Lou Dobbs’ House Tries To Kill Itself

October 30, 2009

Lou Dobbs called police to say that someone had shot at his house while his wife was standing outside. While I am sure Lou would be flattered if someone actually cared enough to shoot him, let alone his wife, my info is that the house was just trying to off itself. 

Since a house doesn’t have any arms, my sources tell me that a hit man was hired to do the dirty work. I imagine the shooter had a high power rifle because a house is pretty hard to take down with one shot. It would seem that as the gunman was ready to do his duty, Lou pulled up and flashed that shit eating grin of his with his super white teeth. The sniper was temporarily blinded, pulled the trigger, and the shot ricocheted off of a tree and bounced harmlessly off of the house. The home is said to be completely inconsolable at the moment. 

lou dobbs

Of course, as I mentioned, Lou thinks someone was out to get him or his wife. He blames it on his position on illegal aliens and will no doubt specifically blame someone named Paco before it is all said and done. I would have leaned toward a disgruntled “birther” who feels that Lou just isn’t trying hard enough to make their absurd argument. 

Lou just doesn’t understand how someone could be so riled up that they would do such a thing. Hmm…it is quite the conundrum. A litany of “celebrity journalists” go on the air each day and try to provoke as much dissension as humanly possible to drive their ratings up. Could it be that some of the listeners that have the education and moral compass of an earthworm just might slip over the edge and pull the trigger? 

Not according to the local police department. They insist that it is hunting season and, since Lou lives in the middle of nowhere, a stray bullet hit his house. Hence the lack of impact. 

My God, how boring of a story would that be? I think, and I can’t prove this, that if the house didn’t do it, then it probably had something to do with illegal aliens, Obama, CNN bigwigs, Larry King, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Clinton. In fact, it was likely a conspiracy between all of them…or not. 

Lou – newsflash. No one cares about you. You can keep whitening those dentures until they are damned near translucent but still, no one will care. You are too late to get on the gravy train. Geraldo, O’Reilly, Beck, and even freaking Morton Downey Jr. beat you to the punch. You are just a grumpy old dude that has viewers because people that are too lazy to get up and change the channel after rubbing one off to the magnificent Betty Nguyen. Get over yourself you giant douche monkey. 

Mmmm….Betty Nguyen…I feel a party coming on!

Betty Nguyen

Still Crazy After All These Years

October 29, 2009

You know how I ask you to indulge me every now and then? Well, this is one of those times. Stop your damned groaning and just deal with it. 

A person that I consider to be a good friend shared with me some of the pain she is currently going through. As I read her words, I realized that I could have written the exact same thing. It was really quite remarkable. Unfortunately, although I feel terrible for her, I am probably the least equipped person in the world to help someone else. So, I thought if I can’t help, at least I can share my own experience and maybe in some odd way, that will help. Kind of a “safety in numbers” thing. 

My most recent doctor told me I am severely depressed. Of course, I already knew this so it came as no surprise. I am a fully functionally but there is no joy in Mudville. Sleep is one of my best companions. My wife is an angel and endures the process which is imminently unfair to her. Still, when we married, this is what we both signed up for. She just happened to get the short end of the stick. 

Honestly, I would have preferred that the doctor had said “severely depressed” in a nicer way. It’s like telling an ugly person, “Jesus Christ! You make the Elephant Man look like a hot piece of ass”. Maybe there just isn’t a nice way to say. It reminds me of another doctor whispering into his tape machine some years ago, “white male, moderately obese”. Moderately obese? Are you fu**ing kidding me? I weighed like 210 at the time and I’m 6’1”. He might as well have said, “white male, kind of looks like John Candy”. Funny how certain words carry more weight than others. 

My newest doctor then went on to ask if I were suicidal and, if not, had I at least put together any kind of plan. I told him no on both counts. Is there a scenario where people say yes? “Well doc, I have been thinking about it and I am leaning towards the David Carradine method. You know, rub one off one more time and then be found in all of my glory”. I guess they have to ask but it seems a little surreal. 

I have been to a psychologist maybe 10 to 15 times in my life. I totally understand why people do it. Who doesn’t want to sit around and talk about nothing but themselves for an hour at a time? It is the ultimate narcissistic endeavor. Not to be demeaning, but these doctors are, in essence, prostitutes of the mind. That let you skull fu** them for 60 minutes. Does it work? Does getting a $25 hummer from Shaniqua downtown solve your problems at home? I don’t know. 

