A Good Way To Get Out Of Work

We all go through it. We try to find a good excuse to get out of work. Usually, we say we are sick or some important emergency has suddenly popped up. These are decent excuses but they have been beaten to death over the years. 

Steven Reid of Aberdeen (which I think is in Africa) was feeling the work malaise one day and decided to do something about it. He wanted something unique and believable as an excuse to get out of the drudgery of his hotel cleaning job. 

So, on the way to another day of doldrums, a light bulb went off in young Steve’s head. Without hesitation, he pulled a razor out of his pocket (probably the kind that most of us carry with us everyday) and proceeded to rake it across his face several times. 

While this was impressive, Steve was not quite sure if this was good enough. So, ever the thinker, Steve picked up a boulder and started to hit himself in the head and body with it. After he was pretty banged up, he went to the police to say that he had been assaulted by two men. So far, so good. 

Sadly, shortly after the police began their investigation, Steve recanted his story and told the truth. As a deputy put it, “He was making his way to work and didn’t really much fancy going”. I would say that pretty much sums it up. 

Fortunately, Steve no longer needs to worry about going to a job he hates…he has since been terminated. (Although he is hopeful that they will bring him back. Keep hope alive, Steve!) 

Steve has had some time to consider his actions and summed up his decision this way. “Looking back, I should have just phoned work and asked them for the day off.” It is sad to see someone with the sheer genius of Steve have his spirit broken by “the man”. 

To top off his humiliation, Steve was fined 100 pounds for “wasting police time”. God, talk about kicking a guy when he is down. Wasn’t the razor to the face and rock to the head enough of a punishment?   

Personally, I was impressed by Steve’s story and have committed to raising the stakes the next time I need a day off. I am thinking of severing a few digits and maybe sticking a tree branch up my butt. This should earn me the sympathy of people with handicaps, tree lovers, and the gay community. If I play my cards right, I can see getting a parade out of the deal. 

Here’s to you, Steve. May you always find a rock in your path and a razor in your pocket. 

Is that a razor in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

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22 Responses to A Good Way To Get Out Of Work

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’m flummoxed–why didn’t he just play the swine flu card?

  2. bschooled says:

    What an idiot!

    I do admit there was this one time that I wanted to ditch work. So, instead of calling in sick, I just hit up the dodgiest strip club in town, sat in the parking lot and guzzled a 2-litre bottle of Gin, Hawaiian punch, fast-acting barbiturates and a couple of fen-phen (just to maintain that dehydrated, “I can feel my hip-bones” look I always have the morning after getting my party on).

    I then hurled myself in the back of a rusty old Chevy Cheyenne, praying I would wake up in the hospital hooked up to an IV and covered in torture wounds.

    Unfortunately, it turned out that the next day was actually Labor Day, and I’d gotten my weekends mixed up…

    But still, I would never cut my face. That’s just stupid.

    • so I am thinking the only reason you holed up at the strip club was in hopes that your boss would find you the next day and say you look like hell and should go home. Then it got me thinking…you are at a strip club so your boss could find you, so just admit it. you were once a stripper.

  3. You really gonna stick a tree branch up your ass? I can’t get past that one to even comment on the rest..
    Who is the man behind the martini glass? Clearly I need to read the book!!!!!

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    we really need to fix up ol’ steverino with that bitch who carved the backwards B on her face. can you say reality show?

  5. His plan was working so well. I think he hit himself one time too many and that’s what caused the brain damage that made him confess!

    • tannerleah says:

      Well, not to disparage his peers, but the guy cleans hotel rooms for a living. I am guessing that he was not an Oxford grad. (Although he could be a Devry grad).

  6. acesand8s says:

    Well…I wasn’t sure what the guy did for a living. But once I figured out he was in the UK, I knew he wasn’t a dentist.

    Aces

  7. Actually, just a couple of weeks ago I called in to work saying that I had “locked my keys in my car when I had gotten home the previous night and couldn’t get the spare key delivered from my Mom until the next morning,” which happened to be my day off. I didn’t even get any penalty points at work for that one but I had probably best not that that particular “story” again for quite a while.

    • tannerleah says:

      Good to see you, 1/2 demoness. Yes, I would try something more spicy. Like maybe your hair caught fire while shooting a Pepsi commercial. Oh wait, that one’s been used.

  8. Wow. He’s like a one-person “Fight Club.” Only without a valid point to make.

    Come to think of it, the origin of the “Fight Club” was a one-person, self-service asskickery.

    I’d be very concerned.

  9. womaninblack says:

    WILL YOU LOT STOP IT ABOUT THE TEETH?!
    Some of us in the UK have nice teeth – and some of those teeth aren’t even ones we keep in jar by the side of the bed.

    This man is from Aberdeen. Clubbing yourself in the head before a day at work is standard.

    • Aces n Eights says:

      You know what, you’re right. I apologize for the social stereotype. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean my gun and grab some McDonald’s before I head off to the health care rally. 😉

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Considering he is from Scotland, perhaps the police will offer him ‘compassionate release’ from having to pay that 100£ fine and his (morally generous) employer will find it in his heart to offer him ‘compassionate rehire’.

  11. Aberdeen is in Maryland, or well there is an Aberdeen in Maryland…
    i missed you tannerleah..i’ve been MIA lately but i think im back..

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