Art Is For Suckers (And Rich People)

I mean, how else do you explain someone paying over 9 million dollars for the following piece of “art”.

Spring Art Auction

Are you fu**ing kidding me? 9 million for drawing 8 straight lines. This is art? I mean, I could see if it had like 12 lines or maybe even 10…but 8? The guy that bought this painting is the guy that is paying the Nigerian prince. He has to be the only person that stupid in the entire world. 

Beyond the fact that it is horrible to look at, it is in black and white! For that kind of cash, shouldn’t a brother get some color in the painting? I am sure it is black and white so that it is “minimalist” and “austere” and whatever other fancy words one wants to use to justify the price tag. 

I would be embarrassed to hang that thing in my house unless I could claim that I found it lying in an alley or I paid a starving artist. The artist in this case is Piet Mondrian. I won’t lie…never heard of the guy. I do know, however, that Piet is about as stupid of a name as I have ever heard. No wonder the poor bastard became an artist. He probably got his butt kicked on a regular basis for having such an awful name. 

Anyway, I have now decided I should become an artist. Not a good one, but more of an abstract artist. Here is my first work. It is called, “Black and white lines on white”. See how minimalist and abstract that is? I am selling it for a minimum of 2 million dollars although I am always open to all offers. (So don’t be ashamed to offer me a Big Mac or a can of Diet Coke).

black and white lines

As with my writing, I am also a prolific artist. I can pound out as many of these bad boys as you need. So don’t be worried if the first one gets sold before you have a chance to bid on it. As a great artist, I am always creating. Plus, if you would like colored lines, I will only charge an extra million. As you can see my generosity knows no boundaries. 

Now please, someone hurry up and call the douche pump that paid the 9 mil and let him know what I am offering for a much more modest price. I appreciate the help. Happy creating my artistic friends!


22 Responses to Art Is For Suckers (And Rich People)

  1. I think I used to have that design as a floor tile in my kitchen.

  2. Davis says:

    I think the artwork is in the purchase itself — absurdist

  3. i am now annoyed. i am an artist and i pour my heart in soul into make my art and have never been offered 9mil. Heck i’m like you i’d take a big mac or a can of Pepsi…this shit is bananas.

  4. yorksnbeans says:

    I was an art major so I definitely have heard of Mondrian, but I do admit, 9mil is unbelievable. Piet would be quite pleased. The guy who bought it obviously likes to brag.

    • yorksnbeans says:

      P.S. I can just hear it now….the guy is throwing a cocktail party to show this piece off and is having a conversation with a buddy “Yea, I paid a pretty penny for this one, 9 mil.” His buddy “Ahh, that’s nothing compared to the Van Gogh I spent 17mil on just to put that smart-ass Vanderhoffen in his place.”

  5. Bart says:

    This is an excerpt from Wikipedia about this loser:

    In the 1921 paintings, many of the black lines (but not all of them) stop short at a seemingly arbitrary distance from the edge of the canvas, although the divisions between the rectangular forms remain intact. Here too, the rectangular forms are still mostly colored. As the years passed and Mondrian’s work evolved further, he began extending all of the lines to the edges of the canvas, and he also began to use fewer and fewer colored forms, favoring white instead.

    This is NOT art!! Any moron can do this!!

  6. art vandelay says:

    Ol Piet is laughing all the way to the bank!

  7. elizabeth3hersh says:

    The Wiki version of TL’s rendition:

    In 2009, American Neo-Plasticist TL, shockingly bastardized the Piet Mondrian grid by adding the oblique perspective which is rumored to have a phallic interpretation. It was his intention to have the viewer readily be able to pluck the x,y and z elements from his body of works. Notice the varying thickness of the sets of parallel vertical lines which he employed to represent disproportionism. It is rumored that the horizontal lines were incorporated to pay homage to trapeze artists. If you examine the piece very carefully, the lines in the lower far left corner are more narrow and intentionally blurred. The oblique lines and sharpness of the upper right hand corner have the intended effect of causing the eyes to drift upward and to the right and to remain focused. TL passionately disagreed with Plato’s view that all art is an elaborate trompe l’oeil, rather, he was more aligned with Aristotle in viewing art as therapy….

    …I have no idea what I am talking about.

  8. Bart says:

    Brilliant Liz!

  9. nursemyra says:

    Guess I’m the only one here who is a long time fan of Mondrian’s work but I do prefer some of the coloured pieces.

    I hate Tracey Emin’s stuff though. No one can convince me an unmade bed is Art.

  10. Ram Venkatararam says:

    I’m no critic but it’s a well known fact that best art always includes one of the following components:

    1) anthropomorphic dogs engaged in games of chance

    2) clown faces

    3) French Royalty with skinny dogs and robust facial hair.

    And I believe an unmade bed can be a work of art.

  11. nursemyra says:

    But whose bed Ram? Not Tracey Emin’s?

  12. I’m titling it “Keep On Truckin’ to the Monkeybars.”

    And I’m willing to give you a left-handed compliment for it.

  13. I have to admit that I like Piet Mondrian, but what do I know, I also think gallbladders are funny.

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