Pants Under Or Over The Belly?

As my stomach expands with age (and junk food), I am starting to worry that I    am going to have to make a major decision in my life. That decision is, of course, whether to wear my stomach over my belt or wrap my belt around my stomach. 

To date, I have just rested my gut comfortably over my belt. This is how most guys do it and it seems to work pretty well. I am at a disadvantage only in the sense that my ass was surgically removed when I was young so my pants want to fall from the downward pressure. 

I suppose I could rock the suspenders, and look damned good doing it, but I think that look went out in the fifties. (Except for Larry King who, sadly, died 10 years ago). Or, I could just cinch the belt really tight like I do now. Still, it can be uncomfortable when I sit for long periods of time. (Which is all the time). 

If I wrap the belt around my stomach, like say, Santa does, I will lose what little bit of dignity I have left. Nothing is more pathetic than the dude that has his pants pulled half way up his torso with his junk hemmed in from the legs being pulled too tight. Still, it seems like a comfortable approach and at almost 50, no one gives a crap what I am doing anyway. 

I am sure some of you will say, “Hey, fat ass. Why don’t you just lose the weight?” First, thank you for your kindness. Second, I have lost the weight, and gained it, and lost it, etc. Doesn’t there come a point in my life where I can stop fighting that fight. I just look like I swallowed a bowling ball, is that so horrible? I am not all Oprah, sloppy big. (And remember, black is supposed to make you look thinner). 

I guess I will just leave things the way they are and try to keep my weight under control through continued lying around and eating bad food. Fingers crossed, I think it just might work. Plus, the ridicule I would take from my family if I hitched my trousers over my naval would be unbearable. They are all waif like and treat the “fat dude” poorly. I can’t give them anymore ammo. 

If you can think of a better alternative plan, please feel free to share. (And no Liz, I don’t want to hear about eating more carrots or, Oz forbid, “working out”).

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42 Responses to Pants Under Or Over The Belly?

  1. squirrel says:

    Alright,considering I am an expert in this area, so may I just recommend PUT THE JELLY DONUT DOWN!!!!!!!! I don’t care if you don’t want to hear lose the weight. That’s exactly what you need to do. Do you honestly think you can’t lose even just 20-30 pounds and keep it off? I personally know this is possible. So here’s how to do it. Don’t send someone every week to Burger King or Taco Hell to load you up on crap food. Also don’t write donuts or chips on the grocery list. Maybe you could actually get off the chair for a while and walk around, this will also help with the belt problem. You sound very much like a quitter right now, and that seems to be VERY unlike you. You may be lazy, but not a quitter. FIGHT THE BELLY. YOU CAN DO IT. Or else I will be reprising my song “Fatman.”

    • tannerleah says:

      First of all, I don’t eat jelly donuts…I prefer lemon filled. Next, I know I can lose weight. That doesn’t mean I WANT to. You call that “quitting” I call it “lost in the haze of alcohol, soft middle age”.

      One more thing, Miss Opinion, I was thinner than you when I was 20. Time takes its toll. When you are rolling around at 300 pounds by the age of 30, I am going to be hard pressed not to say something mean. But I won’t cause I’m classy like that.

  2. Bart says:

    Do you tuck the shirt in or leave it out? There’s always liposuction or ass implants to balance out the look!

  3. squirrel says:

    First of all there is no way you were thinner than me at 20. Unless you were anorexic which I find VERY unlikely considering. I will never be rolling around at 300 pounds thank you. I will however tell them to go ahead and knock the wall down so they can get you out of the house and to the home.

  4. Bart says:

    If you become a rapper dude you can just wear your pants down by your knees (of course you’ll need some cool undies – like Marky Mark).

  5. Tizzle says:

    Dude take the easy way out and get the lap-band. You could be a sexy beast again in no time.

  6. panama says:

    Get over it…everybody…unless they are ill can lose weight…I’m 6’3″ 210 and I’ve never been overweight….don’t get in a hurry with that response…I’m older than you too.

