Best Job Ever – Self Help Guru

I was reading the story about the people that were killed or injured in a sweat lodge incident recently. First, I had to figure out what the hell a sweat lodge was. Then, once I knew, I needed to understand why the hell anyone would go in one. 

The answer is simple. They went into the mini hell like environment to test their mental and physical boundaries. Why did they feel compelled to test these boundaries? Because a wicked awesome self help guru convinced them that this was a really, really good idea. 

Oh wait…it gets better. Before you can enjoy the sweat lodge experience, you get to spend 36 hours in the woods participating in a “vision quest”. And here is what seals the deal for me. To enjoy these awesome events, you merely have to pony up something just north of $9000. 

Is this not the greatest scam of all time? You folks can hate the Wall Street guys but these self help dudes are seriously bringing home the bacon. Sure, the guy made a crappy sweat lodge and damned near killed everyone but he is a guru…not a freaking masonry expert. He has already said he was sorry. Besides, he didn’t make 60 people sit in there and boil like lobsters. They chose to do it. And paid for the privilege! 

You may be wondering how you can get in on one of these sojourns. It’s simple, really. Go to the James Arthur Ray website and select one of his many “Journey of Power Experiences”. In fact, if you sign up now, you can go to the exact same place that just killed and hurt all of these people. That’s right. Jim is having the same meeting again a year from now. Presumably, someone else will be in charge of building the sweat lodge. For him to offer this trip fresh on the heels of such a tragedy is refreshing. He is moving full steam ahead because, by God, that is probably what the deceased would have wanted. 

If you don’t have $9000 to pay to have someone leave you in the woods or cause you physical harm, I have an alternative. The Tannerleah “Love Life!” seminar will be taking place next month in Jersey City, NJ. For a mere $5000, you will be dropped off at a mall where you will wonder around aimlessly for 24 hours. This will help you find your inner self. You will then be taken to the seediest part of town where you will likely be assaulted. The pain you feel will make you feel alive as the adrenaline rushes through your body. Lastly, because even I know that sweat lodges are dangerous, you will be taken to the 6th St. Men’s Sauna. There, gays and the elderly will rub up against you incessantly until you are tingling from head to toe. 

If you are miserable because your success has made you feel guilty and you need someone to beat it out of you, my “Love Life!” seminar is just for you. Please sign up today as space is limited*. 

*Terms and Conditions – Payment is due in full prior to event. The Tannerleah Ministry cannot be held accountable for any “mishaps” and your payment effectively waives all legal rights you may have. Tannerleah strongly encourages all participants to bring their current will and be prepared to alter it as the spirit moves you to do. The “Love Life” seminar is not available in CT, CA, MA, or any other litigious states. The Tannerleah Ministry is a subsidiary of Shady Ass Corp.

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23 Responses to Best Job Ever – Self Help Guru

  1. Dear Owners of the Shady Ass Corporation,
    Having never been to New Jersey I was wondering if you could tell me a little about the type of malls you have up there. Also, will I be able to buy stuff? Will there be classy-like shoe stores and stuff?
    I’ve never had a sweat-like experience, are the gay rubbers much different from elder rubbers? My granddaddy used to rub on me and he smelled funny..So, I’d like to request the gay rubber instead.
    I’m pretty excited and will be saving up my beercan recycling money to pay for this trip.
    God bless you,
    Not-so-delicate flower

    • tannerleah says:

      Dear Ms. Flower,

      Your questions show a certain lack of respect for yourself. You, clearly, have severe emotional issues and are just a few twigs short of being a full-on retard.

      Please send your $5000 TODAY if you want to have any chance at all of not ending up as a regular on Springer.

      Regards, SAC

      PS. Sorry to hear about your granddaddy rubbing on you. Probably explains a lot.

  2. bschooled says:

    Your Tannerleah “Love Life!” seminar sounds like my typical Saturday. But only if I’m feeling extremely productive.

