Why Am I So Tired?

Since I get all of my medical advice from the Interweb, I thought I would seek some help on an ever worsening condition I am suffering from. Essentially, it is chronic fatigue. I am just simply tired almost all of the time. 

I know I am not narcoleptic because Fundamental Jelly posted pictures of this disease on his site and I have not fallen on the ground in a department store or next to my trash can. I have done the “head nod” now and then but never blacked out. 

I am pretty sure I don’t have rickets or scurvy although I have not eliminated sickle cell anemia or the avian flu. Whatever I have just keeps me sluggish all day and has me in bed early every night. When you are the kind of sex machine that I am, this is just not an acceptable lifestyle. 

I have considered my lifestyle and see no clues there. I walk a fair amount each day, (from my home to my car, car to the office, office to car, car to home) so I seriously doubt exercise is an issue. That is some serious cardio. 

My diet is sound. I eat, at least 1 piece of fruit a day with several diet Cokes, copious amounts of meat, and anything containing fructose is going to certainly command my attention. Surely the carb loading I do each day should give me energy, no? 

My mental health is sound. I get home from work and seek the darkest parts of my home to embrace solitude. I do not socialize so there is no risk of communicable diseases. In short, I am damned near a social butterfly. (Not the adult butterfly flying all over the place…more like the part when it is in its cocoon). 

So, as you can see, I have almost everything in my favor from a physical and mental health standpoint. Still, I am freakin’ wiped out! My doctor has prescribed me a variety of narcotics to deal with this but still refuses to bring out the heavy hitters like crack and heroine. He is worried about his career or something and is afraid to take chances. 

I am at my wit’s end on this matter. So I turn to you, my dear friends, to offer me solemn words of advice. I am looking for something slightly more than “pray to Jesus”. (Sorry Art). If you can solve this House-like mystery, I will forever be in your debt. (Literally…as in I am never going to pay you so don’t be looking for any cash). 

Yours in exhaustion, TL.


31 Responses to Why Am I So Tired?

  1. nonnie9999 says:

    i think we need more info, tannerleah. i will be at your house shortly to rifle through all your stuff, just like the residents on house do (except i will use a real rifle).

  2. bschooled says:

    I’m no Doctor TL, (although I do play the occassional Proctologist on “LARP Night”), but I know what you are suffering from, and trust me…it isn’t pretty.

    Your over-consumption of Coke products and tendency to hide in dark areas of the house (does it get any darker than the closet?) tells me that you are suffering from a serious disease called “The Gay”.

    Normally I wouldn’t put two and two together like this (adding isn’t my shtick), but after recently stumbling across a witty and informative blog (written by an extremely witty and well-informed blogger, of course), I have no choice but to come to this conclusion.

    Sorry about your luck.

    • tannerleah says:

      But I don’t dress nicely and I am not terribly neat. Plus, I am really quite a poor dancer. Are you sure it is The Gay? (Although I have been fixated on Ed Asner lately).

  3. Bilroni says:

    Well, luckily for you, you only catch “The Gay” from drinking Pepsi. And that’s a fact! If your Dr. won’t get you the good stuff, you need to find it yourself. Surely Julio behind the conveince store down the street will have some crack he could part ways with, correct? Consult your nearest street pharmacist.

    May I also suggest LESS exercise? I mean… you’re probably wakling a good 100 feet a day. That can be very exhausting. Consuming large amounts of Alcohol usually does the trick for me. But once you stop consuming, be ready to sleep, because it’s happening whether you like it or not.

    • tannerleah says:

      You make a great point, Bilroni. I am pretty much out of breath and all sweat covered after walking those 100 feet, so I probably am over doing it. I think I will get me a powered wheelchair…with racing stripes.

  4. art vandelay says:

    My expert opionion would be too many carbs. Jesus doesn’t give a shit if you’re tired…sorry.

    • tannerleah says:

      Jesus can cure the blind and leprosy but can’t handle my being tired? Not very impressive.

      Do you think Jesus says “shit” a lot? Like, “I can’t believe you said that God. You are so full of shit”. I guess it is possible but it just seems unbecoming.

    • Andrew says:

      Well TL, looks like this article offers some hope, although I would be nervous about the AIDS link. That would explain bschooled’s prognosis, because everyone knows that straight people cannot get AIDS. I know it would be tough news for Sarah Palin to handle, but she is into people with special needs and could be at your side through all the ordeals. Then again, if you have “the gay” she wouldn’t really have the appeal she used to. Just looking for a silver lining.

      • tannerleah says:

        Bart – Thanks for the link. I’m getting closer.

        Andrew – Just knowing I have a disease with initials makes me feel better. CFS…sure, it’s no OCD or HBP but it’s a start.

        Thank goodness it’s not BGH – Big Gay Homo disease.

        I never thought of exploiting myself as a retard but I think you might have a point. I’m going to give it a shot.

  5. My theory?

    It’s your lifestlye choices. Not the ones bschooled suggested, but rather this:

    Everytime I see you, you’ve sucking down another alcoholic beverage and attending to a “party in your pants.”

    Perhaps you could just slow that pace down to every other day?

  6. Have you considered a colonic?

  7. me thinks you are dying. so sorry.

    • tannerleah says:

      Welcome back, that chick. I can always count on you to be sensitive and discreet. This means I need to go skydiving and have sex with a bull really, really quickly.

  8. yorksnbeans says:

    Here’s a novel explanation….you’re old.

  9. Squirrel says:

    Not only is age an issue, but probably the fact that you do nothing. Like going to work doesn’t count as exercise or anything so you just sit there all sluggish. Then go home and sit and do nothing. You’re probably so tired because you don’t do any activities. It’s a proven fact people who exercise have more energy during the day. People who do nothing are obviously going to be tired all the time, because they sleep and do nothing. Activities will wake you up, not the diet coke. Did I say nothing enough?? I think I did. See you soon, another piece of proof for my comment is that you’re lazy since you wouldn’t even come get someone.

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    TL, I tried to turn your lifestyle around with morning smoothies, veggie burger lunches, fava bean entrees and opportunities to “paint my house”, but noooooo, you always opted for the ho-hos and boob tube. I suggest starting the day off by having a Full Throttle Blue Demon with some steel cut oatmeal followed by a Tarzan yell and a brisk workout with Mrs. TL…a guaranteed sanguine catalyst for the rest of the day (if you don’t end up in the emergency room).

  11. check your vitamin D levels. i went to the doctors and she told me my vitamin D levels were out of whack, now i take pills for that, and it gave me permission to lay out in the sun….

    also sometimes if i think about exercising really hard, it’s almost like i did it…i think watching other people exercise counts as exercising…

  12. You might want to try sex…it worked for me.

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