    You don’t really want to look like a python that has swallowed a pig do you?

  7. Hmmm, how about one of those “exercise” bands that you wrap around your waist and run off of batteries which work the abs without you having to do anything other than just sit there watching TV or even eating lemon filled donuts (which are rather tasty). That may solve the problem without any of the nasty effort of actually working out which sounds like a fairly sweet deal in my opinion.

  8. Along with Microsoft Works, the best oxymoron ever was “Larry King Live.”

  9. art vandelay says:

    Why not just wear athletic pants, that way you can make that cool “swooshing” sound when you walk!

  10. Bart says:

    Get some Spanx

  11. elizabeth3hersh says:

    …Spanx for men…I checked online and turned up such a product. British based Equmen utilizes compression technologies that “augment what should stand out and diminish what shouldn’t.” I now know what to get you for XMAS 2009.

    You should rethink the suspenders. The following logos/themes are all available:

    “Say no to crack”
    Flag of Malta
    Goth
    Neon
    Scottish Tartan
    “Save the Forest”
    Leopard Print (if you are ever feeling frisky)
    Bingo

    and my favorite: rainbow suspenders.

    You would look dashing and dapper in any of them.

  12. tannerleah says:

    Rainbow it is. I can’t wait for my Spanx!!!

  13. I’m assuming Spanx (for Men) funnels all your belly fat directly into your schlong. I only ask because a friend of mine…

  14. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Schlong…hey, someone else here knows a little Yiddish.

  15. Sweats Model says:

    I haven’t found anything that works better than standing naked in front of a 3-way mirror in the department store dressing room. It’s something you have to work up to, though, so I’d recommend some serious donut fortification beforehand.

  16. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I can wholeheartedly attest that that method works.

  17. Era says:

    At first I was worried about your continued approach, but when I saw that your fingers would be crossed, I was relieved.

    BTW, belt under the belly allows you to buy pants with a smaller waist size, if that’s any consolation.

  18. tannerleah says:

    God, to think that, for all practical purposes, I have become a muffin top. I have no reason to live.

  19. kevin john says:

    Yea Tannerleah i know how you feel.
    Aside from having all the hot chicks wasting their time around stealthly built, hard 25 year year olds that just happen to have nice hair but still have to save up loose change for the weekend drinking parties, I just don’t understand why the sluts go for them.
    One excellent remedy I have used in the past is to purchase a case of excellently imported beer and place it on the floor, whereist I place my feet in a sitting position and reach up toward the bottles of (cold) beer.Most people call those things “sit ups”.
    Once you do, say 5-9 depending on your tolerance, go ahead and reward yourself with a few brewskis! Simple?

    Anyway, since you’ve given up , can I have your computer?
    I promise not to use it to view porn.

  20. Ram Venkatararam says:

    I’d suggest a prison jumpsuit TL…They are surprisingly roomy and don’t require belts. (they do, however, come with considerable stigma).

    Giant one piece baby pajamas are always an option too. They’re tighter than the jump suit but a softer cotton. Plus, people will rub your belly, pinch your cheeks and try to sniff you.

  21. elizabeth3hersh says:

    How about a Snuggie?

  22. pinnythewu says:

    Just go naked. Eventually gravity will take hold and smooth everything out. You’ll just need really big shoes to store the excess fat in.

  23. I had similar thoughts on just how to deal with this predicament and have gone “Jumpsuit”. Easy on, easy off and inexpensive. I have my name on them and a fake company logo so people think I’m wearing them for work. Very sliming and comfortable.

  24. tannerleah says:

    2 votes for jumpsuits. I am in.

    (Liz, do you remember someone that wore jumpsuits on a regular basis?)

  25. elizabeth3hersh says:

    …give me a hint…

  26. pinnythewu says:

    Ram has a lovely orange jumpsuit. Maybe you guys could start a trend.

  27. kevin john says:

    Dang Tann, this one won’t die!….i wonder why.

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