I Think I Have The Swine Flu

I am not 100% sure, but it seems that I have many of the symptoms. I am eating, well, like a pig. Plus, I have been surprisingly drawn to mud lately. My nose also seems to be getting more snout like these days. Let’s face it, I am a dead man walking. 

Of course I also had monkey pox when it was popular and I did manage to live through that. I threw poopy a lot and my butt turned a bright, glowing red. (The chicks really dug it…the red butt, not the poop throwing). 

Then I had the bird flu where I started to peck my food and could have sworn that I was starting to grow wings. (Turns out, according to my doctor, I was just hallucinating from some bad peyote). 

In any case, I want it to be on record that I am part of this latest and greatest pandemic. I like being associated with big world events and this seems like a fairly easy one to get in on. Also, when the 6 trillion dollar lawsuit is filed, you had better believe that I am going to be on that metaphoric bus. 

I also want to start a lottery on what animal will be the cause of the next “great” pandemic. I was going to say cows but, of course, mad cow has already been done. (I had that one too. It used to pi** me off because people kept tipping me over. Very annoying). 

I was also going to go with cats. But then I remembered they are useless creatures that kill babies. That’s right…I remember that from baby class. A kitty will kill your baby if they get a chance. There is a name for this but I can’t remember what it is. I am sure one of you breeders out there will know. 

It seems we are starting to run out of killer pandemic animals to be afraid of. I will nominate chipmunks. Sure, they look cute but my understanding is that are deviously clever and not very good singers. They also dress poorly and bug the hell out of humans. Chipmunk flu just sounds dangerous, doesn’t it? 

So, you heard it here first. Stay clear of the killer chipmunks. (Not to be confused with killer rabbits that have since been eliminated). If you should see a chipmunk, run from it as if your life depends on it…it just might. 

Why do I keep making “oink” sounds? I am a sure goner. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Raise a slice of bacon in my memory.


27 Responses to I Think I Have The Swine Flu

  1. Bart says:

    Chipmunk flu? I’ll believe that when pigs fly! Oh, I guess they have!

  2. Pamela says:

    LOL do you find yourself ‘oinking’?

    And WP wont upload new avatars so I’m stuck this this one. Uggh

  3. Speaking of cats, and housepets in general, you love them and feed them and buy ridiculously expensive things for them, but if you somehow die inside your house, they’re just going to get into everything you never let them in before and, once they’re bored/hungry, return to eat your corpse.

  4. squirrel says:

    I love cats, kittens, puppies, and dogs. So please leave them alone, and buy me a puppy. You can fly in on Santa’s sleigh and give it to me. Thank you.

  5. squirrel says:

    Also, are squirrels involved in this chipmunk disease, just wondering since I’m related to them.

  6. tannerleah says:

    No…luckily for you. Or else your bedroom would be my bigger office.

  7. lviss says:


  8. Based on my vast knowledge of epidemiology, I am pretty sure you have pig clap.

  9. nursemyra says:

    How about koala ‘flu? That sounds cute and cuddly. everyone will want it!

  10. squirrel says:

    I’m pretty sure I didn’t use the word “want” in that message, also just wait a couple years and I’m sure I’ll be gone for good anyways, probably to Japan I’m thinking. Sad day for you guys.

  11. Bearman says:

    Sings “Cat Scratch FEVER!!!”

  12. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Since this isn’t a kosher disease, I’m immune.

  13. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Deigeh nisht! There will be a flu bug someday just for Jooz and it will somehow involve money, couponomy and lawyers (and then YOU can gloat).

  14. squirrel says:

    I come up with this stuff, because this is a blog. Like I want people to know where I really am going. I mean I might not even tell you where I’m going. Joking of course. I need you to know my address so you can send gifts and money of course.

  15. squirrel says:

    Didn’t realize I used “of course” twice. Lame of me. Anyways should I be worried about this swine flu? Or is this just another thing the media is trying to scare us with. I haven’t figured it out yet. I sure don’t want to die though either.

    • tannerleah says:

      Well, 36,000 people died from the “regular” flu last year. Have you been worrying about that? If not, then I wouldn’t worry about the killer swine flu.

  16. squirrel says:

    I read that in the article on yahoo, which is why I asked. See you in less than a killer week.

  17. elizabeth3hersh says:

    It would behoove us all to have some back-burner contingency plans in the event this virus becomes more virulent. A few cases of swine flu out of a US population of 300 million doesn’t sound like anything to be alarmed about, but it COULD become a real problem. Sort of reminds me of all those hurricane parties we had in Florida and then Andrew blew in.

  18. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I just saw this on The Sun (UK) web site:

    “Why can’t pigs catch man flu? Hundreds of swine lying around pigsties with slightly runny snouts oinking: ‘I’m dying’”…Michael McIntyre

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