I Love You, You Love Me…

We are just a big, fu**ing, fantastically happy family. Or, maybe not. 

I am back from my hiatus and before I start ranting about how I don’t even know who Erin Andrews is or how the black guy and white cop are both douche bags of the nth degree; I figure I owe you a bit of an explanation. 

I haven’t been feeling great either mentally or physically for several weeks. I went to the doctor and he ran a battery of tests. Turns out, I am physically fine. This means, all of my issues are in my brain. Fortunately, I already knew this. 

My doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist. He/she might be able to give me a blue, or yellow, or pink pill that will make everything right in the world for me. Ever the team player, I accepted his offer and off I went. 

My new psychiatrist is about 70 years old. That’s cool because, although I think all old people should be killed, some of them can be kind of smart. The doctor talked at me for some period of time without ever actually looking me in the eyes. I thought there was some sort rule about eye contact but I guess I was wrong. 

I told the good doc that I have a blog and he might want to peruse it to see what I am like…at least part of me. He nods for a moment and then says, “Blog…what exactly is a blog? Is that an Interweb thing?” I tried to explain but he remained completely perplexed by the concept for the entire meeting. Also, at this point he started quoting scripture and telling me all about Jesus. Sadly, this was to be my last meeting with this enlightened professional. 

Dr. Old as Dirt did suggest I read “The Four Agreements” and “One Minute For Yourself”. Since I like to read, and even though the good doc was dead to me, I followed through and read both books. Essentially, they are the written versions of Stuart Smalley’s self affirmation. “I’m, good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone-it, people like me”.  If I love myself and love everyone else, the world will be my oyster. 

Fu** that noise. I would sooner kill myself then go around with a sugar coated smile pasted on my firm yet subtle lips all day. I can’t stand the thought of being part of the legion of lemmings and, if that makes me a depressed, deranged, psychopath, so be it. At least I will be laughing my way to oblivion.

So there you have my little story. It was good to have some time off but I am back. Maybe I won’t be as prolific as before but something is better than nothing. I leave you with an old joke but one that I am sure my new/ex doctor would approve of. 

What is the difference between Sarah Palin’s vagina and mouth?

Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina. 

Thank you and be sure to tip the bartender. Much love, TL


27 Responses to I Love You, You Love Me…

  1. Anonymous says:

    Ooooh…that’s BAD TL (but I ROFLMAO!)

    You mean you don’t like that guy on that male enhancement commercial with the everlasting cheshire cat face?

    I think your best bet it just to go over to Crabby Old Fart, Don, he’ll straighten you out!

    Glad to have you back….you’ve been missed!

  2. yorksnbeans says:

    Darn, it say it comes from anonymous. What’s going on?

  3. Bill Reed says:

    That’s Senator Smalley … Thank you

    • tannerleah says:

      Good point, Bill. See what that self affirmation crap can do for you? Maybe I should reconsider…

      • Bill Reed says:

        He needed those “affirmations” because it was it was 50/50 as to whether he was going to be seated before his term was up. Still, I’m suspicious; what if this is just another Saturday Night Live skit that has somehow invaded reality, like the Blues Brothers?

        • tannerleah says:

          Or the Coneheads?

          • elizabeth3hersh says:

            …or that our reality is in actuality a simultation? A recent paper published by the Centre for Discrete Mathematics and Theoretical Computer Science (credit the Kiwi’s of New Zealand) suggests that our physical reality could be in fact, virtual reality. From the abstract:

            “This paper explores the idea that the universe is a virtual reality created by information processing, and relates this strange idea to the findings of modern physics about the physical world. The virtual reality concept is familiar to us from online worlds, but our world as a virtual reality is usually a subject for science fiction rather than science. Yet logically the world could be an information simulation running on a multi-dimensional space-time screen. Indeed, if the essence of the universe is information, matter, charge, energy and movement could be aspects of information, and the many conservation laws could be a single law of information conservation. If the universe were a virtual reality, its creation at the big bang would no longer be paradoxical, as every virtual system must be booted up. It is suggested that whether the world is an objective reality or a virtual reality is a matter for science to resolve. Modern information science can suggest how core physical properties like space, time, light, matter and movement could derive from information processing. Such an approach could reconcile relativity and quantum theories, with the former being how information processing creates space-time, and the latter how it creates energy and matter.”

            How does this tie in with your mental slump? I’m not sure and I strongly recommend not sharing this mental exercise with Dr. Old as Dirt.

  4. Donald Mills says:

    Jesus Christ,

    All old people should be killed? You run around making half-wit statements like that and still need to pay some quack to tell you that your brains not firing on all cylinders? My God.

    And try not to worry about the lack of eye contact. It could be his approach to treatment or it could be that you’re uglier than Hell.

    Nice to see you back, son.

  5. nonnie9999 says:

    so glad to see you back, tannerleah, because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and dog gone-it, i like you.

    that’ll be 70 bucks for the session.

  6. Its good to have you back TL. You seem as testy as ever. “This is this.”

  7. I could have saved you alot of trouble and time to tell you that it was all in your head. The big one not the little one…wait, it’s you I should be more specific…the one on top of your shoulders.


  8. Bill Reed says:

    Regarding elizabeth3hersh’s suggestion that we may be living in a virtual reality: Remember, anyone can be an agent!

  9. Doc really should be enlightened on this whole blog thing.

    From what I can tell, a blog resembles the lower digestive tract of any mammal, in that it mostly consists of an asshole cranking out shit.

    Correct me if I’m wrong.

    Welcome back, TL. Glad to see you’re still alive and as bitter as ever.

  10. wow.. my first time here and I’m … humorously aghast at the Palin joke, among other things!!
    I recognize the players so will get into the rhythm..
    As for Psychiatry… hmmm… I’d go for the little purple pill if they have one, rumor is that was Alice’s color of choice…

    • tannerleah says:

      Is that the one where I might have an erection for 4 hours? I can’t take that because that kind of blood loss would kill me.

      Oh, pardon my manners, welcome.

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