I Am Probably The Father Of Michael Jackson’s Kids

I wasn’t going to say anything but it seems that the custody battle for the children is getting a little out of control. Therefore, I should just tell the true story so that this mess can be resolved. 

Mike and I are friends from way back in the day. Back in the early 80’s, I was staying with him at Neverland for a few weeks. I was single, as was he, and I thought that I would get to see a lot of action hanging out with my superstar friend. 

How wrong I was. All he ever had over to the ranch was a bunch of kids. Nothing nefarious happened but I was bored to tears. One night, after getting a little loopy on Jesus Juice, I told Mike I was going to go rub one off. 

He said, “Ewwww! Here, put it in this canister”. I won’t lie…I didn’t think anything about it, at the time. So, off to the bathroom I went. I looked through his magazine rack but all he had was coloring books. Luckily, he had a Jessica Rabbit coloring book which did the trick. 

As soon as I was done, a little midget / small person / mini me grabbed the container and ran away with it. I just thought that the little guy was being fastidious. Now I realize that something much more insidious was going on. 

Long story short, it is clear that Mike froze my love juice and used it to have the kids. I knew it as soon as I saw them. They have the exact same glazed, out of touch, the lights are on but nobody’s home gaze that I have. They have to be mine. 

I have no desire to take custody of my children. Kathleen or whatever her name is can have them. Of course, I do think that I am entitled to a small stipend for my generous contribution. I suspect that something in the neighborhood of 4 to 5 million should do the trick. I have been calling Johnnie Cochran to represent me but he hasn’t returned my call yet. If he is not available, I will go with Matlock instead. 

Sorry to steal the thunder from all of the other fake parents out there but enough is enough. By the way, I am also the father of Sarah Jessica Parker’s new kids and I think I got Sarah Palin pregnant a few times. I will cross those legal bridges when I get to them. 

PS: Don’t even think of contacting me for a loan with all this cash that is coming my way.

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14 Responses to I Am Probably The Father Of Michael Jackson’s Kids

  1. bschooled says:

    I can totally see it.

    From what I heard, Blanket has a total weakness for bow ties and ciggies…

  2. Bart says:

    Based on the boys’ names I had always assumed that the real father was O(+> (aka, the artist formerly known as Prince)and that Paris Hilton was the surrogate.

  3. Sweats Model says:

    Unless Cochran was buried with his cell phone, I don’t think he’ll be taking any calls,dear.

  4. yorksnbeans says:

    Sweats…obviously he’s been too busy to realize.

  5. I’m sick of Cochran’s shit. He always seemed kind of shifty, what with his habit of dying shortly after the retainer check was cashed.

    I thought the kids were to become property of Miss Diana Ross, LLC. I’m sure they’d be happier there, receiving some mental abuse as a welcome change of pace from all the physical abuse.

    • tannerleah says:

      I say give the kids to Joe. They aren’t quite old enough to appreciate good verbal abuse. They still need Rock ’em, Sock ’em Joe to punch their lights out now and then.

  6. nonnie9999 says:

    i don’t think that was a midget that ran off with your….um…..essence. it was probably bubbles the chimpy. i hear he’s been so depressed since jacko’s demise that he hasn’t flung poop since it happened. 😦

  7. OK…so this seems a long drown out post to hide the truth.

    You got drunk and slept with Debbie Rowe.

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