Pepsi Is For Gay People

I learned this valuable bit of information from the Bell Shoals Baptist church in Brandon, FL. I always thought that Pepsi tasted a little wimpy. Now I know why. The church has banned all Pepsi products so that a) they are not supporting such an unworthy cause and b) no gay rubs off on them.

Church Member Terri “don’t even think I’m gay because of the way I spell my name” Kemple says he convinced the church to join the boycott because, “Pepsi is advocating for the normalization of homosexual behavior in our culture.”

Thank goodness the good folks at Bell Shoals brought this to my attention. I have been drinking a lot of Pepsi lately and, frankly, was feeling a little light in my loafers…if you know what I mean. (Ok, I don’t really know what that saying means either).

Anyway, the new clear winner for my soft drink dollar is Coca Cola. I went to their website to look for manly things to do when, to my horror, I ran across this paragraph relating to the workers at Coke:

The Coca-Cola Gay and Lesbian Forum fosters an equitable work environment where gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) employees can feel a sense of community within our Company.

Are you kidding me!!! Coke is run by the gays too?!?! What the fu** am I supposed to drink if I don’t want to go gay? You know that gayness just drips into the product every time one of the gays touch it.

Remarkably, it even gets worse. Coca Cola has bastardized their logo to embrace the gay culture.

gay coke 

Is this my America anymore? And what the hell is GLBT? It sounds like a sandwich. And what is a transgender? Is that when they have half of the stuff of a man and half of a woman? Kind of like an earthworm?

I am absolutely shocked and saddened by this turn of events. I live for carbonated soft drinks and now I am guess I am supposed to go with the generic brands. But who is to say they are not also made by the gays? Or worse…Eskimo’s and little people. Ewwww…

We need to wake up America. Pretty soon our shoes and clothes will be made by children in 3rd world countries (and probably gay children, at that!) Our cars and appliances are already made by the little Asian people in Hawaii.

Where the hell are the manly men that used to make all of this stuff and chew tobacco and smack their women and children around? This is this! I am coming unhinged at the seams. Anyone know a good, straight seamstress?

This explains why my brothers drink gin and juice and Kool-Aid.


30 Responses to Pepsi Is For Gay People

  1. kevin john says:

    That’s why I NEVER drink Coke or Pepsi, Just Red Bull!! Have you ever seen a chick drink RB? Mixing it with Liqueur doesn’t count. Any sissy can do that.

    Nothing like a good Germanic drink to give you enough pep that would make the Viagra makers blush.

    Amsterdam: Here I come!!!

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I agree with kevin john; Red Bull is about as manly a drink as you can get. After reflecting on soft drinks, it seems more are ghey than not ghey.

    Ghey: Welch’s, Sunkist, Sprite, Squirt, 7Up, Mello Yellow, and Fresca (possibly the gheyest)

    Not ghey: Mountain Dew, Jolt, Barq’s, Crush, and all energy drinks

    Metrosexual: Dr. Brown’s, ginger ale, diet drinks

    Bottoms up!

  3. nonnie9999 says:

    no worried, tannerleah. to be a real man, you can drink anything you want. just make sure you drink it from a dirty glass.

  4. Mountain Dew, motherfuckers.

    How straight is it?

    So frickin’ straight that they don’t even need most of their vowels anymore.

    My beverage of choice has come a long way from its formative years as some sort of “Moonshine NA” for hillbillies.

    From inbreeding to extreme sports and more short-lived flavors than Smirnoff Ice, MTN DEW is the go-to beverage for the discriminating non-gay.

    From the latest advertising:

    “MTN DEW. Bursts of mouth-filling flavor and a caffeine rush that kicks like a weeklong amyl-bender. Get some today.”


  5. nursemyra says:

    I hope you cut your hair at home Tannerleah. ALL hairdressers are gay and the minute they touch your scalp all that gayness flows straight into your brain. After that it’s only a matter of minutes before your loafers sprout wings. Unless you drink the Red Bull antidote of course

  6. Tell your brothers that Kool-aid is made by Kraft who also support gay and lesbian causes.

  7. bschooled says:

    My Mom drank a lot of Pepsi when she was pregnant, so I hope I didn’t turn gay by osmosis. I mean, I haven’t noticed any symptoms so far, but if I am that would totally suck.

    Imagine not having the right to decide if you were gay or not…

  8. I wouldn’t sweat it, bschooled. They’ve got religions that can fix gay.

  9. bschooled says:

    Hopefully it’s not this church-

    I tend to get a little mouthy while I’m getting the gay out of my system.

  10. Kool-Aid, is gay..unless you drink purple or red. all the other colors are gay.
    what about all these commercials coming out saying its not okay to call something or someone “gay” wtf is that about?
    i was chilling with my dogs the other day sipping on some syrup when one of my homies was acting a fool, i simply said “stop being gay, fool” and he got all offensive and was like the term gay is no longer politically correct if you are using it to mean stupid. is it possible to catch gay if you use the term gay politically incorrect?
    i myself stick to water for the most part, but don’t worry water can be gay too, especially if it’s in one of those fancy bottles. of course i also like energy drinks such as red bull, and full throttles, is root beer gay?
    i am bisexual so i feel as though i can speak for the 50 percent of gay people out there, when i say that you can safely drink your soda’s and stuff, we prefer to send our gayness to you through osmosis, and mind control. also we have other foods out there that we are specifically putting our gayness in, like Pop-tarts, and Go-gurt, and cheese…we are everywhere.

    • tannerleah says:

      Pop Tarts are gay? My God, I must be quite the flamer.

      So, to summarize, you are 1/2 black and 1/2 gay? So, you are white when you are gay and black when you are straight? I am getting a headache…

      • exactly. see let me explain to you..when i am half black i am straight and gangsta..i don’t eat no gay food, and i’ve gotta repasent my hood, nahmean? when i am half gay i am white and i pronounce all my words, and i use spell check, and i wear penny loafers, and i say phrases like “cool beans” and “totally, for sure” did i also mention to you that i am Jewish, and half puerto rican? maybe my gayness is from my half Puerto Rican side? i am getting a headache.

  11. Wow says:

    This is hilarious! I have never seen so many ignorant people in my life. Note that the author of the article, along with several of the respondents, asks question, after question, after question. You people need to go get an education. Learn things! And maybe pick up some grammar skills while you’re at it.

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      Well, I never!

    • tannerleah says:

      Wow – you have NEVER seen so many idiots? Ever? You need to go to a monster truck rally, church, or convention full of Republicans or Democrats.

      I have some more questions. If I mix Pepsi with Red Bull, would I come out only bi-sexual? Why are gay men like George Clooney and Meryl Streep attractive but lesbian women like Rosie and Ellen not? Is using the term “douche monkey” grammatically correct? Seems like you probably shouldn’t use nouns back to back like that.

      Thanks for your help, TL

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