World Might Not End In 2012

October 12, 2009

This whole “world ending” thing is really starting to get on my nerves. Every time I have a plan to maximize my remaining days on earth, someone changes the date. 

The last time I fell for it was the year 2000. That was the year that computers were going to turn into zombies and kill everyone. Obviously, except in Nova Scotia (Wiki it), this never happened. Listening to Prince sing about 1999 really had me convinced. I should have never listened to that midget. 

This time, I was counting on the Mayans to tell me the truth. They insisted that on 12/21/2012, the world as we know it would end. I don’t know much about the Mayans but they seem plenty mystical and as likely to know about this stuff as anyone. Now, when push comes to shove, they are saying they were misunderstood. That’s what I get for believing an Indian. I bet the Indian that cried every time I littered as a kid was faking it. 

And where is Jesus when you need him? Why won’t he just tell us when it is all going to end? He could whisper it to Jimmy Swaggart or Pat Robertson. Everyone believes those guys. (Just don’t pick Joel Osteen. He wears hair gel and his wife seems mean). 

By the way, if you are unfamiliar with The End, let me explain. As you know, I know my Bible and when the end comes, this will be known as The Rapture. This is when chicks with large hooters, Mimi Rogers played this part in the movie, will start making out with guys all over the place. Even the ugly guys are going to get some. (I don’t know what the small breasted women will be doing to occupy their time while this is happening). 

mimi rogers

(Note to Tom Cruise: You are supposed to trade UP when you divorce).

Then, after you sleep with these girls, you will get Left Behind. This is the part where the world kind of ends but not really. You can still go bowling and stuff but I think Jesus is watching you all of the time. (So don’t steal or watch porno with the lights on). If he deems you worthy, then you get un-Left Behind. I think Kirk Cameron picks you up in a stretch limo but that might just be a rumor. 

Back to my original point. Can someone please tell me when the end is coming? I know it is soon because all of my religious peeps keep telling me so. Something about Israel and Palestine being brought together by the Anti-Christ (Kanye West), and living in peace. All I am asking for is a date. If you know, and I know you do Art, please tell me. Thank you. TL