Jon Gosselin – Father Of The Year?

Finally, after years of exploitation, the Gosselin children are finally being protected by one of their parents… Jon. Jon has issued a cease and desist order to the TLC network and brought filming of the Kate Plus 8 show to a screeching halt. 

Now, some naysayers say that Jon is merely lashing out because he was being phased out of the show and his primary source of income was in serious danger. I say bull pucky. Jon has already lined up a variety of other jobs that will keep him flush with cash for years. 

First, there are the wicked awesome shirts that he wears all of the time. They are the shizzle and he is simply a top flight male model. The Tyra Banks of men, if you will. Plus, he is an icon to metrosexuals with his “double earring” look. The chicks dig him and men fear him. He can also just be a gigolo for the rest of his life coasting on his amazing looks.

Jon Gosselin

My God, what a sexy man.  

But no, this is not what he has chosen to do. He has decided that reconciliation with Kate is a distinct possibility because he now realizes that his “flings” were unfulfilling. This is merely code that he misses Kate’s hoo-hoo that is the size of a Volkswagen. Sure, for many of is this is not a positive physical attribute but who are we to question his judgment? 

Kate, being the camera hogging ingrate that she is, says that Jon is just being selfish and only cares about himself. She contends that her main interest continues to be the well being of the kids. C’mon Kate, all you care about is that weekly check from TLC so you can continue living in the lap of luxury and banging the pool boy, Paco. (Yes, the very same Paco that services my pool). 

At this point, the kids are about the most boring part of this story. They are little China people so they will grow up to be thin and industrious. How is that an interesting story? I would much rather just see a show centered around Jon and Kate at this point. Maybe some celebrity boxing or a stint on Jeopardy so we can see exactly how stupid the blond shrew is. (Clearly, Jon is the brains in the family). 

Anyway, congrats Jon on being the grown up in this relationship. Sure, you had to bang a few chicks and spend some cash to get your head on right, but haven’t we all been there? I can’t wait to see what job you finally get after being unemployed for so long. Maybe like an executive VP for some company. Or, maybe you just keep doing the T-shirt thing since that seems to be a homerun for you. 

Thank you for being the kind of dad that we all wish we had. This Bud’s for you!


26 Responses to Jon Gosselin – Father Of The Year?

  1. yorksnbeans says:

    I still think it’s all one big publicity stunt.

    • yorksnbeans says:

      While on our trip up to the lake last evening we were listening to John on Larry King. First, he talked so fast most of his words were a long slur. He must have been very nervous, probably because his answers to Larry’s questions were pretty ridiculous and he knew most people weren’t going to buy his stupidity. Second, I can see why Kate is divorcing him. He sounded like an immature teenager who had his car taken away from him.

  2. nonnie9999 says:

    maybe he can be a ghostwriter for princess sarah palin’s next book. what a party you’d have in your pants then, tannerleah!

  3. I believe this missing scene may clarify a point or two on the complexity of the Jon & Kate relationship.

    (Scene: Poolside)
    Jon enters. Kate is having some suntan applied to her… um… vaginal cavity… with… um… Paco’s penis.

    Jon: Hey Kate. Hey Paco.
    Kate: Hi Jon.
    Paco: Hey, Mr. Kate. How are you?
    Jon: Fine, fine. No, don’t get up. I won’t be long.
    Kate: So, what’s up?
    Jon: Well, I just came by to discuss a couple of things with you.

    One: any chance of a reconciliation? I’ve been out banging a lot of scattered ass, and I feel like I’ve gotten my whole “bang a lot of skanky chicks for the hell of it” out of my system.

    Two: Do you have any idea whose phone this is? I’m like 99% sure I never purchased a teal phone. I think this may be Paco’s.

    Paco: Does it have Victor’s Pool Boy Rental Service on speed dial?
    Jon: The hell if I know. I was just calling to get the “Joke of the Day.” It involved some sort of pronunciation mixup by a young student.
    Kate: I’ll get back to you on the reconciliation. I’m still getting my “bang a lot of random hired help” out of my system. As for the phone, I’m not sure. Did you accidentally take the wrong phone from some skanky chick?
    Jon: You know. I might have. It smells faintly of Whore d’Jour. By CK.

    Kate: Well, I really don’t see any problem with that. We could just hyphenate our last names or something and continue to ball random strangers. I’m sure the kids won’t mind.
    Jon: That’s fine with me. After all, we’re grown adults with amazing t-shirt collections. The kids have already dealt with the pressure of growing up in public and if TV has taught us anything, it’s that child stars grow up just fine.
    Paco: Do you like it when I do this?
    Jon: I don’t know. I can’t really feel anything…
    Kate: He was talking to me, douchebag. Sorry, Paco. I don’t think it’s the position. You usuall have to get forearm-deep before you start generating any friction…

    (Uncomfortable pause)

    Jon: So. How is he?
    Kate: Well, he’s hung like a poolboy, if that answers your question. Oddly enough, he’s straight. Most of his pool boy co-workers wouldn’t touch a woman with a 10-foot cock extension.
    Jon: Really… I always thought they were quite the swordsmen. Only of women. Not other swords. I really need to get some sleep. Maybe do a load of t-shirts.
    Kate: I’ll see you around, Jon. Maybe you should go get yourself tested.
    Jon: Maybe. Take care. Good to see you again, Pablo. Check the filters carefully. There’s probably a shitload of condoms in there.
    Paco: OK, Mr. Boss.

  4. This is a complex story, thanks for filling me in.. I must be the only person one the whole planet who does not watch the tv show…
    I do think “This Bud’s for you” is perfect summation..

  5. art vandelay says:

    Still giggling!

  6. bschooled says:

    I’m sure there is more than enough room in her hoo hoo for both Jon and Paco. In fact, if the stereotypes are true, Jon can probably fit in the console.

    ps. True story, my sister used to steal maxi-pads and stick them to her forehead. (but that’s neither here nor there)

  7. LOL…i never watched the show..sorry for being so unAmerican and not caring about a family the size of a soccer team, besides the Goselin’s have nothing on the Duggars…

  8. Wonder if they have to give back the bonuses.

  9. Squirrel says:

    D. Bag of the year. What an honor. Anyways I can’t wait to come back home. I also can’t wait to steal my cat next year. He is my sunshine. My fat sunshine.

  10. […] source for booze-powered cynicism. Tannerleah takes on a variety of topics including soccer moms, John Gosselin, Randy Quaid’s stick-up techniques and pretty much anything else that reeks of […]

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