I Love You, You Love Me…

July 31, 2009

We are just a big, fu**ing, fantastically happy family. Or, maybe not. 

I am back from my hiatus and before I start ranting about how I don’t even know who Erin Andrews is or how the black guy and white cop are both douche bags of the nth degree; I figure I owe you a bit of an explanation. 

I haven’t been feeling great either mentally or physically for several weeks. I went to the doctor and he ran a battery of tests. Turns out, I am physically fine. This means, all of my issues are in my brain. Fortunately, I already knew this. 

My doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist. He/she might be able to give me a blue, or yellow, or pink pill that will make everything right in the world for me. Ever the team player, I accepted his offer and off I went. 

My new psychiatrist is about 70 years old. That’s cool because, although I think all old people should be killed, some of them can be kind of smart. The doctor talked at me for some period of time without ever actually looking me in the eyes. I thought there was some sort rule about eye contact but I guess I was wrong. 

I told the good doc that I have a blog and he might want to peruse it to see what I am like…at least part of me. He nods for a moment and then says, “Blog…what exactly is a blog? Is that an Interweb thing?” I tried to explain but he remained completely perplexed by the concept for the entire meeting. Also, at this point he started quoting scripture and telling me all about Jesus. Sadly, this was to be my last meeting with this enlightened professional. 

Dr. Old as Dirt did suggest I read “The Four Agreements” and “One Minute For Yourself”. Since I like to read, and even though the good doc was dead to me, I followed through and read both books. Essentially, they are the written versions of Stuart Smalley’s self affirmation. “I’m, good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone-it, people like me”.  If I love myself and love everyone else, the world will be my oyster. 

Fu** that noise. I would sooner kill myself then go around with a sugar coated smile pasted on my firm yet subtle lips all day. I can’t stand the thought of being part of the legion of lemmings and, if that makes me a depressed, deranged, psychopath, so be it. At least I will be laughing my way to oblivion.

So there you have my little story. It was good to have some time off but I am back. Maybe I won’t be as prolific as before but something is better than nothing. I leave you with an old joke but one that I am sure my new/ex doctor would approve of. 

What is the difference between Sarah Palin’s vagina and mouth?

Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina. 

Thank you and be sure to tip the bartender. Much love, TL


July 27, 2009

We may have a pulse…

The Book Is Finally Finished

July 17, 2009

For any of you still lurking around here, my book (Booze, Baptists, and Bedlam), which has been stuck in neutral for some time, is finished. You can order it at the link below for the amazing price of $12.56. (Shipping, on the other hand, is ridiculous. I think in several more weeks it will be available on Amazon which should have a much cheaper shipping cost).


But wait, there’s more! (Ok, not really. I just thought I should try to make it sound more exciting.)

Here are some early reviews of the book…

” Am I ever going to get my money back on this deal? ” – Frank

” If I knew you were going to write this crap, I would have beat you even harder. Love, Dad ”

” I would have beat you too. By the way, can you sing and dance? I have a new record label that is going to be the shizzle. Oh, and I am still sad about Mike.” – Joe Jackson

” I can’t wait to be with you. I dumped the job and Todd is next.” – Sarah Palin

” Seriously…where the fu** is my money? ”  – Frank

Pretty awesome reviews, no? For those of you who would prefer a free, electronic copy, just e-mail me and I will send you the PDF version.

I miss you guys and gals but still have no desire to return to the fold…at least for the time being. TL

EDIT: I posted the complete book on the Booze, Baptists, and Bedlam tab. (I couldn’t figure out how to post it as a PDF. The formatting is probably off but it’s close enough.) Now, you can order the book or just read it here if you are so inclined. Personally, I wouldn’t take my laptop into the toilet with me but I won’t judge you.

Turn Out The Lights, the Party’s Over

July 6, 2009

It was one year ago that I started this blog and I figure it’s as good of time as any to take an extended (permanent?) vacation. The truth is, I simply have nothing new to say.

I have had a great time interacting with you and will continue to visit you at your house from time to time. 

Thanks for sharing your time with me and maybe I will see you somewhere down the road. As always, much love. TL

Better Not Be Speeding Friday

July 3, 2009

Junior can pick it, can’t he?

Maybe I Was Too Hard On Lulu

July 2, 2009

After all, I went on a rant recently about their incompetence and how frustrating they were to deal with. I had lost hope in their ability to perform even the most simple of tasks.

Yesterday, my friend Frank changed my thinking. He was so anxious to get my book that he went ahead and ordered it. (Although I had mentioned that it doesn’t really exist yet). Lulu, being the professional organization that it is, swiftly printed the book and mailed it to Frank.

He was so kind as to make a brief movie of this first copy of the first edition. Very heady and exciting stuff, I must tell you. Here now, in all of its glory, is a quick look at my book:

Wow, pretty amazing, eh? I would say Frank got quite a deal only paying $20+ dollars for such an instant classic. He should enjoy reading it on his upcoming vacation.

As you can see from the video, I tend to write with few words…very few. I believe that being succinct is a key to good writing. You may also notice that the cover says “temporary cover”. I used this in case people disliked the cover. Then I could always tell them that it wasn’t the “real” one.

Thank you Lulu for doing me proud. Your professional work has been a breath of fresh air. (And Frank, don’t even think about selling that copy on E-Bay for a fortune!)

Karl Malden Killed Himself Because Of Michael Jackson?

July 1, 2009

Now, I have no actual proof of this but I think it is odd that this vibrant, relatively young man just happens to die a few days after Michael died. Plus, there have been reports that no less than 12 other people have killed themselves due to their heartache over MJ’s passing. 

Karl was a spry 97 so the odds of him dying from something “natural” seems pretty unlikely to me. No doubt, TMZ will have the real scoop in just a few short hours. 

And what of these other 12 people? They haven’t been named nor has it been proven that they exist but, why would someone lie about it? The source is some guy that runs a Michael Jackson website so I don’t see how he could have any kind of agenda. In fact, with Karl, the count is now up to 13. Tragic, just tragic. 

I am a little peeved today with MJ because he has cut his ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, out of his will. As you know, Debbie is not a terribly handsome woman but I let her have her way with me in hopes that I might find a sort of financial advantage from doing so. Currently, Debbie has a 72 Pontiac and about $12 in her savings account. Without the MJ cash, I am not going to recover…financially or emotionally. 

Mike also left his dad Joe out of the will. Apparently, there were some hard feelings after all these years because Joe allegedly used Mike as a punching bag as a kid. Now, I don’t normally condone violence against children but Mike probably brought it on himself. If you remember, Mike was supposed to be the baritone of the group and completely failed to fall in line. 

My new plan, if I can wash off what remains of Debbie Rowe, is to hook up with Latoya. I know, I should probably go with Janet but I am afraid of her previous weight gain issues. Latoya is certainly crazier but I think that just gives me a better chance. (And, as usual, Mrs. Tannerleah is completely on board). 

If I can’t land one of the Jackson sisters, I could go after the mom. However, I am afraid of Joe so that’s not happening. Instead, I have had my eye on that Tito for a long time. I am not sure if he is a pitcher or a catcher but I am sure we can work something out. 

Well, I am off to Neverland to start to weasel my way into the fam. Wish me luck!