Leona Helmsley Leaves $1 Million For Dogs

C’mon…are you kidding me? A cool million for dogs? I am sitting here eating Alpo 3 times a week and I can’t even get a twenty? What the hell kind of world do we live in? If the money goes to Chinese dogs, will it pay for condiments or maybe some ingredients in the “special sauce” they pour over the carcass?

I just don’t get rich people leaving a ton of money to animals with all of the human suffering in the world. I have a dog and he will be lucky to get an empty can to kick around in circles when I die. (The cat isn’t going to fare much better). Animals are important…but only to a certain extent. Certainly not to the tune of a million dollars.

Nutty Leona also left 15 million to health care systems in South Dakota. Huh? Wouldn’t it make more sense just to give each of the 15 residents of South Dakota a million each and let them fend for themselves? Who the hell cares about South Dakota anyway? In fact, I would rather see the dogs get more money than some Eskimo or Indian that lives in a wigwam in South Dakota. What a freaking rip off.

Beyond that, she left a bunch millions more to various research and health centers. Hey Leona…you are dead! Give all you want but you ain’t coming back. (Unless you had your big head frozen. Then I suppose anything is possible these days). By the way, can I just point out that Leona should have spent a little bit of her fortune on some cosmetic surgery? Not a handsome woman…at all.

Helmsley Auction

Old rich people, please turn your hearing aid up and listen to me. Stop giving your money away to useless causes! Give the money to real people, like me, that will use the money in a variety of awesome ways. Sure, “research” will suffer but no one will care because the awesome party we will be having will make us forget our worries and ailments. Just leave me 500k and I will show you how much more fun than a dog I can have. (And they can lick themselves!)

Supposedly, Helmsley’s estate is worth 5 to 8 billion dollars. That means there is still plenty of cash available to be sent to good folks like me. Whoever is in charge…do the right thing. Give the cash to people, not animals or institutions. You will feel better knowing you did the right thing plus I will set you up with a really nice looking hooker (as long as she costs less than $100. I don’t want to blow all my cash at once).


19 Responses to Leona Helmsley Leaves $1 Million For Dogs

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Loosen up your jockstrap a tad TL…you didn’t give South Dakota enough credit. Home of: The Badlands, Black Hills, the awesome Crazy Horse memorial, Deadwood (!!!) and Mount Rushmore, clean air and a rad landscape.

    Their motto is rumored to be: “Bison, the other red meat”. What’s not to love?

    You know, you could set up a PayPal account so your readers can donate or better yet, set up on a Ponzi scheme (just let me one of your initial “investors”).

    Leona Helmsley, Candy Spelling…both an ilk of Heb that gives me the heebie-jeebies.

  2. art vandelay says:

    If I had some excess cash laying around like Miss Helmsley I would definitely leave some to my darling canines…I love them as much as my children…true story.

  3. art vandelay says:

    Oh there is a lot wrong with me…you know that. I guess if the house were burning down and I had to choose between the children and the dogs I would rescue the kids…but it would be a close call, no question. You know, DOG is GOD spelled backwards….how do you like that one?

  4. art vandelay says:

    Yes but boobie spelled backwards is ieboob..that doesn’t even make sense!

    • tannerleah says:

      Really? That’s your contribution? I expect so much more from you….how disappointing.

      • mistake 1: expectations. keep em low to be surprised as opposed to keeping em high and getting dissapointed. thats my motto.

        and wtf. if someone knocked on your door and said “guess what?!? neil armstrong landed on the moon…” how would you react? HOW? this was front page news.

        • tannerleah says:

          First, I don’t answer my door. I don’t like visitors. Second, if I did, I would fake like I was interested. You should see how nice I am to religous folks that come visit me. They love me…until I tell them Jesus isn’t real. Then they seem to quickly lose interest.

  5. art vandelay says:

    The biblical explanation of a rainbow is God’s sign of his covenant to never flood the earth again (after Noah) I’m sure Liz could shred this to pieces scientifically but I still like it…a little tidbit I learnt at discipleship class! Besides, who doesn’t get a little giddy when you see a rainbow??

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    …”discipleship classes”…

    I LOVE the sound of that! In addition to all the clipped newspaper articles and educational programming I force feed my teenage girls (they secretly relish it), I am adding discipleship classes PRONTO. It’s about time they learn a Mom-centered life and start showing me more respect.

  7. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Tit is also a palindromic word…

    A fun palindrome:

    “Ted, a cadet, alerted a cadet, saw I DNA-tested a cadet, arrested a cadet, debated a cadet; so Pete posted a cadet a bed Ted, a cadet, serrated: a cadet set and I wasted a cadet,” related a cadet. (Martin Clear…a man clearly with a lot of time on his hands)

    My eyes are dizzy!

  8. art vandelay says:

    er…dischipleship classes are for people who follow Christ..are you sure you wanna go there?

    • tannerleah says:

      I thought all of the disciple spots were taken? Are you like a back up disciple? I might want to get in on that. Those guys could rock a robe.

      Wait a minute…disciples are MEN. Are you under cover or something?

  9. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I had something a little different in mind. My discipleship classes will revolve around Mom. Teaching will focus on housekeeping, good manners and edification of the mind through intellectual pursuits. Worshipping me would be an integral part of the process. Now, if I can only get them to wash and massage my feet…

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