What Kind Of Talent Does One Need To Be A DJ?

August 31, 2009

After reading about the death of DJ AM, (which was an obvious outcome if you have seen Final Destination), I became curious as to how one gets into this line of work. 

Radio DJ’s have been around for a long time but club DJ’s are relatively new. The ones that spin platters at strip clubs, my friends tell me, at least have the job of introducing the stripper so I can see why they are needed. 

But what does someone like Sam Ronson do? Does she chit chat with the audience? If so, what does she say and who the hell would want to listen to her in the first place? Does she “scratch” like Grandmaster Flash? I don’t think so because she is a white girl. So exactly what is it? 

To my knowledge, to break into the DJ world, you need to have a turntable or two. I’ve got that. Then, you need to have a wicked pisser record collection. I’ve also got that. Probably you should have a sound system with some big speakers. My Jensens more than fit the bill. There you have it…you are now officially a DJ. 

Here is a photo of my travelling kit:

my kit


With all of the equipment in hand, I guess you have to take requests. I suppose you are even supposed to play crappy songs like “Safety Dance” and “Mmm Bop”. (Ok, I am kidding about Mmm Bop…that song is the shizzle). What else is there at this point? 

When I am “DJ’ing” a party at my house, I try to make sure the tunes keep everyone pumped up. (True, those of you who know me know that I don’t have parties but I am trying to tell a story so stay with me). I hit people with some Barry White before having them do gay party songs. YMCA anyone? 

Is this what DJ AM and his peers do? If so, is there any reason I can’t do it? The young folks love me because they can catch an easy contact high off of me plus I am down with the latest groovy tunes. I can bring my milkshake to the yard if you know what I mean. 

If any of you are looking for a DJ that has some slammin’ Osmond albums, just shoot me an e-mail. I can perform at almost any function except those where clowns will be present. I have a mirror ball that can also be rented at a reasonable price. We will party likes it’s 1999!

Nebraska Doctor Performs 60,000 Abortions

August 29, 2009

I must say, even for someone like me that appreciates extreme performance, this is a pretty amazing number. By my count, that is over 8 abortions every single day for the last 20 years. Wow…just wow.

The busy doctor performing this work is Leroy Carhart from Bellevue Nebraska. Considering that Bellevue only has 40,000+ residents, they must be doing some serious fornicating. If you consider that surely a few are using birth control, this is nothing more than a human “get your freak on” pit.

The other possibility is that Leroy has really cheap rates and will abort damned near any fetus so women are flocking from around the country to purchase his services. Needless to say, pro-life advocates are kind of pissed off at the good doctor. Several protests are scheduled in Bellevue to bring attention to what is happening. You would have to agree, from the photo below, the doc has a pretty nifty looking business facility. State of the art, I’d say.

carhart clinic

Since it is my duty to solve the world’s problems, let me solve this one for you. Loosen adoption laws so that all of these unworthy fetus’ have an opportunity to be born and raised by someone that will love them. There are a slew of potential parents out there being forced to cut deals under the table to find a baby. Plus, even for the law abiding types, Romania and China are going to run out of babies to sell us before too much longer. (And really…why is it ok to purchase a baby from China but not Craigslist?)

My question is, why so many abortions in the first place? A friend of mine told me that many women are having abortions to control the sex of their child. He said that they are trying to have only girls so that, within 30 years, women will control the United States. While this might sound strange, I believe this guy. He is the one who told me that Mexicans are actually aliens so he knows his stuff.

Maybe the reason is that, in our self absorbed society, these women just can’t be bothered bringing a baby to term. (Certainly the “fathers”, as I have learned from the Maury Povich show, are thrilled when the girlfriend or lover decides to abort. Hell, Rick Pitino was apparently even willing to pay for it). Or, maybe they just feel overwhelmed at their situation and just want out. I don’t know.

Here is what I do know. 60,000 abortions for one doctor is just crazy. There is no way in hell that these women are receiving the kind of guidance and counseling they should receive from their doctor. This guy is a circus act and clearly not wrestling with the intrinsic value of human life.

Now, pardon me as I am on my way to Bellevue to get some loving. Don’t worry, I am packing condoms and a variety of disguises. I’ll be damned if Maury Povich is going to catch me.

Sorry Kentucky…God Can’t Save You Now

August 27, 2009

Thanks to some left-wing, communist, Ted Kennedy loving judge, the people of the Commonwealth of Kentucky are no longer safe. That’s right, they are living in real danger of either natural or man made disasters. 

