I wasn’t going to say anything but it seems that the custody battle for the children is getting a little out of control. Therefore, I should just tell the true story so that this mess can be resolved.
Mike and I are friends from way back in the day. Back in the early 80’s, I was staying with him at Neverland for a few weeks. I was single, as was he, and I thought that I would get to see a lot of action hanging out with my superstar friend.
How wrong I was. All he ever had over to the ranch was a bunch of kids. Nothing nefarious happened but I was bored to tears. One night, after getting a little loopy on Jesus Juice, I told Mike I was going to go rub one off.
He said, “Ewwww! Here, put it in this canister”. I won’t lie…I didn’t think anything about it, at the time. So, off to the bathroom I went. I looked through his magazine rack but all he had was coloring books. Luckily, he had a Jessica Rabbit coloring book which did the trick.
As soon as I was done, a little midget / small person / mini me grabbed the container and ran away with it. I just thought that the little guy was being fastidious. Now I realize that something much more insidious was going on.
Long story short, it is clear that Mike froze my love juice and used it to have the kids. I knew it as soon as I saw them. They have the exact same glazed, out of touch, the lights are on but nobody’s home gaze that I have. They have to be mine.
I have no desire to take custody of my children. Kathleen or whatever her name is can have them. Of course, I do think that I am entitled to a small stipend for my generous contribution. I suspect that something in the neighborhood of 4 to 5 million should do the trick. I have been calling Johnnie Cochran to represent me but he hasn’t returned my call yet. If he is not available, I will go with Matlock instead.
Sorry to steal the thunder from all of the other fake parents out there but enough is enough. By the way, I am also the father of Sarah Jessica Parker’s new kids and I think I got Sarah Palin pregnant a few times. I will cross those legal bridges when I get to them.
PS: Don’t even think of contacting me for a loan with all this cash that is coming my way.