Best Job Ever – Self Help Guru

October 20, 2009

I was reading the story about the people that were killed or injured in a sweat lodge incident recently. First, I had to figure out what the hell a sweat lodge was. Then, once I knew, I needed to understand why the hell anyone would go in one. 

The answer is simple. They went into the mini hell like environment to test their mental and physical boundaries. Why did they feel compelled to test these boundaries? Because a wicked awesome self help guru convinced them that this was a really, really good idea. 

Oh wait…it gets better. Before you can enjoy the sweat lodge experience, you get to spend 36 hours in the woods participating in a “vision quest”. And here is what seals the deal for me. To enjoy these awesome events, you merely have to pony up something just north of $9000. 

Is this not the greatest scam of all time? You folks can hate the Wall Street guys but these self help dudes are seriously bringing home the bacon. Sure, the guy made a crappy sweat lodge and damned near killed everyone but he is a guru…not a freaking masonry expert. He has already said he was sorry. Besides, he didn’t make 60 people sit in there and boil like lobsters. They chose to do it. And paid for the privilege! 

You may be wondering how you can get in on one of these sojourns. It’s simple, really. Go to the James Arthur Ray website and select one of his many “Journey of Power Experiences”. In fact, if you sign up now, you can go to the exact same place that just killed and hurt all of these people. That’s right. Jim is having the same meeting again a year from now. Presumably, someone else will be in charge of building the sweat lodge. For him to offer this trip fresh on the heels of such a tragedy is refreshing. He is moving full steam ahead because, by God, that is probably what the deceased would have wanted. 

If you don’t have $9000 to pay to have someone leave you in the woods or cause you physical harm, I have an alternative. The Tannerleah “Love Life!” seminar will be taking place next month in Jersey City, NJ. For a mere $5000, you will be dropped off at a mall where you will wonder around aimlessly for 24 hours. This will help you find your inner self. You will then be taken to the seediest part of town where you will likely be assaulted. The pain you feel will make you feel alive as the adrenaline rushes through your body. Lastly, because even I know that sweat lodges are dangerous, you will be taken to the 6th St. Men’s Sauna. There, gays and the elderly will rub up against you incessantly until you are tingling from head to toe. 

If you are miserable because your success has made you feel guilty and you need someone to beat it out of you, my “Love Life!” seminar is just for you. Please sign up today as space is limited*. 

*Terms and Conditions – Payment is due in full prior to event. The Tannerleah Ministry cannot be held accountable for any “mishaps” and your payment effectively waives all legal rights you may have. Tannerleah strongly encourages all participants to bring their current will and be prepared to alter it as the spirit moves you to do. The “Love Life” seminar is not available in CT, CA, MA, or any other litigious states. The Tannerleah Ministry is a subsidiary of Shady Ass Corp.