My friend told me about all of the methods she has pursued in achieving a better state of mind. It was an impressive list and I was awed by the amount of work she has put into making herself feel healed. It is a shame that her hard work has not paid off yet. My approach has been to ask for the newest pill. I am a child of the ‘70’s so chemistry is something I have a lot of confidence in. Big Pharma absolutely loves people like me and we are an ever growing army. I know very few people that don’t drug up in one fashion or another. 

I guess where all this leads to is a big honking group of unhappy people. When you ask why, none of us can ever really answer the question. It is an answer that is just always over the horizon and slightly out of reach. I suspect that many of us are consumed by aspiration and can’t quite accept that Nirvana is a cruel hoax. 

So why write about any of this? Because my friend hurts and I just want her to know that I hurt for her. I can’t say these words to her because I don’t have it in me. When I see her next, I am sure I will say something caustic and cynical. Maybe something like, “Heard any good suicide stories lately?” But somewhere deep inside, I will be pulling for her to find a place where she can be comfortable. I think she deserves it. I think we all do. 

Well, this was quite uncomfortable, wasn’t it? As always, thanks for playing along. TL

EDIT: My wife thinks maybe I put too much out there. You know what? Sometime you just have to throw your dick on the table and say, “look at it”. I felt this was one of those times. (I would not encourage you to do this at work or in mixed company).

2nd EDIT: I often wonder why people read this blog. After all, I spend the vast majority of my time alienating people and just generally trying to cause trouble. Now I know the answer.

You people are all crazy! And this makes me happy. Thank you.

Arnold Says “Fu** You” To State Assembly

October 28, 2009

As you know, I hate all politicians. However, I must give credit where credit is due. Governor Schwarzenegger was replying to some bill from the California State Legislature and wrote this: 

Arnold is the shizzle

Sure, it probably took a ton of hours for Arnie’s staff to make this reasonably coherent. And, this no doubt cost the taxpayers of California a pretty penny. Still, it is funny as hell. This is the kind of behavior that just might instill confidence in our political leaders once more.

Tell me again why Arnold can’t be POTUS? And don’t use the citizen thing…Barry already broke that rule. 

Credit to Tim Redmond at the SFBG

Church Of Scientology Busted For Fraud In France

October 27, 2009

A Paris court fined the church 900k for fraud. The court stated that the church pressured its members to give large amounts of money for questionable financial gain. The original complaint arose when a member of the church quit and wanted her money back. 

How funny is this? What makes it particularly amusing is that you can pretty much substitute any church denomination and get the same results. Sure, most call it “tithing” but, let’s face it, a spade is a spade. When you quit the Catholic church, do you get your money back? Didn’t think so. 

The judge stated that the church was “obsessed” with monetary gain and their practices were aimed at putting members into a “state of subjection”. Dude, maybe you should hop a bus to Italy and take a look at the Vatican. Now that’s a group that is obsessed with monetary gain. As for the “state of subjection” charge, what church would pass that litmus test? 

Don’t get me wrong, Scientology seems to be full blown crazy. But, from my point of view, so is every other established religion I can think of. I realize no one really gives a crap about the French because that country has gone to hell in a hand basket. Still, the precedent has been set. Wait until the Jews line up outside of their Synagogue asking for a refund. Rabbi Rabinowitz is not going to be a happy camper. 

I hope when L Ron Hubbard comes back from the big rocket ship in the sky, he points his photon torpedos at the French first. Granted, the odds are pretty slim that L Ron will be showing up anywhere ever but, you have to admit, it would be pretty damned funny. Tom Cruise could be the new king and any guy over 5’ 5” would have to have his legs shortened so Tom would tower over them. The women can be tall because Tom is cool with that. 

tom cruise

(Tom says, “The power of Tannerleah compels you! The power of Tannerleah compels you!)

A word of advice to all of my religious friends out there. Stop giving money to your respective churches immediately. You are putting them in danger of being charged with fraud and you wouldn’t want to be the reason that TD Jakes or Joel Osteen gets put in the slammer, would you? 

Instead, send your money directly to me. I personally think 10% is kind of low but do what your heart tells you to do. I will then “reallocate” the money to the various organizations without their solicitation. Kind of like how the US Treasury operates. Your churches will still be funded, minus an administration fee, and no one can be accused of fraud or intimidation. I know…you are thinking, “You are the awsomest TL”. I do it because I care. Now stop reading and start filling up my PayPal account. Do it for the children.

Hotel Owner Tells Workers To Speak English!

