Guys, Is It So Hard To Wear Your Wedding Band?

June 30, 2009

I ask this mostly of men since we are the ones that generally have a million excuses as to why we don’t wear one. We don’t want to get it dirty or we are allergic to metal or we just hate jewelry. 

Here is the truth…not wearing the band keeps us in the game. That’s right. Throw out all of the lame excuses that your spouse is giving you and understand that somewhere, maybe even deep down, your man is holding out for the perfect woman. 

Let’s take a look at our dear friend, Mark Sanford:

Weird Pressers 

See what I mean? Whither the wedding band, Mark? I thought you were contrite and wanted to get back with your wife? Apparently, not at the cost of wearing the albatross that is the wedding band. Who knows what hotty he might meet due to his recent flurry of news activity? 

At least half of the married guys I know don’t wear their wedding band. I would say the same thing goes for celebrities. (I’m sure their excuse is that it might hurt the “brand”). The truth is they all are holding out hope for one thing…the perfect woman. Kind of like the woman from Weird Science or Pretty Woman. And they hope she pops up in pretty much the same way, out of the thin blue air. 

Personally, I wear my wedding band but for the opposite reason. I am so harangued by women that I wear my ring to try to keep women away from me. It doesn’t work that great as I am still highly sought after but what can I do? 

Or, maybe I wear it because I am happy to be married and love my wife. I also have no problem with the world knowing that. Nah, it’s the first reason I gave…I am just overrun by woman wanting some of the TL love. Chicks dig me and men fear me. 

Sorry guys to throw you under the bus and let the secret out but I am just sick of the hypocrisy that I see everyday. Man up and put your damned ring on. Wear it with pride. (Of course, in the event that you do run across the Weird Science chick, it is entirely appropriate to quickly dump the ring into your pocket. Don’t be an idiot).

Who Else Is Joining Madoff In Prison?

June 29, 2009

It seems to me that if you are running a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme you probably need more than just two people to pull it off. So far, the only people that I see being blamed are Bernie and one of his accountants. 

Really? Just these two guys bilked all of these folks out of their money and no one else in his firm knew anything about it? If this is true, then Bernie should get a gold star for employing such a large number of stupid people. The stock market is nose diving yet no one else realizes that there is no cash flow other than that coming from investors? 

And what the hell were they investing in? Did Bernie send out all of the marketing literature and file the mountain of paperwork that goes with running an investment firm? Or, just maybe, a bunch more people were in on the deal and hope to God that federal regulators are as stupid as the investors were. 

And what about Mrs. Madoff? The poor woman is likely to be left with only 2.5 million dollars from the Madoff estate. How in the heck is she supposed to survive on this? If she lives to be 100, she will have to get by on about $100,000 a year. Poor thing. She goes from caviar to cat food. 

I am glad that those that were cheated are all excited that Bernie is going to jail for the rest of his life. However, I would think they would be more interested in ALL of the perpetrators being put behind bars. Of course, no real need to do that now that the head of the snake has been cut off. 

It is this lack of “digging” that bugs me about our legal and legislative systems. Remember when all of the politicians running last year were going to get to the bottom of oil price gouging? Whatever came of that? Is Barry hot on the trail of Shell or is everybody fat dumb and happy again? 

And whither the great T. Boone Pickens? Remember how he was running those commercials extolling the virtues of alternative energy and how he was going to get the US off of oil? What happened there? Did he kick when I wasn’t looking? 

I can’t understand why the American people so readily accept being fleeced on a regular basis. Even when the crooks are caught, just one or two at the top are sacrificed but all of the rest of the scum is left in the barrel…ready for the next opportunity to rip people off. 

Barry, didn’t you promise to fix this? What are you waiting for? Give T. Boone a call and see what he’s up to these days.

Now Billy Mays? Why God, Why?

June 28, 2009

Billy Mays

As if my pain from losing Farrah and Michael wasn’t bad enough, today I learn that the great entertainer, Billy Mays, passed away this morning. (I didn’t add Ed McMahon to my grieving list because I am pretty confident he died several years ago).

