Would It Kill Terrorists To Shave?

Here is one of the many questions that keep me up at night. Why do terrorists insist on looking like terrorists? I mean, where is the training on disguises or blending into the local community? 

The latest alleged terrorist to be arrested is Najibullah Zazi. Here is a photo of Naj.

Already, without him uttering a word, I can tell he is probably guilty. Why? Because he is wearing that scruffy looking beard that all terrorists wear. I could see if he was hiding out in an Amish community but this look just isn’t going to work in the rest of the country. He might as well be wearing batteries and wires taped to his chest. Guilty, guilty, guilty. 

Beyond the look, of course, is the unpronounceable name. Wouldn’t it behoove just one of these guys to change their name to Bob Smith or Joe West? You know…at least make a tiny effort to hide their roots? But no, they just collect the vowels and move straight ahead. 

Now, for all I know, Naj is totally innocent of the charges against him. However, due to his name and the fact that he is wearing a goat beard, I am going to have to vote against him. (Oh, and the bomb making paperwork in his car kind of works against him too). 

To be fair, however, Naj does have his fair share of supporters. His aunt, Rabia, gave an iron clad reason for her nephew’s innocence. She said, “He doesn’t have time. He’s working.” How do you plan on overcoming that bit of hard core information Mr. Prosecutor? It’s not going to be quite as easy as you thought it was, is it? 

My guess is that the terrorists must not have cartoons in their country. If so, they would know what every American kid knows by the age of 5. If you are going to set up a trap or make a bomb, you first buy a disguise kit from ACME. Then, once you have thoroughly fooled everyone, you do your dirty deed. 

There was a reason that they didn’t pick fat chicks to be on Charlie’s Angels. You can’t go undercover as a model or roller skater if you are pushing 350 pounds. (That’s 100 kilos in foreign weight). Al Qaeda would be well served to watch a little American TV before trying anymore shenanigans.


21 Responses to Would It Kill Terrorists To Shave?

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    The kabob beard orts and baba ghanoush shirt stains are also a dead giveaway. I concur with TL, by sporting a shave, a Filet-O-Fish and a new moniker (with a slight modification Naji-bullah can become “Billy”), he could give the illusion he was assimilating. At least until he opened his mouth to shout “Allah Akbar!”

  2. How come I don’t have a beard yet still get probed every time I fly internationally?

  3. Donald Mills says:

    Very funny post Tannerleah.

    It’s true of course – and if he really wants to fit in he could just shave the beard into a soul patch, don a pink polo with a popped collar and tattoo some japanese lettering on his neck.

    If he got the right sunglasses, attitude and untwisted a couple Smirnoff Ice, he’d blend in damned well.

  4. yorksnbeans says:

    Yea, but TL, this way he gets to give the entire Muslim population a bad rap.

  5. People out there will continue to make contradictory arguments under the assumption that are making one coherent point. Observe:

    1. Stereotypes aren’t funny.
    2. It’s funny cause it’s true.

    You cannot use both these sentences seriously and then get all indignant and head-waving when someone like TL posts something like this (especially TL).

    Presumably they don’t change their looks or habits because they’re afraid the thousands of virgins waiting for them in the afterlife won’t recognize them and thus deny them the chance to be awkwardly groped and manhandled with all the skill and enthusiasm virgins typically display.

    “Is that Naj?”
    “No. Look, he has no beard or shirt stains.”
    “That color looks awful on him.”
    ” I am sure that is not Naj. His name tag says ‘Billiam.'”
    “Ohmigod. He’s drinking!”
    “That cannot be Naj. His neck has been befouled with an ancient curse. It appears to say, ‘This man has more money than brains’ in Japanese.”
    “That color of shirt is blinding. Billiam is probably looking for the other heaven. Somewhere over the rainbow.”
    “Is that a Zima? Are they still making that shit?”

    And etc.

    Excellent post, TL. I thought Kanye had thrown you off your game or was possibly declaring you were undeserving of a blog, but you’re behind the wheel again, with back-to-back posts.

    • tannerleah says:

      Thank you, CLT. I will admit, Kanye got me a little nervous as I thought he might steal my keyboard.

      How could I have missed the 1000 virgins? That explains everything. In fact, I will soon be sporting my own goat beard and wearing checkered shirts.

  6. nonnie9999 says:

    even if he did shave off the beard, the fact that he ends all his sentences with death to america! might still tip some people off.

  7. i say he stay the same way he is, because if the cops and lawful people are chasing him and his kind down they are finally given brothers a break…just saying…

  8. So, TL which side are you on? I kinda want him to stay all “terrorist-ista” looking, that way I know when to discriminate.
    I spend way alot of time with trim looking Rob and Will’s in their preppy pink shirts, having my backsides groped at the club. I want to be able to relax in that environment, not have to worry about whether there is something lurking under those madras plaids.
    Making snap judgments is difficult enough, I prefer to be quick and superficial, your plan would screw it all up.

    • tannerleah says:

      Well, now that CLT has reminded me of the 1000 virgins, I am definitely going terrorist. Maybe I will start small and just threaten my cat until I am more comfortable in my new role.

      And believe me, I am all for quick and superficial. Throw in shallow and stupid and you have described me to a tee.

  9. They already threw us off by flying airplanes…we Americans expected them to attack us on Magic Carpets.

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’m not sure if it really matters, but it is 72 virgins instead of 1000. Last year I posted the following list of 72 questions posed by Martin Bodek referencing the 72 mythical virgins Muslim martyrs believe will await them (Jew Heaven, on the other hand, offers a meet-and-greet with Barbra Streisand, ‘authentic’ bagels from Brooklyn and your taxes done for free).

    72 Questions about the 72 Virgins (Redux):

    1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
    2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
    3) If he’s gay, does he get male virgins?
    4) What if he’s celibate? What does he get?
    5) What if he hasn’t reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
    6) If he’s bi, does he get 36 of each?
    7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
    8)) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a ménage-a-soixante-deux?
    9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
    10) What if he’s ugly or smells bad and the virgins don’t want anything to do with him?
    11) Is there Viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
    12) Is there an age of consent?
    13) When they’re deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they “born again”?
    14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
    15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
    16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they’re not satisfied?
    17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
    18) What if the bomber’s into animals? Does he get accommodated?
    19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
    20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
    21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
    22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
    23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
    24) If he’s a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
    25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
    26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
    27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond’s home run record?
    28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
    29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn’t go off?
    30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
    31) If she’s a lesbian, do they “convert” the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
    32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
    33) If so, are there 72 available?
    34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
    35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
    36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
    37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
    38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
    39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine’s Day?
    40) If he’s monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
    41) What if he doesn’t like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
    42) Eternity is long, and eventually he’ll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
    43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
    44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor’s virgins?
    45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
    46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she’s unhappy?
    47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks “Does this Burka make me look fat?”
    48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
    49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
    50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn’t know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
    51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
    52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
    53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
    54) Wouldn’t it be interesting if they’re virgins because they’re ugly?
    55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
    56) Wouldn’t it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
    57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
    58) When he gets home, does he have to say “How was your day?” to all 72 virgins?
    59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
    60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
    61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
    62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
    63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
    64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
    65) Is the bomber entitled to substitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
    66) What if all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put the bomber together again?
    67) Is “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” a valid excuse in paradise?
    68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
    69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
    70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you’re dead?
    71) Do Siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
    72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

  11. art vandelay says:

    I don’t like flying with anyone that looks slightly terrorist-like. But then again, I’m a racist and part of an angry mob.

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