How did this happen? Simple…God has been kicked out of Kentucky. Let me explain. In 2006, the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security added some verbiage to a variety of documents that assured that they would be spared from future devastation and destruction. 

Here is an example of one of the sentences, “The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God.” Simply put, God was given permission and encouraged to protect Kentucky. While you might think this is funny, Kentucky has not suffered one attack since 2006. Who’s laughing now? 

But, as usual, the liberals couldn’t stand the idea of God protecting them. (They would rather have Buddha or aliens protect them). The lunatic judge wrote this, “The statute pronounces very plainly that current citizens of the Commonwealth cannot be safe, neither now, nor in the future, without the aid of Almighty God.” Well, no shit, Sherlock! Who do you think creates tornados and evil doers in the world? Our Almighty God. Ergo, ipso facto, if you don’t want to have those things, you need to have God protect you. How hard is that to understand? 

Rep. Tom Riner, who also happens to be a pastor at a local church, said it best. “They make the argument … that it has to do with a religion,” Riner said, “and promoting a religion. God is not a religion. God is God.” Did you hear that you Commie bastard judge? “God is God.” The defense rests its case. 

All I can do is warn the good people of Kentucky that they are no longer under the benevolent care of Almighty God. That tornado he was going to drop on Indiana instead of Kentucky? Coming right back at you. (Probably somewhere near Paducah would be my guess). 

God doesn’t want to attack you but, if you insist on not recognizing him and paying the vig, what can he do? You come to him when you need something but never as a friend. That is disrespect, my friends. Even if you could convince him to come back, you would probably owe him a favor someday. (a small price to pay, in my opinion). 

So, next time you see cows flying by your head, don’t blame God. He simply had no choice… you no good heathens. Now let us pray… 

God kicked out of Kentucky…Jesus says, “No comment”

Gay People Need To Be Quiet In Church

August 25, 2009

This is the lesson learned by Monique Stephens and her lesbian partner (some unnamed woman). It seems Monique and her lover girl were being disruptive during a service at New Olivet Baptist Church. So the bouncers (or whatever they call these guys in church) kicked them out. 

According to Monique, they knocked her glasses off and were just generally rough with her. Of course they were! Jesus doesn’t want people being all lippy when he is trying to get his message out. You are supposed to be quiet and learn something. 

To be fair, Monique and friend may not have known the rules since they don’t believe in God. (Which probably explains how they ended up being gay in the first place). 

Rev. Kenneth Whalum Jr. told the congregation to bow down and blow kisses to God. It was at this point that Monique and her partner refused to participate. Allegedly, (which means it probably happened), they were being loud and disruptive during this period of time. 

Not surprisingly, some of the congregation referred to them as “devil worshippers”. Clearly, they are or they would have done the “blowing kisses to God” thing. Only heathens and gay people would ignore such a command. 

Rev. Whalum said that he has a whole boatload of the gays at his church but they tend to follow his instructions. He stated, “If I put every lesbian out of church, we’d be putting people out of church all day long.” 

Just a minute, Padre! Are you saying that the New Olivet Baptist Church is chockfull of lesbians? Do you mean the good kind? You know…the lipstick variety? If so, I am there, my brother. If you mean the Rosie type, however, then I encourage you to keep kicking them out as you see fit. 

Maybe Monique and her carpet loving associate were worried that they were going to get the gay prayed out of them and became disruptive. This is a common problem in church. For those of you that are uneducated on such things, let me explain. When a person in church starts speaking in “tongues”, that means that the gay is coming out of them. I read this on a very reputable website so I am pretty sure it is true. 

In any case, I hope that all parties involved can learn to get along. I must go now as it is time for me to blow some kisses to God. Pucker up, big fella!

North Dakota Releases Old Dude After 40 Year Sentence

August 24, 2009

Meet James Leroy Iverson. James, who is 70 years old, was just released from prison after serving 40 years for a double homicide conviction. In a growing effort among prisons, senior inmates are being released at an escalating pace. 

Why? Because they are old and, apparently, reformed. I guess these old geezers are downright lovable these days. Look at this picture of James and how happy he seems to be.

ND Old Parolee

Ah, good times, eh James? When asked what changes he noticed most about society today, James mentioned that more men are wearing beards. He is also fascinated by Wal-Mart where there is “oodles and oodles of stuff”. It took old James a full 3 hours to walk through the store. 