Billy took his craft to a whole other level. Really, he was the Jimi Hendrix of television product advertising. Well, maybe not the Jimi Hendrix…that honor would be reserved for Ron Popeil. But certainly he would rank in the top 5.

The first time I saw Billy perform his Oxi-Clean commercial, I knew I was watching a true master craftsman. His interpretation of the art of selling was truly magical. Really, his passing is right up there with MLK, JFK, RFK and the BLT. (Which has fallen out of favor due to its pork content).

Will there ever be another Billy Mays? Well, probably not in our lifetime. Sure, the ShamWow dude is good but he beats up hookers and that is going to cost him a few points. Robert Wagner is good at selling reverse mortgages to old people but he doesn’t have the flair that Billy had.

Police are unsure what caused the death of the 50 year old Mays. Some websites have reported that his body collapsed under the weight of absorbing several gallons of black dye which he used to groom his beautiful beard and hair. An APB has been put out for the ShamWow dude because, frankly, he is just creepy and who knows what he is willing to do to get back on top.

The family has asked the public to respect their privacy in these “difficult times”. This approach has always confused me. Why do people whore themselves out for every last bit of attention they can get when they are alive but, when they croak, somehow they are supposed to be suddenly off limits? Maybe because there is no money in it?

President Obama has suggested that he might roll all of these recent deaths together and start a national holiday known as “Celebrities Day”. It will kind of be like President’s Day but be way more exciting. There will be parades and telethons to celebrate the passing of all recent celebrities. (Including the “bad” ones like OJ and Chris Brown when they croak).

Governor Mark Sanford completely supports President Obama’s proposal. He was quoted as saying, “Anything that will get you people off my a** is ok by me”. Mrs. Sanford quickly responded with the following statement. “Fu** you, Mark. Fu** you all day long. And that little Brazilian whore of yours”.  

I remember Wolf Blitzer practically crying when MJ passed away. I can only hope that Anderson Cooper will be there to help him get through this latest tragedy. I will tip some Orange Glo In Billy’s honor tonight. I ask you to respect my privacy during this difficult time. Yours in mourning, TL

Are You Really Going To Miss Michael Jackson?

June 26, 2009

I get that it is sad when someone dies at a relatively young age but I don’t really understand all of the over the top hand wringing. Mike hasn’t done anything new or innovative in what… 20 years? You were doing just fine during that period, weren’t you? 

And let’s not forget the whole “Jesus Juice” incident. Didn’t that get settled out of court for like 20 million dollars? I am not saying he was guilty of it but it is odd how people seem to just gloss that issue over. 

To be fair, I had the same reservations about enjoying listening to the Who once it was revealed that Pete Townsend was surfing child porn websites. Although he chalked it up to “research”, it still creeps me out. 

One measure of talent is the fan base of an entertainer. In this area, MJ was truly a king. Sadly, as you can see in the following AP photo, these people might not be the brightest bulbs in the pack. 

Fans remember Michael Jackson at the star they believe belongs to pop star Michael Jackson but that belongs to a radio personality of the same name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Thursday June 25, 2009 in Los Angeles. Jackson, the sensationally gifted ‘King of Pop’ who emerged from childhood superstardom to become the entertainment world’s most influential singer and dancer before his life and career deteriorated in a freakish series of scandals, died Thursday.
(AP Photo/Philip Scott Andrews)

Obit Michael Jackson Reax

(By the way, what exactly is that in the green shirt?) 

Soon, we will also hear about what a great actor Patrick Swayze was. Um….no he isn’t / wasn’t. He is just another of many pseudo Hollywood celebrities. Again, it is sad that he is suffering and is likely to die soon. But I got to tell you, there are young people dying everyday around us that go completely unnoticed. 

Every week, I read the list of service men and women that have died overseas this week. Where is their relentless news coverage on CNN or outpouring of grief by the common man? 

I would suggest our addiction to celebrity is really quite sad. When we need to know what Ashton Kutcher “twittered” about MJ, I know we have jumped the shark. (Of course, I really did want to know what Sam Ronson thought). 