October 26, 2009

Larry Whitten knows what it takes to whip a failing hotel into shape. He has over 40 years in the hotel industry and has a reputation of taking hotels that are struggling financially and turning them around. 

What is his secret? Upgrading the appliances? Refurnishing the rooms? Nope. His secret is to get Hispanic workers to a) stop speaking Mexican and b) giving them good “white” names. So, for instance, Rafael is now known as Ralph. Jesus is now known as, well, Jesus. (Ok…that’s probably not a good example). 

Naturally, the Hispanic workers at his hotel are throwing a fit over these new rules. They say that they have every right to speak Mexican if they want. They also insist that they have a right to use their given name; regardless of how difficult it is for Anglo’s to pronounce. 

Larry probably should have known he was going to have trouble simply due to the fact that his hotel is located in Taos, New MEXICO! (As if Old Mexico just wasn’t large enough to hold everyone). Apparently, the locals are a bunch of tree huggers and support the illegal immigrants. And let’s be honest. If you work at a hotel or in an orchard of any type, you are illegal. 

I can remember when we went through this with black people. Remember how they came over here with those hard to pronounce names like Mandingo and Kunta Kinte? Remember how we squashed the crap out of that immediately and gave them names like Paul and Toby? That’s the America I know and love. We then had normal names for almost 200 years. Hell, the Jacksons were hugely famous with regular names. (Except Tito. I don’t know what the hell happened there). 

Sure, there has been some backlash and we are back to crazy names for the black folks. Names like Shaniqua, Kanye, Barack. (All of which fail spell check). Still, they speak English and even gave up on trying to make Ebonics a real language. 

This is what our Hispanic friends need to do. Embrace their whiteness and rename themselves after 60’s TV stars. (The only exception being Beaver). Then, learn to speak American! I was shopping in Miami one time and ALL of the people were speaking gibberish. I yelled, “Hey Mexicans! Speak English!” They started flapping their arms, like they do, but continued speaking Mexican because they obviously knew no English. 

Some of this is our fault. When we white people sing “La Bamba” and “Feliz Navidad”, we are only encouraging this type of lawless behavior. Look, if Salma Hayek can speak American, by God, everyone else can too. (Insert gratuitous Salma Hayek photo).  

salma hayek

Global Warming Is A Hoax

October 23, 2009

Or, perhaps it is not. I need someone to tell me what to think. I know this runs contrary to my request to be left alone to make decisions for myself but there is only so much time in any given day. I suspect to really know the truth, I would have to read a bunch of stuff and interpret graphs. Not gonna happen. 

A new poll says that 57% of Americans believe in global warming. While this seems like a pretty good percentage, the number of believers is actually decreasing. I would like to go with the majority but, I am not sure if these people can be trusted. 

Anecdotally, there have been really hot and really cold days recently. So, from my own personal experience, I could make a case either way. As to the ice caps melting and all that crap, I don’t get out of the country much so I don’t know what is going on. Tree huggers say they are shrinking, everyone else says they are growing. 

Al Gore seems to have done a lot of work on this subject but I don’t think that someone that really believes in global warming would own a big house or be fat. If Al looked like a 125 pound hippie living in a tent, he would be much more likely to get my vote. (Same goes for Bono although he does not have the fat issue. Still, how much energy is wasted making those huge glasses he wears? He doesn’t really give a shit). 

T Boone Pickens used to believe and bought all of those damned windmills to prove his point. Then he realized that Americans will NEVER give up SUV’s and consumption and just as quickly jumped off of the bandwagon. I don’t know what Barry thinks because he is still mulling it over. I think if New York City goes underwater; he might just be ready to make a stance…maybe. 

I wish Dubya or Cheney were still in charge because I always knew that they could be trusted to tell me the truth. Now, I have no one. Well, maybe Michael Moore but, again, he has the fat man issue. 

The bottom line is that I need one of you to tell me which way to go on this. I know that I am one of the few people in the world that has not studied this issue in depth so I know I can trust your opinions. If you have stories of how you put an egg on the sidewalk and it either froze or fried, that would be helpful. Also, if I end up either believing or not believing global warming, you need to tell me how to behave. For instance, if I don’t believe, should I buy a Hummer? (And I don’t mean the good kind). If I do believe, should I cover my house in tin foil to trap the escaping radiation generated by using a variety of Axe products? I am so confused. 

Your help is greatly appreciated. TL

global warming

Atheists Are Starting To Get On My Nerves

October 21, 2009

I wrote a piece awhile ago about some Brits that were running an atheist bus campaign. (There’s probably no God). I thought it was funny and about time someone stuck it to the religious zealots of the world. 

