Wanted: New Parents For Balloon Boy

Regardless of which, if any, parts of this story are true, can we agree that the Balloon Boy and his siblings would be better off basically anywhere else? The parents are ridiculous media whores and have already made it clear that they will do pretty much anything to gain notoriety…whether it is at the expense of their children or not.

Good Lord, they named the little idiot Falcon. How much more proof do you need that they are completely irresponsible and incompetent? Beyond that, they are not sure whether a helium filled balloon in their back yard could have possibly been untied by a 6 year old. I can tell you with pure confidence that the 20 foot balloon in my backyard can only be untethered by an adult…a wily one at that.

Of course the police helped these idiots put on a great show. Never really occurred to anyone to scour the house first? The “let’s see if he is flying across Colorado” plan seemed like a better place to start? Awesome. You can bet that OJ will be moving to Colorado as soon as he gets out of jail. The media did their usual job of playing along and making it as dramatic as possible. God, if only TMZ could have captured that magical shot of a 6 year old falling 7000 from the sky. Pure gold!

I was going to post something about the parent that sold their kid for a cockatoo and $150 but I just can’t take it anymore. Whenever I am pretty sure I have reached the bottom of the bad parenting barrel, some other douche monkey swoops in and lowers the bar even more. All for the sake of either another hit of crack or the possibility of a reality show. I will have to aggressively channel surf to avoid seeing anymore about these idiots as they will no doubt be all over the place.

My only hope is that someone with a lick of sense from child protective services takes a long hard look at this situation. While this is all good fun and high times for momma and poppa nutball, once again, the kids are getting the short end of the stick. The Jacksons, Gosselins…hell, even Leave it to fu**in’ Beaver have been used like drug mules all for the entertainment of adults.

If there is a God, and there isn’t, He will find a way to stick these useless parents in their homemade balloon 20,000 feet in the air. We will then give Kanye a rifle and all of the bullets he needs to bring it down. Now THAT would be good entertainment.

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21 Responses to Wanted: New Parents For Balloon Boy

  1. ghettoblackify says:

    hahah.. I agree..

    the whole baloon thing was ridiculous

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I don’t think even Capitalist can top that last paragraph. I’m not on the floor laughing, but that is only because my arthritis is acting up. Well done.

  3. I sat at work today absolutely amazed at the “Quick, follow that balloon!” approach almost everyone in Colorado took today. I could understand a bunch of hillbillies, or Canadians following a shiny UFO for 50 miles, but Coloradans? I will be immediately reclassifying those folks I can assure you.

    From my own days as a mischievous young lad, I had a hunch the kid was hiding like Anne Frank somewhere. I agree with you, lets hope he hides so well next time his parents never find him.

  4. My money’s on Kanye not hitting jack shit until he takes those ridiculous glasses off.

    It never occurred to them to search the boxes in the attic? Why the hell not? Kids and attics and boxes are like the Holy Trinity (if it existed) of childhood. Inseparable.

    Also suggested: behind the couch, in the “porn” drawer, driving your vehicle 650 miles to the rodeo, getting high in the basement, casually stripping batteries from every remote and expensive toy in the house, trying to get the cat to mate with the dog, betting your last grand at the race track…

    The list probably goes on and on…

  5. nonnie9999 says:

    how long before the family gets a reality show? i don’t think it will take even a week. as soon as the ink is dry on the contract, the next chapter begins–when evidence is found that it was all a prank planned by the parents so that they can get a reality show.

    p.s. i think they used the same book of baby names that princess sarah palin used.

  6. nursemyra says:

    I’d pay big money to watch your version TL

  7. There are a couple kids I know that need to take a trip on that UFO.

  8. yorksnbeans says:

    At least the kid has a conscience. His stomach obviously can’t take the lies.

  9. Squirrel says:

    Haha. I couldn’t believe when I saw this on TV. I totally just watched a rerun of their episode of wife swap!! Which by the way made me wonder where child protective services were then… Because after that episode I think they should have probably noticed that the parents aren’t really parents, and the mom is straight crazy. Anyways, glad you posted about this. I love the term douche monkey by the way.

  10. tannerleah says:

    You “totally” watched it? That is totally awesome! I totally love the term douche monkey too. I also totally love you.

  11. Bilroni says:

    Which episode of wife swap was it? Were they the family that only eats raw meat?

    The “out of control” family is always in need of a visit from child services. My girlfriend loves that show, and I always try to tell her it’s the same show every week. One “out of control” family, and one conservative family. Although….. I guess it’s the simplicity that makes it pure genius……

    If you ask me, they should lock those parents in the same cell with that little manaic with the mellon baller….. It’s just a much cheaper version of the death penalty.

    • tannerleah says:

      My favorite episode was the huge religious woman that cursed at everyone like a derelict and always finished her rant with “Praise Jesus”. I think I am going for heaven just for watching it.

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