Dahmer, Bundy, Gacy, And Now… Zachary Christie

October 13, 2009

That’s right; another mass murderer was among us. However, unlike the others, before this murderer could go on his bloody rampage, the Delaware school system stopped him cold. Through cunning, intellect, and just hard nosed investigative work by the Christina School District, a national nightmare has been avoided. 

Zachary Christie, 6 years old, went to school “locked and loaded” to his first grade class. (Or whatever the hell grade a 6 year old is in). Here is a picture of the weapon of death he was carrying.

 Zachary Christie getting prepped

Notice the maniacal, glazed over look in his eyes as he fondles the instrument? Damned near Manson like. What is truly frightening is that this apparatus has a variety of tools to maim and kill people. I guess stabbing is just not good enough these days. What is that on the bottom? A melon baller? Probably used to scoop eyeballs out or possibly even brains.   

The tree hugging parents will tell you that this is some sort of utility knife and that Zachary got it from being in the Cub Scouts (a well know cult). They will also tell you that he was merely proud of it and wanted to use it at lunchtime. Sure he did…just like Obama was born in America and there was once a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. What a load of crap. 

Fortunately, the school took this kid down before John Walsh had to. They ordered him to serve 45 days in reform school. Hopefully, they can deprogram his killing urges during this period by making him listen to copious amounts of Jason Mraz and forcing him to make PETA protest posters. 

The parents are trying to circumvent The Law by home schooling Zachary. They do not want him in reform school and insist he is a wonderful, loving young man. They say they understand the school’s concerns and simply think the rules need some room for interpretation. Ha! You’re not fooling me, hippies! That’s the kind of ruse the Chinese used on us before they bombed Pearl Harbor. 

The derelict parents have asked for 10,000 people to show up and try to get the punishment for Zachary lowered or rescinded. Accordingly, I will be personally demanding a public caning and a wicked long time out. This isn’t Russia people, and we will not live in fear any longer. 

Please help me stop this monster before he does something incredibly horrific with his bottle opener. Do it for the children.