I do feel bad about Mike’s children losing their dad. That is always the worst part of these things. But a friend of a friend was just stabbed to death by her husband and her children are also now parentless. Think she will get any kind of media coverage beyond a single news cycle? Don’t bank on it.

Keep Me In Your Heart Friday

June 26, 2009

When it comes to death, celebrity or otherwise, I think Warren Zevon said it best.

Seen Any Good Gay Exorcism Videos Lately?

June 25, 2009

Apparently, there was one floating around YouTube recently that was quite entertaining. Here is how the AP reported it: 

The video shows the 16-year-old boy lying on the floor, his body convulsing, as elders of a small Connecticut church cast a “homosexual demon” from his body.

“Rip it from his throat!” a woman yells. “Come on, you homosexual demon! You homosexual spirit, we call you out right now! Loose your grip, Lucifer!”

Aren’t religious people just precious when they do this kind of stuff? I wonder if they painted a big scarlet letter “G” on his chest just to make it more official. The article doesn’t say whether they got that big queer Lucifer out of the young man but my guess is that they did not.

By the way, when did Lucifer become gay? I know he is all evil and mean and everything but I never knew he was into dudes. Maybe this is the real reason he and Jesus didn’t get along? (“For God’s sake Lucifer, I am not going to rub oil on your back! And put your pointed thingy back into your pants”)

Later in the article, it mentions that the devil disciple throws up in a bag. With ever quick thinking, one of the zealots yelled, “Get another bag, make sure you have your gloves.” Because you definitely don’t want to get gay puke on your hands. That stuff just doesn’t come off. 

How is this crap even possible in this day and age? How are these adults not responsible for what is simply criminal behavior? Does the fact that the crime is couched in religion absolve these idiots of any responsibility? And, as usual, where the hell are the parents? 

What really frosts my a** is that everyone knows that exorcisms don’t work on gays. It was already tried on Clay Aiken and was a miserable failure. You have to say a certain chant like, “I pray the gay away from you today” seven times and then sprinkle holy water and wafers over their head. This is kindergarten stuff. Stupid splinter religions. 

If any of you come across this video, please be so kind to post a link. I need to know what these lunatics look like so I can run when I see them. 

 Be afraid…be very afraid

Lulu Is Starting To Harsh My Mellow

June 24, 2009

As most of you know, I finished my little book about my childhood. Having no great aspirations, I just wanted to get the book printed so I could give it to my kids and a few other people. (Like my attorney in case I run into trouble with the law). 

After checking a few sites, I picked Lulu and one of their basic publishing packs. I don’t know the first thing about publishing a book and have no desire to learn. I am more than happy to pay someone to take care of the finer details. (I used the same philosophy in raising our children). 

Everything went swimmingly…at first. They made me a nifty little cover that was way better than what I had drawn with my drawer full of crayons. Plus, they gave it the special ISBN number or whatever it is one needs to have a book. I even had them edit the book and they did a smashing job. 

Then nothing. For the last 3 weeks, they have apparently fled the country and cannot be tracked down. This is frustrating because all that was left to do was the formatting. I have never formatted anything in my life but it doesn’t sound terribly difficult. 

Then, to my surprise, I see that the book is listed on Amazon. This is especially interesting because I am not sure how one sells something that doesn’t actually exist. Maybe they are just selling the concept of the book and, if you purchase it, then they will actually go to the trouble of formatting and printing it. 

Anyway, Lulu has decided to treat me like all of the pretty girls in high school…with complete and utter disdain. I am not going to lie, it stings a little. I guess I could go all “Carrie” like on Lulu but I don’t have the energy or desire. 

So, I will either find another vendor to handle this seemingly complicated task or just publish the whole thing on-line. Still, there is something attractive about having a book that will be kicking around long after 2012 when the world comes to an end. (Something to do with the Mayan calendar – Google it) 

Lulu, I am willing to forgive and forget. Maybe you decided to spend your time with another man. I don’t know and I don’t care. Please take me back and finish my modest project. I know you are kind of a whore because you have already taken my money but I will not judge. (Did I say anything about that sore on your upper lip?) Please treat me right. Yours impatiently, TL

So, Do I Have A Chance With Kate Plus 8?

