Suicide The Hard Way (BB&B)

May 18, 2009

One of my favorite stories to tell about Mom should not be at all humorous or entertaining but, to me anyway, it is. It is also a glimpse into the psyche of this complicated woman. 

I should start with a disclaimer. Obviously, anytime someone is threatening to kill themselves, it should be taken as a serious cry for help. However, at times, the manner in which they intend to “off themselves” is so poorly planned, you can’t take it seriously. 

Mom had left a note that she was going to kill herself. Now, this was not a terribly uncommon event but I still was worried. It was early afternoon and I had just come home from school when I read the note. Because her car was outside, I figured maybe she had taken some pills, again, and was in the bedroom. Except she wasn’t. In fact, I could not find her anywhere. 

It was the middle of winter so I thought maybe she went outside after taking the pills to freeze to death. Again, kind of a silly way to go about it but with Sue, you just never knew. I took a quick stroll around our trailer which was situated on a huge plot of land. It was so cold, that I pretty quickly went back inside after my search came up empty. 

I had just taken off my coat and was preparing to call some relatives when Mom walked in the front door. She looked cold but otherwise seemed coherent. I told her that I had read her note and I didn’t understand what was happening. She looked at me with despair over her face and said, “I tried to kill myself but I couldn’t”.

When I told her I knew she didn’t have it in her, she said that is not what she meant. She said, “Oh, I fully intended to do it. I was going to drown myself. But when I got to the lake, it was frozen too hard for me to get in the water”. This, in a nutshell, was my life. Pitiful, comical, melodramatic, and never terribly well thought out.


Who The Hell Is Alan Keyes?

May 18, 2009

I know he has run for POTUS like 6 times but, other than that, who is he and what does he do for a living? More importantly, how do I get a job like his? You know, just show up at events and protest. I would rock at a job like that. 

Most recently, he was arrested for protesting Obama speaking at Notre Dame. (And by the way, can Barry give a great speech or what? Love him or hate him, the dude has a way with words). 

Anyway, back to Alan. What job did he have to take time off from to mosey on up to South Bend to lodge this protest? Is he an attorney, politician, accountant, actor, clown, sewer cleaner? What the hell does this guy actually do? 

Alan reminds me of the Honorable Reverend Al Sharpton. The difference is, I know that Al is a preacher man and has some non-profit (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) organizations. This is how he buys his awesome looking suits and keeps that hair slicked down with a couple of gallons of 10w 30. He is a working man. 

On the other hand, Alan just pops out of the woodwork every now and then. Today, it’s abortion and tomorrow it might be that America sells too many blue cars. He is truly one eclectic cat.   

The king of not really having a job is Jesse Jackson. (By the way, is it a coincidence or conspiracy that these 3 guys are all black?) I am not sure that Jesse has ever actually had a regular job. Granted, he has done a great deal for civil rights and that might be slightly more important than a 9 to 5 job. Plus, I love how he rhymes everything. That is not easy, and I am not peasy. See? I told you rhyming is hard. 

So Alan, Al, and Jesse…how does a tired brother like me get a gig like you have? Can I just show up at rallies and someone hands me a check? Whose job is it to bail me out of jail? (I don’t want to end up like Ram). Will all of these arrests look bad to potential employers or will they see me as Gandhi like and hire me out of pity? These are just some of the questions I need answered. 

By the way, was the protest at Notre Dame a success? Did a woman somewhere say, “Well, I was gonna get an abortion but, since Alan Keyes is against it, I have changed my mind”. If not, what the hell was the point of all of that? I am not condoning abortion but I can’t imagine vilifying women is a good way to achieve your goal. You think about that Alan Keyes as you do whatever the hell your real job is.