Global Warming Is A Hoax

Or, perhaps it is not. I need someone to tell me what to think. I know this runs contrary to my request to be left alone to make decisions for myself but there is only so much time in any given day. I suspect to really know the truth, I would have to read a bunch of stuff and interpret graphs. Not gonna happen. 

A new poll says that 57% of Americans believe in global warming. While this seems like a pretty good percentage, the number of believers is actually decreasing. I would like to go with the majority but, I am not sure if these people can be trusted. 

Anecdotally, there have been really hot and really cold days recently. So, from my own personal experience, I could make a case either way. As to the ice caps melting and all that crap, I don’t get out of the country much so I don’t know what is going on. Tree huggers say they are shrinking, everyone else says they are growing. 

Al Gore seems to have done a lot of work on this subject but I don’t think that someone that really believes in global warming would own a big house or be fat. If Al looked like a 125 pound hippie living in a tent, he would be much more likely to get my vote. (Same goes for Bono although he does not have the fat issue. Still, how much energy is wasted making those huge glasses he wears? He doesn’t really give a shit). 

T Boone Pickens used to believe and bought all of those damned windmills to prove his point. Then he realized that Americans will NEVER give up SUV’s and consumption and just as quickly jumped off of the bandwagon. I don’t know what Barry thinks because he is still mulling it over. I think if New York City goes underwater; he might just be ready to make a stance…maybe. 

I wish Dubya or Cheney were still in charge because I always knew that they could be trusted to tell me the truth. Now, I have no one. Well, maybe Michael Moore but, again, he has the fat man issue. 

The bottom line is that I need one of you to tell me which way to go on this. I know that I am one of the few people in the world that has not studied this issue in depth so I know I can trust your opinions. If you have stories of how you put an egg on the sidewalk and it either froze or fried, that would be helpful. Also, if I end up either believing or not believing global warming, you need to tell me how to behave. For instance, if I don’t believe, should I buy a Hummer? (And I don’t mean the good kind). If I do believe, should I cover my house in tin foil to trap the escaping radiation generated by using a variety of Axe products? I am so confused. 

Your help is greatly appreciated. TL

global warming

41 Responses to Global Warming Is A Hoax

  1. bschooled says:

    I wish I could help, TL. But unfortunately, it was only recently that I discovered this whole “Global Warming” issue was a real concern for some people, and not just another publicity stunt the Mayans used in order to garner attention to their indigenous wares.

    All I can say is that whatever we do, we need to do it fast, because judging from that photo, by 2020 we could very well be into the “reverse-panty” stage…

  2. I used to be married to an Environmental Scientist whose speciality was Global Warming so I’m an expert (though I rarely sleep at Holiday Inn Express)

    And, the new fatter Al Gore reminds me so much of my dead, born-again ( hmm, contradiction).. recovered alcoholic uncle from Tennessee that it creeps me out. For the record: he got born-again then died and to the best of my knowledge is still dead. A Baptist!

    So, global worming… yes, worming.. the worms are coming as they prefer warm climates.. worms like warm.. got it?
    The more worms you see, the warmer it is…
    ‘Nuf said.

    • tannerleah says:

      Does your ex look like Jeff Goldblum or Erkel? If he is attractive, Liz will want his phone number.

      I will keep an eye out for worms. I will also wathc out for maggots and really small snakes. Thanks for the heads up.

      • elizabeth3hersh says:

        If he is a Jeff Goldblum-my scientist, then, yes, I am most definitely interested. Perhaps we can swap for my ex (biologist, zoologist and shark researcher)? I haven’t ‘done’ environmental yet.

  3. If Cheney were still president, he surely would have invaded Canada by now to stop this threat to national security known as global warming. Even if there is no proof of it, that wouldn’t have stopped him (ie: WMD)

    Ah, the good old days of senseless war mongering. That guy we have in there now thinks too much.

  4. Bilroni says:

    It’s cyclical. We could also go into another Ice Age. Dubya and Cheaney knew that, and that’s why they had time to do other things. Like invade countries that had weapons of mass destruction.

    God Bless America!

  5. nonnie9999 says:

    it’s no hoax, tannerleah. for the last few years, i’ve been having hot flashes, and i cannot think of any other reason for them other than global warming.

  6. hoboduke says:

    We had snow on October 14 in 1909 and 2009 in Green Bay Wisconsin! It seems the warming charts are amiss. It is now a balmy 35 degrees and raining on the verge of snow again. At least I got Al Gore to keep me warm. He breaks a sweat picking up a microphone.

