They Stole My Lunch Money! (BB&B)

May 4, 2009

When I was a youngster, I was almost always broke as a fool. Sometimes I had a paper route and that would land me a buck or two. Or, if times were good, I would get a dollar for an allowance. Still, I rarely carried any money and was more likely to be carrying food stamps than green backs. 

One Christmas when I was about 14, someone, somewhere gave me $20. I can’t remember who it was but they had obviously confused me with some other child. Still, I was thrilled to death to be rolling in cash and proudly carried my twenty with me…everywhere. 

When we returned to school from Christmas break, I was still flashing my $20 to anyone that was willing to look at it. Somehow, this $20 bill was giving me the kind of self esteem I so desperately lacked. I finally broke the $20 on a Hostess apple pie. (Possibly one of the greatest foods ever made). While I was now down 50 cents, I actually had more bills to flash around! This was awesome. 

Awesome until 3 enterprising young men decided they needed to relieve me of the burden of carrying this cash. As two approached me from the front, one circled around behind me. The two stopped right in front of me and started up some small talk. This was odd since I didn’t usually attract this kind of attention. Before I knew it, the kid behind me had snatched my wallet from my back pocket. 

He immediately opened it and took the wad of cash I had in it. The three started laughing and started to walk away. I pleaded, “Can I at least have my wallet back? My school ID is in there”. One of the nice young men then flipped me my empty wallet. 

Or so he thought. You see, my dad had taught me about the “secret compartment” each wallet holds. This is where I had hidden the $10 bill left over from my change. So, in spite of losing the battle, I had in fact won the war! (Ok, not really, I was still out the 9 bucks. Plus, they had pretty much emotionally bitch slapped me and I did nothing).

The lesson to be learned? Always walk backwards. That way, the criminals can’t sneak up on you. (In the movie version of this story, I am going to have Chuck Norris show up and kick their collective a**es).

Mother’s Day Canceled Due To Swine Flu

May 4, 2009

I am sorry to be the one to announce this but someone needed to. Since many flowers and chocolate items come from Mexico (I read it on the Internet, so I know it is true), we need to cancel Mother’s Day so our moms are not poisoned by the swine flu.

I know this is disappointing but the scientific community has spoken. It is also recommended that people not go out to eat this weekend or go to movies or events that might be deemed “gayish”. I am not sure why this rule is in effect but I suspect it is because the gays like to stand real close to you.

Jewelry has also been contaminated. (Especially diamonds). I guess these items are mostly smuggled into the country in the butts of pigs and have become covered in the H1N1 virus. (This is particularly a shame as I had hoped to buy a bunch of diamonds this week).

Breakfast in bed has also been canceled. This is due to the fact that a prone body is more susceptible to the flu than a body that is up and about. In fact, vigorous in home activities, like cleaning, are strongly encouraged. Particularly in women who tend to have a weaker immune system (Which is ALL women).

Besides cleaning, spending all day on the phone cackling speaking with friends and distant family members is also encouraged. This is especially important if there happens to be some sort of sporting event on TV. (Personally, I fail to see the correlation between the two but who am I to argue with the experts?)

Lastly, expectations of the “holiday” should be kept exceedingly low. Stress lowers our immune systems and nagging making too many suggestions can make your spouse more vulnerable to the disease. And, after all, you wouldn’t want to be the cause of your loved one becoming ill, would you?

So, as you can see, this is a very disappointing development for us husbands. We were looking forward to lavishing our spouses with the kind of attention and baubles that they so richly deserve. We want to do these things but the CDC (or someone equally important sounding) has said no.

In my mind, the right thing to do is to save up all of the positive energy, time, and money that would have been spent on Mother’s Day and utilize it on Father’s Day once the flu has run it’s full course and is in less important parts of the world, like England.

This has been another critical public service message brought to you by Tannerleah. As always, you are welcome.