June 23, 2009

I mean, I realize she is a shrew and man killer but she is kind of hot (except for her lopsided hairdo. And sure, I also realize she probably has a huge hoo-hoo but I can live with that). 

I am way better than that whiny Jon. Plus, although I hate children, the nannies are the ones that actually take care of them so my time spent with them would be minimal. Plus, I actually do kind of like China kids so maybe this group would be different. 

But let’s be honest…this is all about the cash. Kate is loaded and, even when she gives half to the crybaby, she will still be loaded. I could be Mr. Mom (with my staff of 6 live in helpers) and provide loads of entertainment for the viewing audience. I can run around in my banana hammock and have all of the ladies out in TV land despair at what they are missing. 

True, I have to get this plan approved through Mrs. Tannerleah but once I start talking about cash flow, I am sure she will jump on board. After all, it’s not like Ed McMahon (rest his soul) is going to show up soon anytime with the Publishers Clearing House money. 

I do feel bad that, with Jon out of the picture, the kids are going to have to work more. However, their Chinese heritage and work ethic will carry them through. And, when they are grown up, they will do a great job in taking care of their elderly parent…me. (Kate will have dumped me years earlier for Paco, the cabana boy). 

Plan B would be to go after Janice Dickinson. I think she is loaded and after watching her squat several times on “I’m A Celebrity”, I am kind of in love. And what about her lips! They have to be at least the size of Pakistan. What a turn on. 

Of course, all bets are off if Sarah Palin ever comes to her senses. My love for her runs deeper than the Botox needles that glide effortlessly through Janice’s lips. If she would only dump that idiot, Todd. Christ, I can ride a snow mobile and hunt elk. I can also see Portugal through my kitchen window. What else do I have to do? 

Anyway, Kate, let me know when you are ready to hook up. I am working on the plumbing under my trailer today so let the phone ring some extra times. And, if I could be so bold, do something with that Chihuahua on your head before we get our freak on…it might throw me off of my game. Much love, TL.

Woman Trampled To Death By Cows

June 22, 2009

Huh? How is that even possible? I mean, I would completely understand if it were bulls… but cows? Do they even move? Every time I see a cow it is just standing there. I just see no scenario where they have a sudden burst of speed and trample someone. 

This happened in England so maybe they have especially fast cows. Not so, says the head of the National Farmers’ Union, Mike Thomas. He says it is very unusual for people to be killed by cows in Britain. So, apparently, they are equally slow over there. 

The name of the woman was not released and who can blame the family? Who wants to be the only person killed this year by wild, out of control cows? The fact that more than one cow trampled her is even more bizarre. To get one cow to do anything is pretty remarkable but to get other cows to join in? That’s crazy. 

Since I doubt there were any witnesses to this murder, I would get Scotland Yard all over the case. No one gets killed by cows…ever. My guess is that a really fat guy got over amorous and smothered her during a lovemaking session. He then dumped the body under one of the cows that was just standing around. Inadvertently, other stupid cows walked across her on the way to the get their feed. 

Although, now that I think about it, I saw a commercial once where a cow parachuted to the ground. Maybe that’s what happened…there was a cow parachute training class going on and she happened to stumble into the middle of it. 

Or, perhaps this was a herd of “mad” cows. You know, the ones that go around all pissed off all of the time. No one knows why they are mad but you can tell from the scowl on their face. Grrrrrrrr…. 

Police have warned other Brits to be on the lookout for other menacing looking animals such as rabbits and doves. They, too, can congregate and stomp you to death. (Well, technically, the rabbits fly through the air and bite your neck but, still, that’s pretty dangerous.) 

I can hardly wait to hear what PETA will have to say about this incident. No doubt, they have already hired Gloria Allred to defend the cows. 

no more burgers for her

Take Heed Of The Dream

June 21, 2009

I was just listening to one of my favorite albums (The Final Cut by Pink Floyd) and came across this. I thought it was worth sharing.