  7. nursemyra says:

    didn’t Sir Francis Bacon die after experimenting with a frozen chicken on a sidewalk?

    there’s your answer!

    • tannerleah says:

      Umm…pretty sure that was Kevin Bacon and he was killed while choking his chicken. Wait, it might have been the Kung Fu guy that choked his chicken.

      Doesn’t matter, chicken and bacon are good!

  8. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Global warming is not happening fast enough here in Las Vegas. On Wednesday, it is projected to top out around 61 (translate: FREEZING). So? So, I have to cordon off the kitchen and family room from the rest of the house using drapes (silk, of course), drag out the space heater and prepare to spend the next FIVE MONTHS confined to two rooms. Sure, my girls can enjoy the rest of the house because they are metabolically NORMAL, but I will be forced to hunker down in these two supplementally heated rooms, donning a sweater to make a mad dash to the bathroom or bedroom and back (cold air feels like ice daggers in my lungs). Perhaps if I could find a suitable partner (preferably the size of Al Gore) that could envelope me in his toasty adipose, I wouldn’t have these annual pilgrimages to two rooms half the year. Should I advertise on match.com (‘frosty in LV’ looking for some ‘global warming action’)? Yes, I’m selfish, but I’m really rooting for some global warming (it’s not nearly hot enough here).

  9. Here’s what I know about the environment:

    So far it’s shrugged off multiple meteor strikes, volcanoes, a land-covering flood, multiple alien invasions, atomic monster attacks, underwater nuclear testing, Paul Bunyan’s nomadic existence, Ice Age, Ice Age 2, Ice Age 3, Los Angeles’ mad plan to block out the sun, the deflowering of the rain forest by multi-national corporations, drug dealers and what’s-his-name the coffee pimp, tragic oil spills that are responded to first by environmentalists, then celebrities, then politicians and finally the oil companies and Al Gore’s interminable self-importance and slide shows.

    I think either way it goes (cold or hot), it can take another one for the team. Just try to keep the do-gooders from selling out humanity to save the world.

    • tannerleah says:

      You make a good point, CLT. I really thought that Bunyan was going to screw it up for everyone. That freakin’ Babe was pinching loaves the size of Toronto. The methane should have killed us all.

  10. The globe is warming? Hell, I live in AZ. I’d never know if you didn’t tell me!

  11. Buy a Hummer, wait that didn’t come out right. Fat people are liars and they produce copious amounts of methane gas, so its all their fault. Don’t change your behavior TL, its not necessary.

    • tannerleah says:

      Thanks FJ. I feel better now knowing that the fat people, as usual, are screwing it up for the rest of us. Christ, I bet Oprah alone has farted a hole in the ozone the size of Texas.

  12. I’m pretty sure you can buy a cow or a soybean field or something to help stop global warming, but Al Gore gets the proceeds and will use them to get gastric bypass surgery. But the real problem is that losing weight releases methane gas and Gore knows it will be a huge PR catastrophe.

    At least, that’s what my psychic told me.

  13. frigginloon says:

    I heard rumors that Mercury was once colonized by a bunch of friggin selfish, consumer driven ,commercial pigs and look what happened to that piece of friggin real estate! And let me tell you, there is no friggin way I’m gonna pack my bags and live on Uranus! So I say just party like its 2012!

  14. They no longer call it Global Warming. It is now Global Temperature Change. That way when we have colder than normal conditions it is still our fault.

  15. New Girl says:

    Here’s what I know: global warming is a myth and Barry has already won 2, count ’em 2, Grammys.

    • tannerleah says:

      Is this THE New Girl? Are you typing while seated in/on your lanai?

      Of course global warming is getting better. Barry is just that cool.

      Aren’t Grammy’s for singing something? Did Barry sing something? Or is this for something he is going to sing…you know, in the future.

  16. New Girl says:

    THE New Girl, indeed! I don’t have much more to do these days than sit poolside with a mai tai. It’s almost as relaxing as sitting under a certain pine tree on a grassy knoll.

    As for the Grammy, I guess you don’t have to sing something. Apparently you just have to record something. Obama won awards for each of his books on CD. Now, if he could just get away from the teleprompters and actually remember his lines, I’m sure he’s in contention for an Oscar. They’ll make up a catagory for him – people just love to reward that guy!

    • tannerleah says:

      Do you play darts? I bet you would be awesome at darts.

      Can we just give Barry every medal or trophy created so we can move on to the next contest? Congrats Barry on winning the World Series. It was unexpected but well deserved.

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