What Kind Of Talent Does One Need To Be A DJ?

After reading about the death of DJ AM, (which was an obvious outcome if you have seen Final Destination), I became curious as to how one gets into this line of work. 

Radio DJ’s have been around for a long time but club DJ’s are relatively new. The ones that spin platters at strip clubs, my friends tell me, at least have the job of introducing the stripper so I can see why they are needed. 

But what does someone like Sam Ronson do? Does she chit chat with the audience? If so, what does she say and who the hell would want to listen to her in the first place? Does she “scratch” like Grandmaster Flash? I don’t think so because she is a white girl. So exactly what is it? 

To my knowledge, to break into the DJ world, you need to have a turntable or two. I’ve got that. Then, you need to have a wicked pisser record collection. I’ve also got that. Probably you should have a sound system with some big speakers. My Jensens more than fit the bill. There you have it…you are now officially a DJ. 

Here is a photo of my travelling kit:

my kit

 

With all of the equipment in hand, I guess you have to take requests. I suppose you are even supposed to play crappy songs like “Safety Dance” and “Mmm Bop”. (Ok, I am kidding about Mmm Bop…that song is the shizzle). What else is there at this point? 

When I am “DJ’ing” a party at my house, I try to make sure the tunes keep everyone pumped up. (True, those of you who know me know that I don’t have parties but I am trying to tell a story so stay with me). I hit people with some Barry White before having them do gay party songs. YMCA anyone? 

Is this what DJ AM and his peers do? If so, is there any reason I can’t do it? The young folks love me because they can catch an easy contact high off of me plus I am down with the latest groovy tunes. I can bring my milkshake to the yard if you know what I mean. 

If any of you are looking for a DJ that has some slammin’ Osmond albums, just shoot me an e-mail. I can perform at almost any function except those where clowns will be present. I have a mirror ball that can also be rented at a reasonable price. We will party likes it’s 1999!

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21 Responses to What Kind Of Talent Does One Need To Be A DJ?

  1. delicate flower says:

    Oh, sweetie! You are too white! and that turn-table, if that’s what you call that thing? You ain’t gonna cut it, I’m sure. But, if you’d like to come and stand around in your white dinner jacket at my next party and just look sexy, I might hire you!

  2. yorksnbeans says:

    I don’t know TL…that lingo of yours needs some work.

  3. Donald Mills says:

    Sounds good lad.

    If there’s any way we can make a few adjustments and party like it’s 1959 I may just have a job for you at the senior centre’s Halloween dance. It’s from 4:30 until 7 p.m. so you’d need to be prepared for a late night.

    Let me know. We have a $40 budget for the whole affair but I managed to get a fair amount of cheese donated so there should be lots left over for entertainment.

    p.s. If you play your cards right, you might even be able to get some “bonus pay” from Mildred Bustler. She’s a sucker for you show biz types and prone to drinking.

    All the best Tannerleah. Keep it fresh and keep it clean!

  4. This must be one of those examples of when you say you are “occasionally black”…

  5. I doubt you even need that much forethought into being a DJ AM-style DJ. DJ AM was a former member of one-hit wonders, Crazy Town.

    He was mostly known for his public flings with the likes of Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore. In short, AM was famous for fucking people famous for being famous. I would imagine this places him somewhere between Perez Hilton and Cynthia Plastercaster on the who’s-who of who-gives-a-shit.

    So, with a career built around providing dance music for wading pool parties, even the shallowest of people somehow are awarded depth by overdosing on drugs.

    As for the DJing advice:

    1. Fuck c-list starlets.
    2. More instructions here:
    http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/fancy-plans-presents-how-to-be-a-dj/

    • tannerleah says:

      Is Salma Hayak c-list? I would probably start with her. Also, taking advice from your instructions, my new name will be DJ Hunglikeadonkey. I think it is subtle yet informative.

      My speciality will be playing Barney songs backwards to capture their full satanic value.

      Thanks for the guidance!

  6. nonnie9999 says:

    talent is so 1998.

  7. elizabeth3hersh says:

    It was me who encouraged you to go into broadcasting as a teenager. Sorry you did not take that path as I can’t think of a more PERFECT job for you. You coulda been somebody…a contender!! At least you’re not a bum.

  8. Sweats Model says:

    I knew if I held on to my K-tel cd collections long enough, someone would want them!

    By the way, TL, I’m tagging you. So in between shagging starlets, have some fun with this…

    http://mamalonglegs.wordpress.com/2009/08/31/567/

  9. nursemyra says:

    you could ask my son about dj’ing…..

    http://www.jakekilby.com/

  10. bschooled says:

    Maybe you want to ease into the business by starting out as an Interpretive DJ. It’s a lot less work, and you don’t even need to invest in equipment.

    ps. I know what you mean about the “yard milkshakes”… although I haven’t actually started charging for mine yet. My motto is “First one’s always free”.

    (Now I just need some repeat customers)

    • tannerleah says:

      Never, never, never give the milk away for free when you have to buy the meat. Or, why buy the cow when you can get a milkshake which is much tastier? I love metaphors.

  11. […] brigade in mourning?" (Or words to that effect.) A further tip of the hat to Tannerleah over at Stop Annoying Me for bringing my annoyance with the past existence of DJ AM bubbling back to the […]

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