I am not 100% sure, but it seems that I have many of the symptoms. I am eating, well, like a pig. Plus, I have been surprisingly drawn to mud lately. My nose also seems to be getting more snout like these days. Let’s face it, I am a dead man walking.
Of course I also had monkey pox when it was popular and I did manage to live through that. I threw poopy a lot and my butt turned a bright, glowing red. (The chicks really dug it…the red butt, not the poop throwing).
Then I had the bird flu where I started to peck my food and could have sworn that I was starting to grow wings. (Turns out, according to my doctor, I was just hallucinating from some bad peyote).
In any case, I want it to be on record that I am part of this latest and greatest pandemic. I like being associated with big world events and this seems like a fairly easy one to get in on. Also, when the 6 trillion dollar lawsuit is filed, you had better believe that I am going to be on that metaphoric bus.
I also want to start a lottery on what animal will be the cause of the next “great” pandemic. I was going to say cows but, of course, mad cow has already been done. (I had that one too. It used to pi** me off because people kept tipping me over. Very annoying).
I was also going to go with cats. But then I remembered they are useless creatures that kill babies. That’s right…I remember that from baby class. A kitty will kill your baby if they get a chance. There is a name for this but I can’t remember what it is. I am sure one of you breeders out there will know.
It seems we are starting to run out of killer pandemic animals to be afraid of. I will nominate chipmunks. Sure, they look cute but my understanding is that are deviously clever and not very good singers. They also dress poorly and bug the hell out of humans. Chipmunk flu just sounds dangerous, doesn’t it?
So, you heard it here first. Stay clear of the killer chipmunks. (Not to be confused with killer rabbits that have since been eliminated). If you should see a chipmunk, run from it as if your life depends on it…it just might.
Why do I keep making “oink” sounds? I am a sure goner. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Raise a slice of bacon in my memory.