Olivia Wilde Is Maxim’s “Hottest” Woman?

How in the hell is this even slightly possible? Don’t attractive women have to have at least a few of the following: Good skin, boobs, hips, an ass, etc? Sadly, Olivia has none of the above. She is the 2009 version of Olive Oyl. Take a look at this “hot” photo.

olivia wilde

Wow! Does she have some sexy bones or what? Guys, how would you like to rub your face between her…err…well, sternum, I guess. I have seen more meat on my lunchtime sandwich. There is nothing even slightly sexy to be seen here. 

Now, to be fair, she does have a few things going for her. First, the bags under her eyes could probably hold about 300 pounds of my belongings so she would be awesome to travel with. Plus, if you ever had some food caught in your teeth you could use one of her fingers to get it out. 

Please, please, please, stop with the malnourished, waif “hot” list. They look terrible and are not the least bit sexy. Plus they look like they are about to keel over any second now. Get this girl a cheeseburger, stat! 

On the other end of ridiculous selections, Michelle Obama was also listed as one of the top 100 hottest women. She wouldn’t even be the 3rd hottest woman in my house. (She would place behind my wife, daughter and Newfoundland). 

If it was a list of powerful or influential women, I would get it. But hot? C’mon. I know once you go black you never go back but they weren’t talking about Michelle. She is attractive in a “wow, that mouth could do some damage” kind of way, but that’s it. 

I suspect the real point of these lists is to create controversy and build circulation for the magazine. By picking Olive Oyl and Michelle, I would say they have accomplished their mission. Unfortunately, Oscar Wilde is hotter than Olivia and that makes this particular list a complete waste. Better luck next time.


44 Responses to Olivia Wilde Is Maxim’s “Hottest” Woman?

  1. Davis says:

    I’m afraid I have to agree with you, even though I’m a big House fan

  2. paige says:

    Hi there. Found your blog through Barely Knit Together and I’m glad I did! Nothing better than a little snark. I”m lmao!

    • tannerleah says:

      Welcome paige! You will find I am an equal opportunity hater. I will no doubt have something bad to say about fat people in the next few days to even the score.

  3. yorksnbeans says:

    Never even heard of her. (Do I have my head stuck in the sand?) No matter, the photo on the left is scary…concentration camp comes to mind. Now Michelle, I tend to disagree. I think for a woman in her mid-forties, she’s doing quite well!!

  4. Era says:

    I love a good rant on a Friday!

  5. George says:

    I’ve never heard of this chick, and I agree with you that there’s nothing “hot” about a chick who’s nothing more than spare kindling sticks.

    I likes me a woman with a little more meat in her…I mean, on her. Gimme some arms that got “wings” hangin’ from ’em, or some boobage that she can tuck under her arms when she’s lyin’ down. That’s the epitome of femininity.

    That’s…um…just my opinon. Yeah.

  6. Ah, the hottest lists, magazineland’s version of the Wonderbra. Anything you can do to boost those sagging numbers.

  7. “arms that got wings hangin’ from em”

    Hmmm George, I think you are at the other end of the spectrum.

  8. haha…i love the Obamas, but Michelle is deff not hot. She’s got that mean overbite, and those big ass feet, and she’s hippy as hell…i think she’s a gorgeous black woman, but in the way she looks like she could fry me some chicken with some cheesy grits with some RED kool aid and shit would be gravy…everyone loves a home cooked meal…just saying…and that other chick…is she the 13 on House? Because she seems hotter when she is on House, but not as hot as Lisa Edelstein…i’d hit that.

  9. So TL, would you, you know?

  10. nursemyra says:

    I’d promote # 63 – Milla Jovovitch – she’s hot.

    Those are terrible photos of the girl from House. She usually looks beautiful, but I had no idea she was that thin

  11. She does usually look beautiful – in her clothes. Is this like the “You’re pretty but you talked” syndrome with a twist? “You’re pretty but you took your clothes off and EWWW?”