    Otherwise I usually just head straight to the Legion and “get my grope on”.

  3. nonnie9999 says:

    for 50 bucks, i’ll turn off the air conditioner, and you can sit and shvitz in my living room. if you want steam, for 5 bucks more, you can go in the bathroom and turn on the shower. if you need adventure, throw in another 10 bucks, and pick something to eat from the back of the refrigerator.

  4. Bilroni says:

    Where do I send my resume? Sure, I have no “Self Help Guru” experience, but it doesn’t seem that difficult….. I have references…

  5. For only $4,000 I can let you feel pain while sitting at home. I’ll go on a nice trip and send you pictures and you can wallow in disgust of how good a time you could have had, if you would have spent the money on a trip for yourself.

  6. JERSEY REPASENTING!!! you should deff take them to crack city Camden…its where my roots are :)and if they haven’t had enough Trenton is right around the corner..and if that still isn’t enough..there is always Atlantic City..they can gamble…for a refreshing experience..

  7. elizabeth3hersh says:

    This will simply not work for me TL. You are going to have to ratchet up your game plan if you expect me to pony up $5,000. Any mall will suffice, but, it MUST be anchored by either Neimans or Saks. As for the spa, I have something in mind along these lines:

    1) first, I would like to be stationed in a memory foam relaxation chaise in order to enjoy…
    2) hydrotherapy using steam from pooled piss of the Sami tribe in Lapland
    3) exfoliation followed by moisturizing with congealed spermatic body butter made from M.I.T.
    undergrad students
    4) scalp massage with a (Whole Foods) steel-cut oats poultice
    5) body gommage and polish by midget-y persons or child laborers to slough away any calloused or flaky skin (oops, I’m thinking Thailand)
    6) thermal stone treatment to realign my ‘body chakras’ (they REALLY need an alignment)
    7) detox therapy in vitamin and mineral enriched body liquors (since I can’t drink)
    8)) followed by airbrushed tanning
    9) and an hour in a dream interpretation chamber (utilizing Jungian archetypes)
    10) ending with caffeinated exotic tea served by a tea sommelier (perfectly paired with my crudités)
    11) pilates
    12) and a long and lingering back massage utilizing thumb walking, skin rolling, and long kneading strokes…ahhhhhhhhhh

    On second thought, couldn’t I get most of the above at any Four Seasons (although, I think the hydrotherapy will be more along the lines of ‘glacial water’ and the body butter will be organic and edible).

    • tannerleah says:

      First of all, I don’t know what 30% of the words you used mean. As near as I can figure, the cost for such a trip would be about $123k.

      We are currently running a “Wall Street Getaway” package that is paid for by the government. I will put you down for the Madoff Special.

  8. nursemyra says:

    I’ve already got the elderly rubbing up and down against me all day long 😦

  9. Squirrel says:

    Doesn’t surprise me that Oprah supports this maniac.

  10. Perhaps it’s my midwest upbringing, but I always thought that sweat lodges were somewhat of a gay hangout?

    This is news to me and to several of the other gentlemen currently in this sweat lodge. Perhaps if the brochure had been worded differently and didn’t feature hot pictures of hot gay men doing hot sweaty things to each other.

    Another thought arises unbidden. (Well, there may have been a little bid here and there.) This isn’t a brochure at all. This is one of those handouts from the All-Male Revue down the street. It’s kind of hard (again, my apologies) to read through all this steam and inappropriate behavior.

    I’ll sign up for your steam bath in a heartbeat, TL. You’ll be hosting it in your tastefully underpinned trailer, I presume. Is it OK if I bring a few guests who wish to remain anonymous?

    Sincerely,
    Confused in the Corn Belt

    • tannerleah says:

      Of course you may bring your gay lovers. I love the gays (except for the angry lesbians).

      Of course the $5000 fee will apply to each of these individuals. You need to purchase the whole experience…not just the gay porn part.

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