off itself. 

Since a house doesn’t have any arms, my sources tell me that a hit man was hired to do the dirty work. I imagine the shooter had a high power rifle because a house is pretty hard to take down with one shot. It would seem that as the gunman was ready to do his duty, Lou pulled up and flashed that shit eating grin of his with his super white teeth. The sniper was temporarily blinded, pulled the trigger, and the shot ricocheted off of a tree and bounced harmlessly off of the house. The home is said to be completely inconsolable at the moment. 

lou dobbs

Of course, as I mentioned, Lou thinks someone was out to get him or his wife. He blames it on his position on illegal aliens and will no doubt specifically blame someone named Paco before it is all said and done. I would have leaned toward a disgruntled “birther” who feels that Lou just isn’t trying hard enough to make their absurd argument. 

Lou just doesn’t understand how someone could be so riled up that they would do such a thing. Hmm…it is quite the conundrum. A litany of “celebrity journalists” go on the air each day and try to provoke as much dissension as humanly possible to drive their ratings up. Could it be that some of the listeners that have the education and moral compass of an earthworm just might slip over the edge and pull the trigger? 

Not according to the local police department. They insist that it is hunting season and, since Lou lives in the middle of nowhere, a stray bullet hit his house. Hence the lack of impact. 

My God, how boring of a story would that be? I think, and I can’t prove this, that if the house didn’t do it, then it probably had something to do with illegal aliens, Obama, CNN bigwigs, Larry King, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Clinton. In fact, it was likely a conspiracy between all of them…or not. 

Lou – newsflash. No one cares about you. You can keep whitening those dentures until they are damned near translucent but still, no one will care. You are too late to get on the gravy train. Geraldo, O’Reilly, Beck, and even freaking Morton Downey Jr. beat you to the punch. You are just a grumpy old dude that has viewers because people that are too lazy to get up and change the channel after rubbing one off to the magnificent Betty Nguyen. Get over yourself you giant douche monkey. 

Mmmm….Betty Nguyen…I feel a party coming on!

Betty Nguyen