  12. womaninblack says:

    I am on that list, right TL? Or at the very least, I hope I’m on yours. And why is this woman wearing a fried egg on her head? Is she so ‘hot’ that she’s cooked it? Whatever, she needs to eat it. Fast.

    • tannerleah says:

      WIB – We missed you! Yes, your big eye is on my list. Sadly, you did not make the Maxim list…but what do they know. They chose Olive Oyl as their best.

  13. Ram Venkatararam says:

    Far too thin. I like a stout woman, a fubsy woman, a woman of subtance!

  14. Kudos to you for saying it like it is. More men need to voice it that this ‘corpse on coke’ look is not hot. Unless you’re Andy Dick. In which case he could just use them as a perfectly flat table to cut lines off of.

    (Oh, and I see her sternum and raise it to 38C).

  15. I fully support that standard of “hotness” mainly because, um, I would be better described as a toothpick than a beachball. Now if we can just include freaky height as a requirement (damn Amazonian must be in my bloodline since I’m 6’3″) and exchange grace for utter clumsiness I would be able to zoom rapidly up the hot list myself.

    • tannerleah says:

      Tall makes you a model in our society. I will gladly trade you 20 pounds of my fatness for your thinness. (Oh, and you can be on my top 100 list. Granted, I don’t know 100 women so everyone makes the list but still…)

  16. Flat chested women look better in their clothes and can dress in anything. It’s significantly harder to dress a busty body.

    Of course, when a woman walks into a room, men don’t say, “Wow, look at that outfit!”

  17. And every time I see that picture up there, I desperately want to say it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

  18. i’ve been super thin like that and its not cute at all. everyone would tell me how awful i looked. i dont understand girls who think its more attractive to have no boobs or ass but to be a size 2. insecure wenches.

  19. Sarah says:

    It’s gotta be because of the lesbian sex scene in House: you know, how hetero guys get all hot and bothered by two women getting it on?

    • tannerleah says:

      Ah! The old lesbo link…never thought of that but you may be right. My daughter tells me that many of the girls on Facebook list themselves as “bi” to appeal to more boys. That must make a parent so proud.

  20. Cynthia says:

    Crap! Don’t agree at all..I came in at #102…what’s up with that LOL

  21. me says:

    You guys are crazy. Those photos are unflattering. It happens to everybody. Look at other ones of her. SHe’s stunning. You don’t need large breasts to be hot. Sorry fat girls!. She absolutely sensual. A flat chest well carried around with confidence is so much sexier. It has nothing to do with eating. Beautiful elegant woman. Now on Obama I agree.

  22. Mark says:

    She is hot yes, and women don’t need large breasts to be hot, but, should she be number 1? I don’t think so.

    It seems that these hottest women lists are just about who’s the most popular, rather than who’s actually the best looking. Proof of that is Michelle being so high… wtf?

    For a better, and more accurate list, I’d recommend this one: Top 11 Hottest Women

    (Keep reading till no.1, there’s a surprise.)

  23. Jay says:

    OMG, magazines use these lists to create controversy and build circulation? Who would have suspected? Can they do that?
    Like many other actual humans, Olivia Wilde, looks better in professional make-up and wardrobe, flattering light and a Wonderbra. Yes, Wilde is painfully flat-chested. Despite her beautiful face, she’s trying to reach that ridiculous Hollywood goal, size 0.
    On the other hand, and this may come as a surprise, Olivia has far less plastic content and is exponentially less photoshopped than many of the entrants on that alternative list. So it’s a case of which unreal standard you endorse.

  24. andreea says:

    yayaya large boobs=hot woman…..no wayyy!!! she has the attitude to be hot no matter her body and she is skinny because that is the way she is made!!!! and she is hott!! “Get this girl a cheeseburger, stat! ” do you hear yourself? if that’s how your going to say shes not hot damn…..anyway you can be skinny and chubby but if you have the attitude and features to be hot then you are hot!!!and she definitely has both of them

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