Today, I come across a similar story about ads promoting atheism in New York subways. By my count, this is no less than the 10th such campaign held in the U.S. over the last year. As with any good joke, after about the third time you hear it, you really don’t want to hear it anymore. Here is the New York ad.


Really? This is what you are going to use to convince people that atheism is legit? If you change “without” to “with”, you have a standard poster for any large religious group around. I thought atheists were the smart ones? Surely, they could come up with something a little more clever, no? 

My main problem with this is that some atheists seem to now think that their belief is the equivalent of a religious movement. It is not. Religious folks are zealots because the Bible tells them that this is one of their core jobs. Bug the crap out of people until they cave in and convert. They can’t help themselves. This is why you have skyscraper crosses and a highway system littered with “Got Jesus” signs…it is in their collective DNA. 

Atheism is not under any obligation to enlighten the masses. In fact, if anything, it should discourage the lemming-think that is so prevalent in religion. Critical thinking is an individual process and allows each person to come to their own conclusions based on the evidence at hand. Whether that is consistent with someone else’s point of view is irrelevant. 

Here is the bottom line for all of the group thinkers of the world. I don’t care about your political, social, religious, or lifestyle choices. (As well as any other choice you can think of). I fully support your right to be whatever the hell you want to be as long as you just don’t try to convert me. Yes, I know you have a “Secret”. Keep it to yourself. 

Am I trying to stifle your point of view? Absolutely not. After all, what would I have to write about in my blog if I couldn’t mock and belittle the positions of others? Christ, I live for that stuff. I am just asking for the arm twisting and “My God’s better than your God” stuff to settle down. (Even if my God is totally better than your God). 

To this end, I am starting a new organization. It is called the “PTL Club” (PTL = Praise TannerLeah). There are no rules or membership fees. You don’t need to sign up or do anything to join. In fact, by doing absolutely nothing, you are already a member. My first and only order to you is to stop trying to convince other people why you are right and they are wrong. Now go forward, my people, and spread my seed…so to speak.

Best Job Ever – Self Help Guru

October 20, 2009

I was reading the story about the people that were killed or injured in a sweat lodge incident recently. First, I had to figure out what the hell a sweat lodge was. Then, once I knew, I needed to understand why the hell anyone would go in one. 

The answer is simple. They went into the mini hell like environment to test their mental and physical boundaries. Why did they feel compelled to test these boundaries? Because a wicked awesome self help guru convinced them that this was a really, really good idea. 

Oh wait…it gets better. Before you can enjoy the sweat lodge experience, you get to spend 36 hours in the woods participating in a “vision quest”. And here is what seals the deal for me. To enjoy these awesome events, you merely have to pony up something just north of $9000. 

Is this not the greatest scam of all time? You folks can hate the Wall Street guys but these self help dudes are seriously bringing home the bacon. Sure, the guy made a crappy sweat lodge and damned near killed everyone but he is a guru…not a freaking masonry expert. He has already said he was sorry. Besides, he didn’t make 60 people sit in there and boil like lobsters. They chose to do it. And paid for the privilege! 

You may be wondering how you can get in on one of these sojourns. It’s simple, really. Go to the James Arthur Ray website and select one of his many “Journey of Power Experiences”. In fact, if you sign up now, you can go to the exact same place that just killed and hurt all of these people. That’s right. Jim is having the same meeting again a year from now. Presumably, someone else will be in charge of building the sweat lodge. For him to offer this trip fresh on the heels of such a tragedy is refreshing. He is moving full steam ahead because, by God, that is probably what the deceased would have wanted. 

If you don’t have $9000 to pay to have someone leave you in the woods or cause you physical harm, I have an alternative. The Tannerleah “Love Life!” seminar will be taking place next month in Jersey City, NJ. For a mere $5000, you will be dropped off at a mall where you will wonder around aimlessly for 24 hours. This will help you find your inner self. You will then be taken to the seediest part of town where you will likely be assaulted. The pain you feel will make you feel alive as the adrenaline rushes through your body. Lastly, because even I know that sweat lodges are dangerous, you will be taken to the 6th St. Men’s Sauna. There, gays and the elderly will rub up against you incessantly until you are tingling from head to toe. 

If you are miserable because your success has made you feel guilty and you need someone to beat it out of you, my “Love Life!” seminar is just for you. Please sign up today as space is limited*. 