I was so happy to hear about how well James was doing, I wanted to see how his victims were doing. Unfortunately, it seems that his victims, Dianne Bill and Carol Mayars are still quite dead. They are unable to tell us how things have changed over the years or whether they are impressed by Wal Mart because, well, they’re not available. 

It seems that while James is enjoying his new found freedom, his victims will not get the same opportunity. When he decided to snuff their lives out in 1968, it was truly a death sentence. They would never again enjoy anything, let alone the simple things in life. 

Still, isn’t it good to see James all smiling and happy? I wonder if the living family members of Dianne and Carol are also smiling quite so broadly. Surely, they must be “over it” by now. After all, time heals all wounds, doesn’t it? Oh wait…apparently not lethal wounds. 

Enjoy your freedom, James. I only wished I believed in hell so I could take some comfort in knowing that you will burn in it after your demise. Of course, to be fair, I suppose if a guy that bombs a commercial airliner can be set free, some run of the mill murderer who only killed two people has no business in the pokey. 

When I get my job on the death panel, I would like James to be the first in line.

Old killers being released. Awesome, just awesome.

Booze, Baptists, And Bedlam On Amazon

August 24, 2009

For those that were holding out for a more reasonable shipping price, my book is finally available on Amazon.

Not quite as good as the Bible…but close

Booze, Baptists, and Bedlam

A Vibrator To Correct Your Posture? Sure…Whatever You Say.

August 20, 2009

Is there anything that modern science can’t make better? I think not. Case in point, the new iPosture device. This small device is to be used by all of us humped back people that can’t stand up straight. Or is it? 

It works like this. You hook the iPosture to your skin or clothes and each time you slouch, it starts to vibrate. Here is a photo of the contraption.


Apparently, once you become fully erect, it stops vibrating. Now, for some of you, this might seem like a fatal flaw in the contraptions design. Get your head out of the gutter. This is a serious therapeutic device. 

The instructions don’t say exactly where on the body the device should be placed and I worry this could lead to some confusion. Plus, for the mentally ill amongst you, I can see some opportunity for abuse. 

My other fear is that this small vibrator could be kind of a “gateway” vibrator and lead its owners to bigger and more pulsing alternatives. In fact, I understand that the iPosture team is working on a larger model, exclusively for women, called the “Vulvanator”. 

They are also making a male version, cleverly known as the “Shaky Vagina”. (I think it will be like the equivalent of having sex with Katharine Hepburn in her later years.) As you can see, what started off as a promising way to correct posture has quickly became a seedy proposition. 

Get an iPosture if you must but beware of the possible risks. For instance, murmuring strange noises and fidgeting at staff meetings is not going to be well received by your boss. Unless, of course, you buy him / her one and then you can all sit around the table moaning together. (Again, for men, it STOPS vibrating when you are “upright”. So you may feel somewhat left out by the end of the meeting when your female co-workers are striking up their smokes.) 

If you buy now, you will also get a ShamWow with your iPosture. Not sure I understand the correlation but what do I know. Be safe out there.

A Good Way To Get Out Of Work

August 19, 2009

We all go through it. We try to find a good excuse to get out of work. Usually, we say we are sick or some important emergency has suddenly popped up. These are decent excuses but they have been beaten to death over the years. 

Steven Reid of Aberdeen (which I think is in Africa) was feeling the work malaise one day and decided to do something about it. He wanted something unique and believable as an excuse to get out of the drudgery of his hotel cleaning job. 

So, on the way to another day of doldrums, a light bulb went off in young Steve’s head. Without hesitation, he pulled a razor out of his pocket (probably the kind that most of us carry with us everyday) and proceeded to rake it across his face several times. 

While this was impressive, Steve was not quite sure if this was good enough. So, ever the thinker, Steve picked up a boulder and started to hit himself in the head and body with it. After he was pretty banged up, he went to the police to say that he had been assaulted by two men. So far, so good. 

Sadly, shortly after the police began their investigation, Steve recanted his story and told the truth. As a deputy put it, “He was making his way to work and didn’t really much fancy going”. I would say that pretty much sums it up. 

Fortunately, Steve no longer needs to worry about going to a job he hates…he has since been terminated. (Although he is hopeful that they will bring him back. Keep hope alive, Steve!) 

Steve has had some time to consider his actions and summed up his decision this way. “Looking back, I should have just phoned work and asked them for the day off.” It is sad to see someone with the sheer genius of Steve have his spirit broken by “the man”. 

