Dahmer, Bundy, Gacy, And Now… Zachary Christie

That’s right; another mass murderer was among us. However, unlike the others, before this murderer could go on his bloody rampage, the Delaware school system stopped him cold. Through cunning, intellect, and just hard nosed investigative work by the Christina School District, a national nightmare has been avoided. 

Zachary Christie, 6 years old, went to school “locked and loaded” to his first grade class. (Or whatever the hell grade a 6 year old is in). Here is a picture of the weapon of death he was carrying.

 Zachary Christie getting prepped

Notice the maniacal, glazed over look in his eyes as he fondles the instrument? Damned near Manson like. What is truly frightening is that this apparatus has a variety of tools to maim and kill people. I guess stabbing is just not good enough these days. What is that on the bottom? A melon baller? Probably used to scoop eyeballs out or possibly even brains.   

The tree hugging parents will tell you that this is some sort of utility knife and that Zachary got it from being in the Cub Scouts (a well know cult). They will also tell you that he was merely proud of it and wanted to use it at lunchtime. Sure he did…just like Obama was born in America and there was once a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. What a load of crap. 

Fortunately, the school took this kid down before John Walsh had to. They ordered him to serve 45 days in reform school. Hopefully, they can deprogram his killing urges during this period by making him listen to copious amounts of Jason Mraz and forcing him to make PETA protest posters. 

The parents are trying to circumvent The Law by home schooling Zachary. They do not want him in reform school and insist he is a wonderful, loving young man. They say they understand the school’s concerns and simply think the rules need some room for interpretation. Ha! You’re not fooling me, hippies! That’s the kind of ruse the Chinese used on us before they bombed Pearl Harbor. 

The derelict parents have asked for 10,000 people to show up and try to get the punishment for Zachary lowered or rescinded. Accordingly, I will be personally demanding a public caning and a wicked long time out. This isn’t Russia people, and we will not live in fear any longer. 

Please help me stop this monster before he does something incredibly horrific with his bottle opener. Do it for the children.


21 Responses to Dahmer, Bundy, Gacy, And Now… Zachary Christie

  1. bschooled says:

    Is that his hostage in the background?

    Granted the picture’s a little blurry, but it looks as though he’s already scooped out her eye-balls…

    This monster needs to be stopped.

  2. nonnie9999 says:

    look at his eyes! 😯 i wouldn’t want to be in the same room with this little demon seed and a spork!

  3. yorksnbeans says:

    Good Gosh – he’ll poke someone’s eye out from that thing! (From “A Christmas Story” – just in case you didn’t pick up the reference on your own)

  4. Donald Mills says:

    I’ve seen firsthand what a melon baller can do to a man and it’s not pretty.

    Personally, I don’t blame the boy. Any sensible parent should know that sending a lad to school with a sissy-ass pocket knife is setting him up for trouble. If you’re going to arm your children at least give them a half-way decent bowie knife or a small firearm. Give the kid a fighting chance for Christ’s sake.

    The damned boy will be the laughing stock of the playground with his little Swiss Army doohickie and likely get a cap in the ass for being stupid enough to flash it around.

    Reform school’s no answer and home schooling is for circus people, librarians and other social misfits. The teacher should have just taken the knife, cuffed him in the head a few times and told him to smarten the hell up. Problem solved.

    • tannerleah says:

      You know, you have started to change my opinion about old people. The way you readily embrace head slapping and abuse as a solution to most problems, warms my heart.

      If you would only get on board with banging chicks, we might actually become friends.

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    After seeing this little cadet giving TV interviews in his Sunday finest, I demand his parents box him up and Fed-Ex him out here to Vegas where our family will dote daily on his cuteness. Adorable!!!!!

  6. nursemyra says:

    Wait… the Boy Scouts are a cult? What about the Brownies and the Girl Guides?

  7. Bilroni says:

    If you ask me, that young man looks a lot like a young Stalin….. Case closed…. book em’ Deleware!

    I saw him on the news this morning too, and he actually kind of gives me the creeps. Maybe it’s because he reminds me too much of the kid in “Kindergarten Cop”. But I guess with that kind of serious weaponry, he doesn’t have to worry about “stranger danger”.

  8. art vandelay says:

    This is about as ridiculous as teachers not using RED ink anymore because it’s too hurtful. PLEASE let the Mayans be right…this world has already gone to hell in a handbasket.

  9. Must be some upscale, suburban type of Swiss Army knife. I’ve never seen a melon baller on those before. There’s usually a 2-1/2 inch saw down there, for hacking off your gangrenous/frostbitten limbs that somehow managed to get caught between two rocks in the river/beartrap.

    Good luck with the melon baller, kid. Let’s hope you never get trapped anywhere more dangerous than a “key party.”

    You should adopt him, TL and send him around to Don for a few beatings. In no time at all, he should acerbic, drunken and tired. But his loveable face spouting cynicism and erection metaphors will melt the hearts of all those around him.

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