I Should Be On The “Death Panel”

I realize there is going to be a lot of controversy regarding exactly who should sit on these panels but I think I am just the right guy. 

First, you need someone that is not afraid to pull the trigger. I would gladly deny health benefits to the elderly and stupid. I can’t imagine that anyone in their right mind would want to waste our valuable resources on people that are going to die soon anyway or people too stupid to appreciate what they are getting. 

Second, you can’t let emotions influence your decision making. As you all know, I am a bitter, emotionless person so this is really not an issue for me. I will shoot down Don’s request for a heart valve in the blink of an eye.   

Also, this new health program has been labeled “evil”. I am more than happy to implement and enforce evil on an “as needed” basis. Unlike all of my religious friends out there, I am not worried about going to heaven or hell. (I leave that decision in the hands of the great and powerful Oz.) So, I can easily deny medical care for a young person with a lazy eye, for example. 

Another thing I would be good at is approving all medical requests that would improve the looks of our society. That’s right…basically all boob jobs would be approved as would liposuction and face lifts. We should spend our money on important medical concerns. Not silly crap like should some guy get a second lung. Really dude, isn’t one enough? 

Lastly, I would make sure that the money I help save by being on the Death Panel will be funneled into other important things. After seeing the success of “Cash for Clunkers”, for instance, I would institute the “Cash for Cleavage” program. I am also looking seriously at the “Cash for Crack” program to help our overweight brothers and sisters. (To be honest, I am more leaning toward the “Money for Meth” program.) 

As you can see, I would be ideal for this position. The US would once again be a nation of healthy men surrounded by buxom, slender women. Isn’t that really what healthcare is all about?


29 Responses to I Should Be On The “Death Panel”

  1. bschooled says:

    Nice work, Tannerleah.

    I tried to start the “Recycle for Roofies” bottle drive, but it never caught on.

    Probably a good thing anyway, because it’s not like a I have a whole lot of room in the back of my 81′ Chevette.

    Regardless, we all need to step up and do whatever it takes to get the female demographic hyperfocusing on something other than the double-double at In-N-Out Burger…

  2. Donald Mills says:

    Damn it, man, I was counting on that heart valve. Thank God I’ve been raising a pig in the basement. Guess it’s time for plan “B”.

    And I have to admit that I halfway agree with you anyway. I have no sympathy for people with lazy eyes (or those “marty feldman” eyes either).

    • tannerleah says:

      Um…sure you have the pig for medical reasons.

      Look, I am not going to judge you. It must be lonely in your home these days. Is it so wrong to snuggle up with a pig? I think not. Stop hiding your true feelings.

  3. yorksnbeans says:

    I think you and Don would be perfect choices for the panel, and throw in Alan Truitt as well.

  4. Wouldn’t it be “cash for less crack”?

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Hate ‘Obamacare’, but embrace the ‘death panel’ concept/euthanasia (and yes, you would be ideal to sit on the panel as you so lovingly put the ‘object’ in objectivity). Come to think of it, maybe we need a common sense approach rather than a warm and fuzzy one. I would trust your good judgment TL, after all, you did let the dog live.

  6. nonnie9999 says:

    i think you should be on the death panel that decides what kind of medical treatment will be approved for all members of congress. i think you should begin with the ones who were bitching about what a terrible thing empathy is.

  7. Sweats Model says:

    I’m glad this healthcare reform bill is all about equality. So when you approve my boob job, TL, I expect the new and improved twins to be equal to the ones Salma Hayek totes around.

  8. U.S. Senate
    Washington, DC

    Dear Constituent:

    I realize there has been some concern over the direction of the health care debate. I would just like to take this opportunity to assure you that the decision is out of your hands entirely, no matter how many protests you organize. However, the costs of the health care will rest on your shoulders, so you may want to pick up a second job. And one for your kids.

    Secondly, the “death panel” as the media so catchily put it has been put into action with Mr. Tannerleah as its head. We believe TL possesses several qualities which make him best suited for the job.

    TL has indicated that he is completely free of morals. Those of us in the government have long realized that morals should be separated from legislation much in the way that the church should be separated from the state (ideally).

    TL has also proven that he can make tough decisions without a hint of empathy or other unreliable emotion, as is evidenced in his interactions with other crabby retirees and family pets.

    Our only concern is that as TL nears his golden years, he may begin to develop a certain sympathy for his new peer group. A “Logan’s Run” style “retirement” system has been put into place for this eventuality.

    Now, many of you may be expressing concern over the direction the country is headed, despite the several votes for “change” that you cast. Many of you thought that you would be able to subvert the usual “rich, white male” good-old-boy system by electing a young, invigorating black man.

    While your hearts may have certainly been in the right place, you made one fatal error in judgement. Politics are color-blind and career politicians even more so. All that has happened is another politician has been elected to the most powerful position in the world (albeit one that looks better on TV, and is on it constantly as though well aware of that fact).

    So while we may make certain claims (especially during close elections) that we are in place to look out for “your” interests, be aware that although the letter “y” can be either a vowel or consonant, in Washington it’s mainly silent.


    J. Preston Fuckwit

    • tannerleah says:

      Certainly POTY candidate.

      Senator Fuckwit, thank you for noticing my awesomeness. I promise you that I will deny healthcare on an even handed basis. (Excluding wealthy white people).

      You will be glad to know that I am color blind but I can still spot Mexicans from a mile away. They don’t stand a chance.

      Thank you for loving me and taking such good care of our country. If it weren’t for you, the hippies and commies would have already crashed our mighty country.

      Now, about this panel seat. Can I get free lunch and a nice chair to sit in? Plus, do you have any nudie pictures of Sarah Palin. (Never hurts to ask, does it?)

      Warm regards,

  9. Tannerleah,
    I will be calliing you sometime soon for the upcoming panel conference on a family member, who’s name I was discreetly leave out. You are just what we need, unequivocally!

    Wonderful post by the way and glowing reference from Senator Fuckwit!

  10. FYI: I’m noting a boob thing going here lately. What’s up with that? Any of you guys breast fed (as babies)?

    • tannerleah says:

      I was breast fed but not by Salma Hayak so I am still kind of pissed about that. Oh…and the guys talking about boobs are, well, guys.

      Feel free to talk about ding dings or man butt. I will most likely delete the comments but you might catch me at a sleepy moment.

      • Oh, hell I’m gonna ask. What are ding dings?
        I had a fling once with a ‘boob’ guy and HE sent me a pic once of Salma Hayek… weird huh.. I long for that rounded, uplifted look, naturally. I do not want to walk around looking like someone shoved a balloon in my chest.. no thanks… I’m basically pretty happy with what I’ve got.

        • tannerleah says:

          What are ding dings? You know…trouser trouts, one eyed sea monsters, thingy’s…you know what I mean.

          Other than getting punched in his junk, I see no reason for him to send such a picture.

  11. AHHH! thank you, I was thinking the 2 dangly things!
    Yeah, sending woman a pic of your online hottie is bad manners! He’s a goner now, so haha laugh’s on him!!! (Idiot)

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