To top off his humiliation, Steve was fined 100 pounds for “wasting police time”. God, talk about kicking a guy when he is down. Wasn’t the razor to the face and rock to the head enough of a punishment?   

Personally, I was impressed by Steve’s story and have committed to raising the stakes the next time I need a day off. I am thinking of severing a few digits and maybe sticking a tree branch up my butt. This should earn me the sympathy of people with handicaps, tree lovers, and the gay community. If I play my cards right, I can see getting a parade out of the deal. 

Here’s to you, Steve. May you always find a rock in your path and a razor in your pocket. 

Is that a razor in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I Am A Superstar…Sort Of

August 18, 2009

A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from an individual who alleged she was a “researcher” for the Dr. Phil show. The e-mail stated that she had read this bit about my issue with older women having children and wanted me to call her. 

Ever the risk taker, I called the number with the Los Angeles exchange fully expecting to be asked to send a “small fee” to Dr Phil in exchange for being on the show. To my surprise, it all seemed relatively legit. They were putting together concepts for shows and thought this might be an interesting subject. 

Immediately, I asked why they would care about the opinion of a completely anonymous blogger? I was told it was because I represent the “average” person. I must say, being called average was one of the nicest compliments I have received in a long time.   

The nice young lady asked me to send a photo so they could put it on their board, and that was that. Can superstardom be far off at this point? The last time I was this famous was when I snuck onto the set of a John Butcher Axis video. Heady times, indeed. 

Anyway, since that conversation, I have not heard from the fine folks in Dr Phil land. I wonder what could be taking so long? I tried to think of anything that I have written in other posts that might have rubbed them the wrong way. Except for several comments about Oprah’s weight, I don’t think there is anything. (And that shouldn’t matter since my sources tell me Phil and Oprah are on the outs). 

It is possible that they have passed on me since I have been so hard on midgets and Eskimos. However, I have been very kind to Sarah Palin so that should earn me some points, right? And it’s not like if I got on the show I was going to rag on Dr Phil’s porn stache or something. I know how to play the game. 

So, I wait. If I am asked to be on the show, and it would probably be one of those primetime specials, I will let you all know. I will need a posse to accompany me on my adventure of new found fame and am willing to be bribed to make you part of the team. But hurry, the fame train will soon be leaving the building.

Hallelujah! Michael Vick Is Cured!

August 17, 2009

I have to be honest; I have been worrying about Mike these last two years. I was worrying because I thought that the minute he was released from jail, he would go right back into the dog fighting business. 

In fact, I thought he would be belligerent and defiant. I worried that he would hide it enough to stay out of jail but, if you read between the lines, you could see that he was back to business as usual. 

How wrong I was. I watched Mike in an interview on 60 Minutes last night and, it turns out, the “old” Mike Vick died somewhere in prison. He admitted to crying at night and finding Jesus again. (Ah…the ever elusive Jesus. Only to be found when you are in jail or suffering some out of the ordinary crisis). 

He not only abhors dog fighting these days, he is working with the ASPCA to teach children that dog fighting is wrong. He now realizes that when he and his minions killed, maimed, and tortured any number of dogs, it was wrong. He couldn’t quite see it at the time, but prison opened up a window into his soul. 

This is really a happy story. Like so many in society that abuse the weak and go to prison, he is now “cured”. Whatever wiring that was crossed in the first place has since been fixed. The Philadelphia Eagles, in a beautiful effort to support his redemption, even signed him to a multi-million dollar contract. Not because they put football first and said to hell with morals and ethics, no, simply because it was the right thing to do. 

Philly fans have been rushing to buy Mike’s number 7 jersey so they can also join the redemption express. The City of Brotherly Love truly is living up to its name. I can only hope that animal lovers can find it in their collective hearts to be equally forgiving. 

Sure, cynics among you may think that Mike has the intellect of a retarded mouse, but that’s just because you are racist. You may think that his high priced legal team was pulling the strings as his lips moved during the interview but, again, you are just hating on the black man. You may wonder how a guy that filed bankruptcy can afford such a team. Look past his color, people!

Welcome back, Mike. I take you at your word and am willing to give you another chance. In fact, if you can help the NFL increase its ratings, I would be happy to give you several more chances. Maybe you can even team up with Chris Brown and go on an “I’m sorry” tour. That would be awesome. Much love, my brother, much love.

Michael Vick says hi