Pet Bear Kills Woman

This is one of those headlines that writes itself. Kind of like, “Pet Croc Kills Owner” or “Pet Python Squeezes The Crap Out Of Man”. It is not a question of if it was going to happen but when. 

Kelly Ann Walz, no doubt a wonderful and caring person, had a pet bear. Not a cute little cub but a full on, big ass, 350 pound mauler. She walked into the cage to feed the bear and clean its cage when it attacked and killed her. The neighbor came over and shot the bear to death. 

yogi bear

(The only bear that won’t kill you…probably)

This is a sad story but was there any scenario where it wasn’t going to end like this? Every year, a handful of people get killed by these exotic “pets” and never do I raise my brow in surprise. Of course the damned bear killed her! It’s what they do when they get a chance to. 

If the Dog Whisperer can get bit, and he does, do you think just a regular person is going to do any better? If Siegfried or Roy (I forget which one) gets chewed into little pieces by his “trained” tiger, what chance does an average pet owner have? What about that Aussie guy that got killed swimming with rays? Is it not perfectly clear at this point that all animals are just waiting to kill their human keepers? 

Dogs kill all kinds of people each year and I suspect cats do too…they are just sneakier. All of those people that “die in their sleep”? That’s really the cat laying on their face in the middle of the night and suffocating them. They are killers, I tell ya. 

Still, I half way understand having a dog or cat because they are capable of affection. Does a pet bear show affection? Do they lick your face or fetch the stick for you? No, they just wait day after day for you to lower your guard so they can bite your face off. Same with crocodiles, most snakes, beavers, and certain types of rabbits. 

People, please use some common sense. If you must keep a large wild animal, make sure that you have captured Bigfoot. At least this way, before he kills you, you can make a ton of money on the retards that believe in that stuff. In fact, you might also collect aliens as pets. Just be careful not to drop the soap in front of them because they always have that anal probe thing on their mind.


30 Responses to Pet Bear Kills Woman

  1. Ah yes…this story reminds me of the woman who had the “monkey-husband” named Travis, and it eventually ate her friend’s face off. You are right on….it always ends the same way.

  2. bschooled says:

    This reminds me of a game my friend and I play at work at least once a week. We call it “If you had to pick, would you rather be mauled by a bear, eaten by a shark, or have sex with any one of the Engineers working on the 8th floor?”

    The best part about it is that our answers change depending on our mood that week. (although we’ve yet to pick the last option)

    Tt passes the time…

  3. Donald Mills says:

    Personally, I think the neighbour should have given the bear $50, a pair of sunglasses, a pat on the back and a bus ticket to New York City.

    But I guess shooting it sends a strong message to other pet bears that they better not try to pull the same sort of stunt.

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    gee, those bears on the toilet paper commercials look so civilized.

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    As a Las Vegan, I can tell you it was Roy who was mauled (just guessing Roy is the catcher and if he wasn’t, he certainly is now). As an aside, my two young daughters used to play “Siegfried & Roy” (“I call Siegfried!”…”I call Roy!”)…not sure how this ‘game’ played out behind closed doors, but my girls are very ‘close’. TL, your post reminded me of a nurse I used to work with. I may have mentioned this earlier (bear with me), but can’t resist sharing it again. Anyway, the nurse was married to an entomologist. So? So, this woman was a DEAD RINGER for a ‘human cockroach’. It was so Kafkaesque, so vivid and so surreal it was fire branded into my memory. I would stare at her (what appeared to be) compound eyes behind huge glasses, listen to words emanating from her (what appeared to) mandible, watch her roach-y colored antennae hair sway as she bobbed her head and clearly saw what the attraction was to this woman. It just flashed through my mind that my second husband (the professor) is a shark researcher. Do I resemble a shark? Do I exhibit shark-y and predatory behaviour? I certainly hope not.

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Oops, make that “ex-husband.”

  7. I have just one more of those headlines of ‘not if, but when,’ it was going to happen. April fools day of last year, an Ohio man received a DUI for crashing his motorized bar stool. It was the incident that forced me into blogging.

    I have to agree with Stephen Colbert on bears. They are the number one threat in America today.

  8. nursemyra says:

    A beaver might bite off more than your face if you’re not careful 🙂

  9. yorksnbeans says:

    I’ll stick with the little 8 lb. Yorkies. Even my little guy can scare the begeebies out of some people when he gets into his Yorkshire Terrorist mode. That’s always funny to see! 🙂

  10. It’s people like Kelly Ann that keep that made-for-TV movies and Readers Digest Collection o’ Horrible Stories in business.

    I hope she survived a little bit, if only to crawl painfully several hundred miles thru the unforgiving backwoods (because she had to train it several hundred miles away due to some “uproar” from the neighbors) and drag her bloody stumps up to the nearest payphone (again, several hundred miles away) and frantically dial 9-1-1 with her stumps, only to find that they were too wide to push accurately and so she had to use carefully aimed and timed blood spurts (from her stumps) to push the keys in and kick the phone off the cradle with her remaining foot (which dangled from one tendon) only to have the responding locals holler “ZOMG!!1! You have a bear?? For reals??!??” and run off several hundred miles in the opposite direction to go see the bear (which then killed several of them because it was just in that kind of mood).

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      Capitalist, whenever I start reading your comments, I experience a phenomenon that I call ‘anticipatory laughter.’ That laugh would be satisfying enough. I’m not sure what to call the laughter that follows as I start to actually READ your comments. Off-the-charts hilarity ensues. I’ll take reading something you wrote over any Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas. You sir, should be compensated handsomely for your contributions. A virtual C-note as you pass the hat.

      • tannerleah says:

        Liz, please wipe the brown off of your nose.

      • Thanks for the compliments, Liz.

        And TL, if she was brown-nosing, she’d have said something like, “I want to have your children.”

        And I’d have said something like, “Great! I’ve got 3 of them. Where can I drop them off?”

        As for the Cirque: I don’t care how many flashpots you fire off, you’re still a bunch of hyper, acrobatic mimes.

        • elizabeth3hersh says:

          Since I put the bottle down approximately 15 years ago, all I have left are measured doses of caffeine and the written word as portals of excitement. CLT is right, definitely no kids. I have two of my own to unload.

  11. art vandelay says:

    Nothing to do with the topic but I thought you’d like to know I spent the evening having dinner with Mike Huckabee last night—we prayed for you.

    • tannerleah says:

      Thank you, Art…that was very kind of you.

      Be careful with Huckabee. He seems to be a very nice guy, even if I agree with very few of his positions, but there is something about him that gets my spider senses tingling.

  12. Nieuanima says:

    As a cat owner, I see the hunger in my cats’ eyes. I know that if I didn’t outweigh them by twenty times, I’d be their lunch. In the meantime, they just love me to pieces.

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