Why Am I So Tired?

October 8, 2009

Since I get all of my medical advice from the Interweb, I thought I would seek some help on an ever worsening condition I am suffering from. Essentially, it is chronic fatigue. I am just simply tired almost all of the time. 

I know I am not narcoleptic because Fundamental Jelly posted pictures of this disease on his site and I have not fallen on the ground in a department store or next to my trash can. I have done the “head nod” now and then but never blacked out. 

I am pretty sure I don’t have rickets or scurvy although I have not eliminated sickle cell anemia or the avian flu. Whatever I have just keeps me sluggish all day and has me in bed early every night. When you are the kind of sex machine that I am, this is just not an acceptable lifestyle. 

I have considered my lifestyle and see no clues there. I walk a fair amount each day, (from my home to my car, car to the office, office to car, car to home) so I seriously doubt exercise is an issue. That is some serious cardio. 

My diet is sound. I eat, at least 1 piece of fruit a day with several diet Cokes, copious amounts of meat, and anything containing fructose is going to certainly command my attention. Surely the carb loading I do each day should give me energy, no? 

My mental health is sound. I get home from work and seek the darkest parts of my home to embrace solitude. I do not socialize so there is no risk of communicable diseases. In short, I am damned near a social butterfly. (Not the adult butterfly flying all over the place…more like the part when it is in its cocoon). 

So, as you can see, I have almost everything in my favor from a physical and mental health standpoint. Still, I am freakin’ wiped out! My doctor has prescribed me a variety of narcotics to deal with this but still refuses to bring out the heavy hitters like crack and heroine. He is worried about his career or something and is afraid to take chances. 

I am at my wit’s end on this matter. So I turn to you, my dear friends, to offer me solemn words of advice. I am looking for something slightly more than “pray to Jesus”. (Sorry Art). If you can solve this House-like mystery, I will forever be in your debt. (Literally…as in I am never going to pay you so don’t be looking for any cash). 

Yours in exhaustion, TL.

Yet Another Gun Nut Makes The News (Updated)

October 8, 2009

EDIT: Sadly, this story did not have a happy ending. Meleanie and her husband Scott were both found dead from gunshot wounds in an apparent murder-suicide. Nothing funny about it as their 3 children are now parentless.


Let me start by saying that, in general, I have no problem with gun ownership. I own a gun as do many, many sane and rational people. That’s not what this article is about. This is about those gun owners that make other gun owners look like zealots and extremists.

In this case, the pistol packin’ mama is named  Meleanie Hain. (I always get distressed when I see an easy to spell name skewed all to hell). Anyway, Mel (as I will refer to her) has decided that she is going to carry her Glock 26 anywhere she goes. Here is a photo of Mrs. Hain locked and loaded:


Mel, like too many people, is convinced that she and her family are always in the path of danger. So, to be prepared when this potential catastrophe happens, she carries the gun. The problem is, while this might make Mel more comfortable, it is making many others in her community less comfortable. When Mel shows up at a soccer game or Wal Mart with her gun it, not surprisingly, tends to make other folks nervous.

Mel runs a daycare but, for some mysterious reason, 2 of the 3 families she worked for have taken their kids out of her custody. My guess is it is because of the gun but shouldn’t they have known this before they sent their kids to Mrs. “shoot first, ask later” Haim? You know, kind of like due diligence?

Since this has gone on for a few months now, Mel has decided she has  had enough of the mocking and mean spirited feedback. She has filed a lawsuit against Lebanon County and Mike DeLeo, the sheriff that revoked her gun permit, for a cool one million dollars. (A judge has since reinstated her license). Mel said the sheriff’s comments made people think she was “still an idiot”. Um…Mel? What do you mean by “still an idiot”. Do you mean you were an idiot but have since been cured? Ok. Whatever you say.

Here is my problem with all of these gun toting, vigilante, “the sky is falling”, apocalypse loving types. Why are they so selective in their protection? For instance, Mel is much more likely to die from drowning. Why not carry around an air tank on her back all day just in case? What about just walking down the street and getting hit by a car? John Travolta isn’t wearing his “Boy in a bubble” outfit so maybe Mel could wear it. She also is much more likely to choke to death. Where is her portable Cuisinart to chop up her food into tiny pieces? Christ, even a tornado is a possibility. Why no bricks in her pants to stop her from blowing away? The list is endless.

It is clear that Mel has some serious security issues that need to be addressed. I am sure that the gun makes her feel more secure but I doubt it is helping with the core problem. I truly hope that she doesn’t “Plaxico” herself or one of her children. I also hope that the judge throws her ridiculous case out of court and chastises her for wasting taxpayer money. Lastly, I hope Mel doesn’t come across an equally unstable person that is carrying a firearm. I am pretty confidant that the story would not have a happy ending.

Ok, gun loving lunatics. It’s your turn to tell me how wrong I am and how the world we be a safer place if everyone had a gun. Fire away! (Pun intended).