I Hate / Love Soccer Moms

posh soccer

As you all know, I have very conflicted feelings about soccer moms. On the one hand, I truly admire that they have sold their bodies and souls to the highest bidder. This is fundamentally sound business and I always appreciate sound business.

Sure, some of the guys they have to lie under night after night look like Ed Asner, but so what? They have a nice home, 2.3 children, “help” around the house, and no damned job. What’s not to love?

Here’s what is not to love. During the daytime hours, when they are not under their fat, bald husbands, they are everywhere! I had today off so I went to run a few errands. I spent the entire day surrounded by soccer moms. They are all in SUV’s or vans and generally have blond hair, big boobs, and some sort of orange-ish, brownish color to them.

But TL, you say, this sounds like a good problem, no? Eye candy for you to feast your eyes on all day. What’s the problem? Here’s is the problem. When you are around them, as much as you might try to avoid it, you will hear them speak. This is when my Stepford world comes crashing down around me.

Don’t get me wrong…I like dumb people. I am one of them. But this is a special kind of stupid. Almost like a chemically induced stupid. It could be their meds or it could be the peroxide seeping into their brains, I just don’t know. It just drives me crazy.

For instance, pulling up to the drive through and literally having no clue what you are going to have to eat. Then, 5 minutes later, you hear them ask, “What kind of fish is the Filet-O-Fish made of? Does it have a lot of carbs?” I strangle the steering wheel as it takes every ounce of self control not to get out of my car and pummel them right then.

But it doesn’t stop there. In any line I am in, they are chock full of stupid questions. “Is the higher or lower the SPF better?” (That’s not even a real question!) “Is there a lot of pulp in this orange juice?” she asks holding the “pulp-free” carton of OJ.   

I am so conflicted. How can something so pretty to look at be so painful to listen to? Maybe ugly people ask the same dumb questions but, since they are ugly, I am not paying any attention to them in the first place. I suppose I could wear my IPod around all day and just fantasize that they are asking really relevant questions.

Or, maybe pretty stupid people should be forced to walk around with duct tape over their mouth. This would prevent them from ever again saying, “That’s a mute point”. Of course, those beautiful Sarah Palin lips would not be on display and that would bum me out.

Pretty soccer moms of the world, please do me a favor. When you see me coming, stop talking and just look beautiful. Let me have a nice quiet party in my pants for a few shining moments. Once I am gone, ask away about healthcare reform, taxes, schools, and any other subject you are woefully ill informed about.

Wow, it feels good to have my misogynist side in full force today.


28 Responses to I Hate / Love Soccer Moms

  1. Quiet party in my pants for a few shining moments? Ummm, I think you could go buy some ‘soccer mom’ Halloween masks and go find a brillant woman, she’ll be ugly I’m guessing, flatchested and full of lumpy fat.. but you can pretend …..

  2. bschooled says:

    I feel for you, TL.

    And I hope you told those busty little dumb-ass broads that it depends whether or not they add tartar sauce.

    (without-39g, with-41g)

  3. Bill Reed says:

    A friend of mine, a Wiccan and a bit on the “Granola” side, talked to me of her anger that the rest of the “Coven” was accusing her of becoming a “Soccer Mom.” I can see the Coven’s point … she had bought a minivan and spent all her time running her kids around and home schooling them, but it did upset her. After trying various ways out (lesbian affair, etc.), she finally found a job as a college instructor, found a Buddhist boy friend, put her kids in public school and dropped her husband. Luckily all this happened before she bleached her hair. Last I heard all was well and her escape was for good. (I don’t really know because communication with me was also part of the makeover.) 🙂

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    oh please pummel then, tannerleah. maybe then i’ll be able to drive without having to swerve to avoid them when they’re busy driving, talking on their cellphones, fixing their makeup, and smacking their kids around in the back seat all at the same time. maybe they should have their own designated lanes. instead of hov–high occupancy vehicles, their minivans and suvs can be called hmv–high maintenance vehicles.

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I consider myself as far from a soccer mom as one can possibly get, yet, I never neglect to inquire whether the fish is “farmed or wild” when ordering out and am clueless whenever going through a drive-thru (had to Google spelling of ‘drive-thru’ as it is a yearly foray). I know, I know, people like me should go INSIDE and hold up the line there with my ‘questions’ and ‘menu deciphering’. But, as you already surmised, I’m wearing pajama bottoms and slippers and am in no condition to leave the car. I suppose you can think of me as a very burned out female version of a frazzled Hunter S. Thompson (recovery by virtue of disability). Grant us succor from soccer moms.

  6. nursemyra says:

    what does it take to give you a noisy party in your pants?

  7. NobblySan says:

    OK, TL,

    Time take your mind off orange painted bimbos, and concentrate on something that Yorksnbeans reckons you should be made aware of:-


  8. yorksnbeans says:

    I have to ask this very important question, TL, now that you admit to being turned off by stupidity. Why in the f*ck did you get a hard on for Princess Sarah????

  9. yorksnbeans says:

    That should not have been “did” but “do”.

  10. yorksnbeans says:

    Oh, right, almost forgot….yes, do check out Nob’s link TL…there’ a hot babe out there looking for her son’s dad. Chances are, he’s yours! 😉

  11. So many soccer moms have wandered to this site in their daily browsing and wandered away less informed and more confused than ever.


  12. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Capitalist, when I see that you have posted, I experience the phenomenon of ‘anticipatory laughter’. I’m halfway through a visceral guffaw before I even start reading…

  13. […] finest source for booze-powered cynicism. Tannerleah takes on a variety of topics including soccer moms, John Gosselin, Randy Quaid’s stick-up techniques and pretty much anything else that reeks of […]

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