I realize there is going to be a lot of controversy regarding exactly who should sit on these panels but I think I am just the right guy.
First, you need someone that is not afraid to pull the trigger. I would gladly deny health benefits to the elderly and stupid. I can’t imagine that anyone in their right mind would want to waste our valuable resources on people that are going to die soon anyway or people too stupid to appreciate what they are getting.
Second, you can’t let emotions influence your decision making. As you all know, I am a bitter, emotionless person so this is really not an issue for me. I will shoot down Don’s request for a heart valve in the blink of an eye.
Also, this new health program has been labeled “evil”. I am more than happy to implement and enforce evil on an “as needed” basis. Unlike all of my religious friends out there, I am not worried about going to heaven or hell. (I leave that decision in the hands of the great and powerful Oz.) So, I can easily deny medical care for a young person with a lazy eye, for example.
Another thing I would be good at is approving all medical requests that would improve the looks of our society. That’s right…basically all boob jobs would be approved as would liposuction and face lifts. We should spend our money on important medical concerns. Not silly crap like should some guy get a second lung. Really dude, isn’t one enough?
Lastly, I would make sure that the money I help save by being on the Death Panel will be funneled into other important things. After seeing the success of “Cash for Clunkers”, for instance, I would institute the “Cash for Cleavage” program. I am also looking seriously at the “Cash for Crack” program to help our overweight brothers and sisters. (To be honest, I am more leaning toward the “Money for Meth” program.)
As you can see, I would be ideal for this position. The US would once again be a nation of healthy men surrounded by buxom, slender women. Isn’t that really what healthcare is all about?