Dog Shock Collars Are Not For Children

May 6, 2009

Apparently, Todd Marcum failed to get this message. Todd thought it would be “funny” to shock his 4 kids, all under the age of 10. While I agree it sounds funny, I am sure there are some sort of rules against it. (Here’s a pic of Todd).


I guess this all happened when Todd’s wife was at work. He shocked each kid and then chased them around threatening to do it again. Unfortunately, these kids failed to see the humor in this fun game and one of the little rats called the mom. She came home, got the story, and then called the po-po on her old man. 

The truth is, this is despicable behavior. Water boarding is way funnier and much more age appropriate. Plus, the dog collar just doesn’t put out the kind of voltage you need to really have a good time. Too bad Todd didn’t have a Taser. Then he could have zapped them and watched them flop on the ground for awhile. 

What’s interesting to me is that no one has a problem electrocuting a defenseless dog but if you do it to a kid, everyone screams “abuse”. Ask the dog how he feels about having his nads shrunk every time he gets jolted for walking too far off of the beaten path. 

Todd was charged with four first-degree criminal mistreatment charges and is currently in jail. When he gets out and gets home, he is probably gonna get an a** whippin’ from Mrs. Marcum. You would think she would know what kind of sense of humor her husband has since they have a 9 year old. My guess is that he is not allowed to watch the kids anymore. Of course, that might have been his master plan all along. 

Now, before all of you dads run out and buy a shock collar so you too can get out of watching the kids, realize that it is illegal. Again, I would suggest using government approved torture so you can at least use that excuse when you go to court. “But your Honor, Dick Cheney said we could do it!” Of course, if you get a “Barry” judge, your goose is cooked. 

I hope the Kate + 8 husband doesn’t find out about this. He will be ordering shock collars for the whole gaggle of kids. 

Jon, just be sure to get a large one for your shrew wife and give her double the voltage. Maybe that will shut her the hell up for at least a brief period of time. By the way, good luck with your new girlfriend (who is way hotter than your crazy, narcissistic wife. What the hell is going on with her hair, anyway?)

Anyone Play “Hump The Dog”? (BB&B)

May 6, 2009

Technically, the dog actually humps you but “hump the dog” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? 

Let me explain for those of you unfamiliar with this fun pastime. When I was a youngster, I had a dog named Hobo. Hobo loved to do two things…run away and hump things. He would eventually run away permanantly one day but not before humping a ton of things while under our care. 

The kids in the neighborhood would play all kinds of games on pretty much a daily basis. Prior to finding Hobo, the loser(s) would have to go through the “hot oven” if they lost. This consisted of crawling on your hands and knees between the legs of the other kids as they swatted your butt. I can assure you that, although this screamed “gay”, there were no sexual connotations. 

Once we came across Hobo, the new punishment for the loser was to be humped by Hobo for 30 seconds. Sometimes, if Hobo was really in the mood, you would be marked with a “spot”. This was the ultimate humiliation. 

One of my favorite games back then was “bottle rocket”. In this game, you would drop a large firecracker (M80 or Cherry Bomb) into a glass bottle with the top broken off. You would stand in a circle to see who would be the first to break the circle and run away from the impending explosion. Sounds like fun, eh? 

We had a variety of similar intelligent, well thought out games. Generally speaking, the more likely the loser would be maimed in a game, the more we wanted to play it. A lot of the games involved gasoline…always a sure winner to keep the kids entertained. 

Another game we played was “grab in the dark”. This was played when girls were available. The point was to crawl around in a pitch dark basement and, when you came across someone, reach out and grab a handful of something. Again, in retrospect, there may have been some gay facets with this game but I am sure they were unintentional. 

I missed Hobo when he ran away. I don’t think it was because of his uncanny ability to hump things but maybe I am kidding myself. His talent was truly rare. You will also be glad to know that none of us were ever seriously hurt in these games and I couldn’t tell you where our parents were. It was just a different, kinder, gentler time. As for “grab in the dark”…I mostly grabbed junk. I don’t really miss that game.