*Terms and Conditions – Payment is due in full prior to event. The Tannerleah Ministry cannot be held accountable for any “mishaps” and your payment effectively waives all legal rights you may have. Tannerleah strongly encourages all participants to bring their current will and be prepared to alter it as the spirit moves you to do. The “Love Life” seminar is not available in CT, CA, MA, or any other litigious states. The Tannerleah Ministry is a subsidiary of Shady Ass Corp.

Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License

October 16, 2009

Well it’s about damned time! Finally, someone out there shows some common sense about mixed race relationships. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, LA refused to issue a marriage license to a black man and white woman. His primary reason for doing so was because he believes offspring form these couples “suffer” in today’s society. 

Now before you go all tree hugger and label Keith a racist, take a minute to learn his position on people of color in general. First of all, he states that he has “piles and piles of black friends”. Does that sound like something a racist would say? Do YOU have piles and piles of black friends? Didn’t think so. He also says that he allows black people in his home and allows them to use his bathroom. When is the last time you let a black man pee in your toilet? Granted, Keith will still not let the blacks use his pool and they have to drink from the garden hose in the back yard but, other than those things, it’s all good. 

As far as his charge that mixed race kids are suffering, I will just have to take his word for it. I seriously doubt he would just lie about such a thing. However, this is not the only group of people suffering from these hybrid children. Have you stopped for even a moment to consider how confusing this is becoming to our racist population? There was a time when they could tell whether you were black or white from just peeking out of the trailer window 30 feet away. Now you almost have to get right up on people to figure out whether you are supposed to hate them or not. 

Halle Berry

See what I mean? How is an avowed racist supposed to hate Halle Barry when she has so many awesome white features? This may very well be leading to the significant decline in race hating groups in America. Can you imagine an America without racism? That’s one of our oldest traditions. You might as well kill all of the bald eagles and never serve apple pie again. 

Here’s another problem. Do you remember when it was ok to be a proud, black man? Black men were virile and almost all of them could run the 100 meters in under 11 seconds. Plus, their penises were truly magnificent. (If you can’t remember this, rent Mandingo). Anyway, now that the white man’s limp, tiny penis blood is being mixed in, all of those good traits are going away. For Christ’s sake, Morgan Freeman has freckles! How far has the black man fallen? 

So congrats to you Keith for trying to keep it real and keeping the “real” America alive. If God wanted black mixed with white he would have made Mexico. (He didn’t…Satan did). Now if you will excuse me, I need to go iron my confederate flag and work on the underpinning of my mobile home.

Wanted: New Parents For Balloon Boy

October 15, 2009

Regardless of which, if any, parts of this story are true, can we agree that the Balloon Boy and his siblings would be better off basically anywhere else? The parents are ridiculous media whores and have already made it clear that they will do pretty much anything to gain notoriety…whether it is at the expense of their children or not.

Good Lord, they named the little idiot Falcon. How much more proof do you need that they are completely irresponsible and incompetent? Beyond that, they are not sure whether a helium filled balloon in their back yard could have possibly been untied by a 6 year old. I can tell you with pure confidence that the 20 foot balloon in my backyard can only be untethered by an adult…a wily one at that.

Of course the police helped these idiots put on a great show. Never really occurred to anyone to scour the house first? The “let’s see if he is flying across Colorado” plan seemed like a better place to start? Awesome. You can bet that OJ will be moving to Colorado as soon as he gets out of jail. The media did their usual job of playing along and making it as dramatic as possible. God, if only TMZ could have captured that magical shot of a 6 year old falling 7000 from the sky. Pure gold!

I was going to post something about the parent that sold their kid for a cockatoo and $150 but I just can’t take it anymore. Whenever I am pretty sure I have reached the bottom of the bad parenting barrel, some other douche monkey swoops in and lowers the bar even more. All for the sake of either another hit of crack or the possibility of a reality show. I will have to aggressively channel surf to avoid seeing anymore about these idiots as they will no doubt be all over the place.

My only hope is that someone with a lick of sense from child protective services takes a long hard look at this situation. While this is all good fun and high times for momma and poppa nutball, once again, the kids are getting the short end of the stick. The Jacksons, Gosselins…hell, even Leave it to fu**in’ Beaver have been used like drug mules all for the entertainment of adults.

If there is a God, and there isn’t, He will find a way to stick these useless parents in their homemade balloon 20,000 feet in the air. We will then give Kanye a rifle and all of the bullets he needs to bring it down. Now THAT would be good entertainment.