The Great Bike Theft (BB&B)

May 11, 2009

Part of my childhood was spent growing up in a dirty, mid sized industrial city. In the sample chapter titled “Will”, I spoke about how my Dad had his car stolen. I also had items stolen on a regular basis…usually my bike. 

The reason for this was simple; I didn’t lock it up every time I got off of it. For instance, one time I ran into a 7/11 for maybe two minutes to buy a soda and by the time I exited the store, my bike was gone. 

Fortunately, some friends saw the kids who stole it. The store owner, who was now convinced these same kids had probably shoplifted him, called the cops to report the stolen bike. 

Within what seemed like no time at all, the police were there and asked my friends to describe the kids. All they had was “they were black”. Back in the good old days, this was not profiling as much as an indicator as to what neighborhood they were from. The Hispanics lived in one part of town, the Italians another, the blacks yet another, and so on. 

We drove to the “black” part of town in the cop car and saw a bunch of kids sitting around on their bikes. The cops asked if I recognized my bike and I said I couldn’t be sure. As I sat in the back of the cruiser, they got out and proceeded to knock each kid off of the bike he was sitting on. One by one they tumbled, cursing and screaming police brutality. This seemed to only agitate the two cops. 

Finally, after each bike had been brought over to me, I could not identify mine. The cops seemed more discourage than even I was. At least they weren’t going to have to face the wrath of my Dad. 

As we started to pull away, I noticed that one of the bikes had the initials “SB” embedded in the bottom of it. My bike! My Dad always pounded our initials into everything we owned. After about a 30 second disagreement with the kids, the cops seized the bike and threw it in the trunk. 

All was right with the world. I had my bike back and, except for the fact that they had pulled all of the handlebar tape off and jacked up the hand breaks, it would be like it never happened. Except for one tiny problem… 

I went to school with those kids. I knew them and they knew me. To make a long story short, I was thrown into the lockers on a regular basis each time I saw these guys for the remainder of the school year. They never really hurt me…just wanted to make sure that I understood who was in charge. Knowing that these kids could inflict much more serious damage to me, I had no problem with that. 

In retrospect, I was quite the pussy back then, wasn’t I?

Does Jesus Support Boob Jobs?

May 11, 2009

I ask because of this latest controversy involving Miss California, Carrie Prejean. Carrie makes no bones about having implants. Which is good since her boobs look like two softballs super glued to her sternum. Ewww… 

Since Carrie is a devout Christian, something must have lead her to believe that Jesus would be ok with her altering her body shape. While I am sure Jesus is all for working out and being healthy, where in the Bible does it say anything about implant approval? 

And God said unto them, “Let there be boobs. Big boobs”…and so there were boobs.  

I just don’t see that happening. No, Carrie, like many of her Christian cohorts, has bastardized the words of Jesus and Christianity to meet their personal needs. I want boobs and, since how God made me just isn’t good enough, I will have man make me better. That thought process just screams devotion. 

I must say I was disappointed that when Carrie lost, she didn’t thank Jesus for her loss. “I would just like to thank Jesus for allowing me to be second best”. You just know backstage she was muttering to herself, “Thanks Jesus…for a big fat nothing!” 

And now the conservative right has a new spokesperson for their continued fight against gay marriage. I know that when I am stuck on these kinds of deep, philosophical questions, I seek out the advice of a blond, boob implanted, young California chick. Is there a better place to seek council?  

The only thing I can agree with Carrie about is her nude photos. Like her, I also believe that Jesus condones nude photos…but only of hot chicks. I mean, just look at all of the nude photos of the Virgin Mary on the Internet. Clearly, Christians love them some nudity. 

So Carrie, a word or two of advice. First, try to talk less. This will make you look more intelligent. Also, either upsize your boobs or get those softballs taken out…they look ridiculous. Next, make a lesbian soft porn movie. This will go a long way in giving you some sort of career. As Anita Bryant will tell you, just hating gays is not really a career choice. 

For my Jesus loving friends, can you please tell me if Jesus is ok with nudity and boob implants? I think he is but, being a heathen, I don’t really know. Please check the Bible and give me a verse or two. Thanks.